My husband and I have been together for 11 years and I recently found out about an affair. I really want to make our marriage work and have been trying to heal from the hurt he has caused me. He just told me that he has no feelings for me and hasn't for a while. Ever since I found out about the affair, I have been asking him, what can I do to make him happy. What needs does he have? I have even asked him what it is that the other woman provided for him. He claims that there is nothing that I can do. What do I do from here? I really want to make it work, I have been asking him to meet some of my emotional needs the past few weeks so that I can heal, but he just won't let me in on what it is that will make him happy. Is it too soon? Are there things I can do in the meantime to try to start to win him back? He has said that he has tried to get the feelings back himself, but I think that it really needs to be from me, that I get them back for him. I think he may be at a roadblock because he has said that he doesn't think it is possible to get them back. Any help, thoughts, would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Mrs. MSV,

Welcome to Marriage builders, and thank you for sharing your current difficulties.

The first Idea that comes to mind is 180 Degeree Divorce Busters, which is posted by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN, and has been replied to within the past week or two, under Negotiating.

This is a list of ideas of how to change the ordinary, and make things more exciting.

At the bottom is a patch to THE LOVE DIET. This is a woman's view of what a husband should do to be a better lover. Copy it and give it to your husband, so he can help you with getting back your feelings.

We could define one problem as your husband refuses to tell you what he needs. Are you setting the best atmosphere for him to feel open about lettng you know? In MB articles on Negotiating it discusses that setting the conditions for negoitating is important. I take my wife out to dinner, even an inexpensive cafeteria, or fast food restaurant at an uncrowded time of day.

Perhaps you could start by admitting your own blocks. My wife is blocked about doing different things at different times.

I have used marriage counselors, but I hesitate to recommend that for you, becasue you seem unlikely to throw the book at the Marriage Counselor when you feel he is wrong. Marriage counseling may be helpful for you and your husband to examine the possible blocks to your improving your feelings for each other. It is important that you and your husband agree in advance about how to handle your feelings when either of you feels the marriage counselor is wrong in an opinion he expresses. Marriage counselors are valuable for raising issues that you may not have thought were imortant for you. But don't think of going to the marriage counselor as going to the mountain for the 10 Commandments.

Perhaps you can print out the 180 Degree Divorce Busters, and ask yor husband to pick one you can agree upon. I used POJA on my wife with changing our dinner ant TV time. She agreed, and we had a romantic interlude.

I could list a bunch of wild things to do differently. You can make your own list. Ask your husband to pick at least one thing to agree for you to change, and go a week, try changing something else.

I have made my reply twice as long as your question, so you should probably discard 3/4. Hope some ideas percolate for you. Someone mentioned that people with good ideas post under Infidelity, General Questions.

Best wishes,

Quipper,
Married 28 years and still struggling