Is there any way my marriage can be saved? I cannot bear losing the man I love.

My H and I have been married for 20 months and things have seemed great at times and other times really bad. I have created my LB's in my marriage. I have constantly accused my H of having affairs, and have followed him on many occasions. I know I have also blamed him for so much. My H has also said so much to hurt me and make me insecure. He is not interested in counselling and will not even contemplate the questionnaires. He says I am to blame for causing the problems not him.

I met my husband via an internet dating service. I moved thousands of miles away from my own country to be with him. We have seven children between us and live in his home. There have been huge conflicts between my H and my three children and as a result two of my children do not live with us anymore and have moved back home to their country to live with their father and my mother. This has caused me immense pain and depression. I have had severe panic attacks where I have felt no longer in control and feel as if I am about to die. This is so frightening. I feel such a failure that I have let my kids down and I know they feel I have chosen my H over them.

Huge LB's take over from my side when my H hurts my children and then I just let rip and let him have everything inside of me. Before I would try not to take their side against my H but still there were times of such unfairness that I could not let him attack them verbally the way he has done.

He told me 15 months he did not want to marry me but that he does love me now and wants our marriage to work. Yet recently he has revealed something very deep and personal regarding our sexual side of our marriage which leaves him having his own way and me feeling like the loser as he lied to me.

We had a terrible row which started last night - I mentioned something (yes I was angry as the whole day I had thoughts of him being unfaithful to me) that had irritated me during the day and he did not answer me but I could see the look on his face was one of irritation with me. Well after that one thing lead the to next and we were in an awful row where really hurtful things were said. The in the early hours of the morning I woke him up and told him it was best I leave, to which he said that there is nothing more he can do to stop me as that is what I want and since I don't trust him we have nothing left.

It got more and more heated and he then went and sent an e-mail to a mail friend of mine in my own country telling him that our marriage was in trouble and he could come and get me. I could not believe he did such a thing! I was in absolute shock - I have not been in contact with this friend for ages and he has no bearing on our marriage whatsoever.

I then told him I am ready to divorce and discussed a settlement but then anger set in again and I told him I will not be leaving as this is my marital home. He said fine, criticised my kids to me and then took his wedding ring off and left for work.

I know I am to blame for so much but I am not able to talk to my H as he says every time I bring up something to discuss with him, he says I am looking to cause a fight and cause problems. So I have to keep quiet and never have my needs met.

Is there any hope for us????

I love Jesus with all my heart and cannot bear going through another divorce besides I really do love my H but am not certain whether he really cares for me. Everything he seems to do now shows me he is not interested in me. He will ignore me for days now and I hate it as he makes me feel as if I do not exist. I find this so cold and cruel.

Thanks for listen and sorry it is so long.

Jem24

Dear Jem 24,

Look over the 180 Degree list of divorce busters. It is listed here in Negotiations a couple weeks ago. One concept on the list is to not check up on your spouse for being unfaithful. The list is intended to give you ideas for changing things for the better, or even just for the sake of changing, or demonstrating an ability to change.

One way to work on issues peacefully, is to use affirmations. You can make up your own, but I will try to make up some for you.

1. My husband is becoming more faithful to me everyday.

2. I am able to fulfill my husband's desires in new and unimagined ways.

3. My husband is finding new ways every day to give me a feeling of confidence in his committment to our marriage.

I suggest you turn over the challenge of assuring that your husband faithful to you, to Jesus Christ.

Dear Jesus, I acknowledge your powers over spirit and mind. I pray that you use your spiritual powers to guide this husband to the path of being a faithful husband, and to giving the confidence, of being faithful, to his wife Jem. The concerns about infdelity are diappearing from Jem's mind. Guide Jem to interact harmoniously with her husband and the children in their charge, so that peace and harmony abide in their household. Help Jem to forgive, and forget, any trespasses against her. In Jesus name I pray, and so it is.

I asked an experienced husband, "Aren't you concerned that your wife might be unfaithful to you?" he answered, "Well there is nothing I can really do about it anyway, so why should I worry about it. I just try to be fair and reasonable."

Quipper
Married 28 Years, and still struggling.

<small>[ August 01, 2003, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Thanks Quipper for that prayer - I have been feeling so strong for the last two days spiritually but this morning I am feeling really low again.

As you will have noted From the "Just found out Board" that I am having it really rough right now but just want to thank you for your support and encouragement.

Jem24