My H said to me 1 month ago that he has no more feelings for me and felt that we needed to separate to think about our relationship. He has not been calling or talking to me. Just sent me an email, after some persuasion from friends, telling me that he cannot bear to see me or talk to me.

I have moved back to my parents for about 3 weeks already and I don't think this is such a good idea. Occasionally, I go home to do my laundry and stock up the frige (hoping to place deposits in my LOVE BANK).

I have read the Plan A and 180 degree divorce buster.

I am planning to stay over one week night from Aug, my excuse is that I cannot keep taking half day off to go home and do my laundry.

I want to put Plan A into action. But I'm a little hesitant. But I have organised little projects for myself when I stay over on these week nights.

Only thing is that my H ever told friends that I can always move home. However, if he feels uncomfortable, he will shift out. And few days before we split, he has been hanging out till late, coming home only until 3-4 am.

I want to put Plan A into action. However, to do that we must try to be under one roof.

Any advice?

Dear Help Wanted,

I suggest digging a little deeper before selecting a plan. Perhaps you already understand where your husband is coming from, but it is not clear to me. I suspect it is not clear to him.

When my marrige is on the rocks, I try to take my wife to lunch or dinner, with some degree of privacy; To get a better feel of her positon on the issues, and to let her talk aloud to think things out. Trying this at home tends to keep things in the same molds as before, and new approaches are needed.

The questions that come to mind, are What do you want to be? What would you like to have? What would you like to do? What are you missing? How would you like people to think of you? What brings you pleasure? What gives you a sense of accomplishment? What makes you nervous?

Best wishes,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.

Hi Quipper,

Thanks for all the questions. It made me helps me sort out and relate them to the LBs and ENs.

Currently, I am unable to even get near my H, so no dinner to hear him out. I guess he is in his Withdrawal state of mind. Also, I feel that he is hesitant about calling it quits; partly due to his responsibility to his son. And he keeps asking for more time and space.

So basically, I need to move home slowly without LBs. However, I'm not sure how to go about this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Dear Help Wanted,

Some furhter ideas, which may not be on point, as I did read your 7-21 Post, but I have little to go on.

If you have not read Emotional Needs under Basic Concepts, they list 10 areas of marriage, in which each partner is supposed to take a few and do well.

It sounds like your hubby is going through some changes, with business and realtionship to his dad, etc.

Hubby's trapped feeling on the weekend may have been feeling he needs to be close to his work, to be able to work on ideas as they arise. Edison had his invention laboratory in a building behind his house.

Ideally I would like to have my inspiration partner in a location of ideal juxtaposition to
my work area. Currently, my wife is so apt to pop off with comments that I veiw as criticism, that I need to have my workspace separate from her, which is not what I wish for my ideal. I would like her sleeping naked on the bed, while I am working at my nearby desk in an inspired manner.

You might make a list of what your husband has for unfulfilled wishes, and see which you are willing/able to meet.

You say you want to work Plan A, but you already had the chance, so what are you going to do differently now. You may not want to post everything, but just a thought. I don't hear you speaking in generalities, of what you are going to do differently now, under plan A, that you were not doing when you were married.

To do plan A effectively, you need to have Plan B set up, ready to go. What does Plan B look like to you? Certainly stocking the refrigerator would be stopped under Plan B.

Are you cooking things he likes, like casseroles or roasts, and leaving them in the refrigerator for him to heat up, or make sandwiches?

Are there ways of finding out things you don't know? Are there things he is sensitive about, that you are not aware of, and you have humiliated him without even knowing it?

You mention his son. How old is his son, what things do they relate about? What is your husband's vision of getting old? Middle age? What do you know that he would like to change? Keep the same?

What are these problems he can't tell you about? What does his father say? Is his mother alive? Either you know and have a plan, or you are at least partly in the dark. You make it seem like you are at least partly in the dark. Even if you gave in on all the issues you know that he wants, is that going to be enough? Are there things that he wants that he is keeping from you? Can you find out about them? Are you ready for all possibilities? Are there some things you need to stand firm on, that you will refuse to change, regardless?

You seem like a good-hearted person.

Best wishes,

Quipper,
Married 28 years, and still struggling.

Dear Help Wanted,

One clue I remember you have given is that your husband feels he cannot talk to you about his business problems. When you speak of his business, you speak as if everything about the business is his problem, not yours. Certainly you don't want to reveal competitive advantages about the business in your posts, but my wife is particularly counter-productive in my attempts to conduct business.

My wife will promise to do things to help, but not follow through, adn then I have to catch up what she had agreed to do, creating ill feelings.

What ways can you participate to help with the business? Your husband says he can't talk to you about his business problems. Why? Do you break confidences? Do you act like you don't care about his problems? Do you simply point out what he should do differently to solve the business problem? Have you prayed for the succewss of his business? Have you prayed for more new clients? Better paying clients? More appreciative clients? More customers? Less trouble collecting accounts due? More streamlined bookeeping and accounting? Better systems for taxes and licenses? More business in the better profit items?

Have you offered to help with some part of the business, making phone calls, distributing advdertizing, etc.? Can you list all the ways that you could help the business, within your capabilities? Is there some training that you could take to become more in tune with his business?

In reading Financial Support and Domestic Support, under Emotional Needs, Article, is there something there that gives you any idea of what you could do to assist his business?

Perhaps he just needs you to be in tune with supporting his efforts in the business. I pay the bills for the household, and my wife acts like it is no effort at all. Of course when she has offered to help pay the bills, the bills get paid late, and she is sporadic and unreliable. Is there any effort that is being put forward by your husband that you may not be giving a sufficient atta boy, way to go, comment, feeling, hug?

Is there some similar business that you could learn about, that would help you better understand your husband's problems, aspirations, efforts and accomplishments?

You say you can't get near him now, but it seems that if you agreed upon a neutral location, at a time when he is ready, that he should be able to have lunch or dinner with you. Perhaps you could agree in advance that getting back together would not be discussed, but just the problems and opportunities that you both have.

My wife is more intersted in her house looking like House Beautiful, rather than serving as an inner sanctum for my research and ideas. My wife likes to throw out my stuff.

You seem to think that you have an idea of what your husband wants, but is ther some way to be more certain you know about all his unfulfilled wishes?

Best Wishes,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling.

Dear Quipper,

You have so many questions for me! I'm so overwhelmed.

Anyway, today is my birthday and I took half a day off from work to go home and do my laundry and clean the place. Coincidently, my H happen to drop by home to pick some stuff. He left after awile and I continued with my chores. Actually, when I was having my lunch, my H mobile phone nessage me asking if I think the marriage would work out. and I told him yes and I will work very hard to make it work.

After my chores, I dropped him a mobile phone message that I'm leaving and to pass something to his dad. He asked if I wanted to talk. So I hang around until he came back (all the while my heart was pounding!).

He didn't really seem to want to start the conversation and I also didn't initiate. After awhile, we made some small talk and topics started to move into that direction. I asked what he was thinking when he sent me the message about if the marriage would work out. In between we had phone interruptions. All the while he seems very unsure about the whole relationship, kept saying that maybe it all happened too fast, our relationship before marriage, getting our own place and having our son. He initially thought that by getting someone to love him is sufficient (that's what he said) and now he feels that he is unable to communicate with me and has lost that feeling between couples. He seems to be rambling and getting lost in his thoughts. And he mentioned that since both parties are not happy in the marriage then no point going on.

Interrupted by his mum's phone call and she became hysterical (ever since D day). And he started to have angry outbursts at his family, saying that his parents are putting a lot of expectations on him (he was crying). I just sat there and listen (thinking that this is a good opportunity to meet his EN for conversation). Then I told him to calm down, gave him a back rub and a hug (hope to tell him it's ok).

All the while I was telling myself not to mention the D word and that as long as he didn't there is still room for negotiation.

As for his business, I have always volunteered to help him with the accounting aspects but after he moved everything to his retail outlet, he told me that he will get his employees to help out. Initially, I was pretty reluctant but after awhile, I just left it (we actually had a small argument about it). But after while, things happened and I didn't do anything anymore.

Actually, now I'm at my own home (I told him I'll stay over since it's a little late to go back to my mum's). He has gone to pick up something and I will try very hard to be natural around him tonite.

A little nervous but think I'm doing fine at the moment.

Just sad that he doesn't feel something about the marriage. But I know I cannot be influenced by him and have to help restore his feelings back, right?

Dear Help Wanted,

Sounds like good progress.

I try not to pay a lot of attention to the words my wife uses. I try to see the direction she is going. Your husband seems like his words are not matching where he is going. He is talking as if he is re-thinking th marriage, but there you are.

Plan A seems like the best path at the moment. My wife was upset about some things I brought up tonight, and I offered to drop the subject after a brief, basic discussion, but she seemed like she wanted to keep going negative, so I said, "Well everyone has a right to be in a Bad Mood sometimes, I'll just go to the library to work for a while." I left for a while, and come back and things were better.

Hopefuly you won't have to pull back, but just have it envisioned out, so you can withdraw a safe distance smoothly, if you get some signals.

D day usually means the discovery of an affair day. If so, then I see the problems he may be having with his parents. It also explains why he can't talk to you about his problems at work more, probably the other woman is somehow invloved with his work, and obviously has a deeper understanding of some aspects of his problems. Certaily he can take an associate out to lunch and discuss work problems, however this has apparently gotten out of hand.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling.

Hi Quipper,

Thanks so much for the support. I'm beginning to get depressed after reviewing the events yesterday.

I know I should not think too much into what my H is saying. He seems to be lost in a fog because he keeps saying he doesn't know if he is willing to give the M a 2nd chance, and he lost the couple feelings for me.

Afraid of being too hopeful, but the fact that he called me on the phone was some progress, right?

Actually, am wondering if there was OW involved. Is there any way I can find out without hiring a PI? Everyone that I talk to seems to question his denial of OW. Am confused because I think he has been telling lies for awhile already.

From his small outbreak yesterday, I think his family is putting a lot of expectations on him and he feels very trapped. He feels obligated to meet his parents' expectation and meeting his own needs. I think his most important EN is for conversation to vent his frustration.

My H listed the poor relationship between my in laws and me as a concern to him. He did admit that he might be the cause of the poor relationship because he always vent his frustration towards his family to me.

I guess this is why he feels that he is unable to tell me his problems because his family is the bulk of his problems. Just suddenly had this insight after going through yesterday's events.

Guess I have to work harder the next time I get to stay over at home and try to make him feel more comfortable (so that he doesn't need to stay out until so late).