here's the problem. i have always been very closed-mouthed about my feelings. the way i grew up led me to not even admit when i was upset, to always pretend that things were ok in front of other people, and deal with my feelings when i could be alone. if people noticed that i seemed upset, i'd always say that i was sick or tired, or just very involved in the tv.

i've realized that i have to be open with my husband, and tell him about things that upset me. even though a lot of the time it's just depression (i've suffered from depression since i was a child, and yes, i'm on medication), i still try to explain to him exactly how i feel. i try to never lie to him about whether i am upset.

the thing is, when i am actually feeling upset, i feel like the most i can tell him is that yes, i'm upset, no, it's not about you, and i promise to tell you all about it later. i feel like i need time to get control of my feelings, to figure out what's wrong, and generally calm down before i can discuss it. it's NOT about not wanting my husband to know what's up (i've even told him that if i write a journal entry when i'm upset, he's free to read it until i feel ready to talk -- journaling is MUCH easier for me than talking), it's totally about needing to get my head on straight first.

he refuses to accept this. as soon as he sees that i am upset, he starts bugging me to tell him all about it. he does everything he can to guilt me about it -- asking why i'm doing this to him and so on. he says he wants to know what's wrong so that he can help, but it's not like he can do anything about it right that second. no matter how much i ask for him to just wait until i'm calm, he just gets upset at me.

sometimes he will eventually allow me to escape to our bedroom to be quiet for a bit, but then he'll come barging back in demanding to know if i am ready, yet. by that point i am so on edge i feel completely -- how to put it? it's like i need to feel secure about telling someone my feelings, and he rips all of that security away. he says he wants me to be able to talk to him, but when i have something to talk about, he destroys all of the comfort that allows me to talk to him in the first place before i'm even ready to start.

we were reading the honesty chapter in his needs, her needs last night, and he brought this up, saying he feels like i hide things from him. i tried to explain how i feel about it, and how i'm not trying to hide anything from him, but he wouldn't listen.

what do you think?

Dear Sioleabha,

Setting boundaries is important. If your mate refuses to respect the boundaries you feel are reasonable, then that issue should be negotiated, seprately, as an issue by itself. Go out to lunch or dinner, with that topic on the agenda.

POJA can be applied to many aspects of marriage. One issue seems to be when you are upset, how long do you have before your husband has a right to feel upset, for your not telling him about it.

I can appreciate your husband's feelings, as my wife will often be thinking about something, and I ask her what, and she answers , "Oh nothing." Other husbands have mentioned this frustration with their wives, but we all seem to have gotten used to being in the dark, a lot of the time.

I think of depression as a failure to adjust my expectations to reality. When I expect something more, and get something less, I am often disappointed. It often takes me some time to think through things, and, as you say, get my head straight.

I would not sugggest you change, but rather take some more time to help him understand that you are not plotting against him, just sorting things out before speaking about it, so that you do not spout off sounding foolish.

It seems inevitable that there are going to be times that you are going to be upset, and that there will be a while before you are ready to talk about it. Perhaps you can find ways to make your husband feel more comfortable during your times of thinking things out. Maybe go shopping together for a meditation night gown that you and he can agree is your zone of quiet meditation in the bedroom. He can come look, appreciate, but not ask questions. Perhaps a certain chair. Perhaps a certain bracelet. Perhaps some poker chips in the drawer, to give you some free passage time, with the understanding that the chip is to be traded in later for something special.

L. Ron Hubbard, I believe, once said that if you are depressed, stop reading the newspaper and stop listening to the news. It is surpising how much better some people feel by just avoiding negative input. Silva Method Mind Control also preaches being consciously aware of negative input, and putting the negatives into the proper context before allowing the negative thoughts a permanent place in our memories.

I have taken Silva, and retaken it several times. If you both took the course, your husband would probably have a better understanding of how to be more supportive to you. Silva teaches how to send supportive help to someone, silently, yet thoughtfully.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years, 2 grown kids, still struggling.