To update you on my life, H has been acting like a total jerk. He has been yelling and screaming at me, making threats, you name it. I beleive now that there is yet another women involved in this mess. <BR>I finally had enough yesterday and told him to get his things out of the house, to make a schedule up when he wants to see our daughter, and to quite calling me. It is hard for me to stick to Plan B when he claims he wants to see our daughter, so any suggestions on this would be helpful.<BR>Well, he called today. I told him that I had nothing to say to him and he said that he couldn't even sleep last night because of the way things have gotten between us. He says that he is sorry for all the pain he has caused and that leaving me is the only way to end the pain. He then said that he doesn't want me to hate him. He said that over and over again. I told him that I didn't hate him, but right now I don't respect him and and don't like him very much. He said that we need to be friends for our daughters sake. <BR>He wants to come over tonight and see our daughter, and I don't know if I should let him. I really want him to realize what he is doing by running away from his family ( his 3rd marriage!)<BR>I'm probably hoping where there is none, but I can't help thinking that one day he will come around. I told him once again that one day he will look at me and see a happy, peaceful person, and will wonder why he ever left. He said that he know he probably would look back and wonder.<BR>I know time is on my side here, but I really feel that our daughter is beginning to suffer. What is my next step. I really need help here.<BR>Thanks everyone<P>Cheryl

Is there anyway you can arrange for your H's visits to be outside of your home? <P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

Ceecee,<BR> Maybe you should get somebody else to be there with your daughter when your H comes to visit. However, the first thing I think I would do is to get a temporary custody order--just in case he should take a notion to take her with him. He sounds pretty much out-of-control and unpredictable. The reason I think you should get a temporary custody order is because someone else may not have the legal authority to keep him from taking your daughter out of your home. I think it's a good idea for the custodial parent to make sure they have legal custody anyway---and have the papers forbid contact with OP (morals clause) if at all possible.

Hi Ceecee,<BR> When I did counseling with Steve H. he told me when I was going to Plan B to set visitation up ahead of time , and stick to a schedule....like every other weekend or whatever you decide(just like if you were divorced)...then meet at the arranged time and do it quickly. This prevents him from dragging you into confrontation and gives him a taste of what divorce would be like.... hang in there girl, I know you are having a rough time.....Lu

Thank you guys.<BR>I am so sick of this rollercoaster thing. One minute I hate his guts and the next I want him to come home. I'm not sure if I'm saying the right things, the wrong things. I have been so frustrated these last 2 weeks I can hardly sleep or eat.<BR>I have a question about not meeting at the house. Would you have a 3rd party be a relative or friend? My H is not speaking to my parents (who watch Emma) and he is not speaking to any of my friends either. How do I come up with someone that I am comfortable with, and so is Emma?<P>Cheryl<BR>

Cheryl, I don't know the answer to that one. I guess if it were me I would be there when he picks up Emma just give her a kiss at the door, say goodbye and close it. I know how you are feeling about this roller coaster thing. H stopped here again tonight. I've been doing really good since Friday feeling good about myself and thinking about the future ect. He comes in tonight with that really sad look in his eyes. We started talking and he again told me that he still loves me and feels like an idiot for what he has done but is still not ready to give her up yet either. I looked him in the eyes and told him that until he has totaly resolved his feelings for her and is ready to totaly commit to me he will not be coming home. I asked him what would that look like to the kids if I allowed him to go back and forth between her and I. I told him that I am not in a hurry to resolve this and that I'm not really too sure of my own feelings at the moment. I told him that I am very,very angry at the situation and that I have only hate for the OW. He tried to defend her and I told him not to bother because my feelings will not change. I was so calm,cool and collected. I'm so proud of myself! The only problem is that after he left I felt myself miss him again. Oh well, I'm getting used to this wild ride.<P>I think that staying focused is the most important thing. Doing for yourself and the baby is what you need to concentrate on now. Not what he does,says and or thinks. I'm glad he apologized to you in away but that doesn't begin to erase the terrible things he has said to you the past few weeks. Don't let yourself get sucked in until you know he really means it. I'm treading awfully hard myself right now but I'm not going to let myself get sucked in again.<P>I'll be here off and on all night so if you need to talk I'll be here.<P>Jill

I swear, Jill, you are so good! I do believe that you have a good chance of pulling this thing off!!! I know you have a great chance of having a terrific life. I'm thinking about you and praying for you, too. Sorry, my advice s***s these days. My brain has tons to say to you guys, but it gets lost fast. I'll get better. I'm just pretending it's long-term PMS!!! (You know, Putting up w/ Men's S***). Sorry all you wonderful guys out there - I know that was awful. I promise not to generalize again!<P>I'll check once more before I go to bed. Don't know about work tomorrow yet, so I'd better plan on getting up. IF I still have power....<P>Lori

Ceecee:<P>I have been in Plan B since 5/99. I have 2 small children, 3 yrs and 5 mos so I understand how you feel regarding visitation.<BR>I got H's sister to be the go-between for us. H used to pick up and drop off our son at her house and we would have all contact through her. H refused to have any contact via answering machines and voice mail. <P>About 1 mos into Plan B it got so rediculous with my sister-in-law going back and forth between us on the phone to get one problem resolved that I eliminated her from the equation. I told her and H that my friendship with her was too important to me and I didn't want to drag her down with us. So now, H comes to the house to pick up and drop off our sons for visitation(once a week and every other weekend). I told H that he would have to ring front door bell before he entered the house(he used to use the garage door opener and just walk in the house whenever he came to see the boys). At first, I used to go upstairs when he came and avoid him totally. Now, I have very little contact with him when he does come. He just started taking our baby for the the weekday visit, so there are little tidbits of info exchanged regarding the boys. <P>I'm not sure if I should even be having this much contact with him, so I made an appt to speak with Steve Harley this Thursday to ask what he thinks.<P>If you can't get anyone from your H's family or friends to be at the house for the exchange of your daughter, then maybe make yourself unavailable when he does come to get her. Maybe I will have some better info for you once I speak with Steve Harley on Thursday--just post a question to me. <P>Good Luck!<P>P.S. If I don't get back to you right away it's becauseI don't have a computer at my house. I have to use my brothers, friends or I go to library.<BR>

Ceecee,<P>I don't usually give such great advice. But I really want to help. If I had any and wonderful answers, my own marriage would not be in shambles.<P>But, I would suggest that when you husband comes over that you go out of your way to be extra nice to him. No Lovebusting. When my H wasn't here, when he came over to see the kids, I made sure to look very pretty. I always smelled nice and when we talked on the phone, I was very understanding of whatever he was telling me. Gone was the screaming maniac wife of a few months ago. I really threw him for a loop with those changes. If you want him to come home, make home look and feel like the place he would want to be. If he left any colognes shaving stuff, or anything, arrange them neatly in the bathroom on the counter. IF he left any clothes, hang them up in his side of the closet. Just like if he was still ther. This probably sounds really stupid, but at least try it. It kind of makes them feel like you believe it really will work out, and that you are just waiting for them to come to their senses and come home and thank God, finally, my H did.<P>It has not been EASY, but I have really put forth tremendous effort to save my marrige. I am putting myself last and him first. I know the mistakes that I made before, how I hurt him and made him feel less than a man... but I am sorry now and I am dedicated to making up to him. I want him to know how much I love him, and I pray to God that he is dedicated to making things better for me and for us, and our children.<P>Ceecee, I am always here for you. Try not to worry. I know that it's hard. I am praying for you.<P>I will keep watching for your posts.<P>Take Care of you and your beautiful little girl.<P>------------------<BR>Luv, Liza<P>Never fear, because God walks right beside you, and if you get tired, he will lift you up and carry you.<p>[This message has been edited by liza (edited August 31, 1999).]

I am so lucky to have such a support team. This is the most difficult situation I have EVER been in.<P>Jackie- Thank you for the advice. I will post you on Thursday for Steve's thoughts. Thanks for your concern.<P>Liza- It's good to here from you. I've been wondering how you are. My H has totally moved out of the house. I have rearranged to house with the things that are remaining, so there aren't any things that are his. I am trying to be my best and look my best when he comes over. Your advice about putting you last and him first is what I also am trying to do. It is so difficult, even though I know that I had a great deal to do with his affair happening, HE is the one that cheated on me. I want him to put me first for a change.<P>Anyway, thanks all for you words. Whatever happens, it will get better.<P>Cheryl

Hi Cee,<P>Just a little update about me and the H. He came home about a week ago. It has been strange because we were apart about 18 weeks. I know that I have missed him desperately. It wasn't easy with him gone and it felt like it was only getting worse. (Yes, I am one of those dependant on Hubby, women) It kind of feels like I've got to get to know him again. I keep the house immaculate and I keep myself immaculate too although I am getting a little exhausted. I just want him to see the person in me that he feel in love with 12 years ago. Because I have never stopped loving, or being in love with him. How could he not know that?<P>Each weekend when we were separated, I wondered if this was the weekend that he would come? And then when he didn't I felt like I couldn't make it through another day. ANd finally he came home. .. After a whole lot of going back and forth on his part... He just felt like he had been single for so long. Things wouldn't work out anyway.<P>When I was reading our posts just now, I found it strange that you were saying how you take the blame for the affair happening. I think the same way too, because I feel if I had been a better wife, more loving, more patient and kind, I know that my H affiar would not have happened. But Cee, I sure hope that our H's have it thought out like we do. They need to realize what part they played in our marriages getting to this point too. They need to find their liability here. I know my H like to say that he does not go over and over things in his head all day like I do. But I think that he needs to. It will make for a better marriage and a happier wife. (LOL!!) <P>Well, I dont want to talk you to death now. Hope you and little mama are doing alright. As always I am praying for everyone on the MB Forum. I know that soon, God will touch this Forum with his healing touch. I know he had in my marriage and Im muy H.<P>Let me know how you are! HUGS!!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>Luv, Liza<P>Never fear, because God walks right beside you, and if you get tired, he will lift you up and carry you.