I need more help, or at least an ear. I thank everyone for their advice. I do own harleys books, we have done the entire worksheet section.

I need to know if this is a sexual addiction, or just a way that cheating spouses feel they can get sympathy.

My husband I have described above. He did come back from deployment, and told me he wanted to renew our vows and make a more solid marriage. That he is ready to be open and honest with me(remember he has since told me EVERYTHING, he SWEARS TO GOD) He swore to GOD that he has stopped looking at porn tapes. I honestly don't have a HUGE problem with porn videos when a man is not getting any sex, but I have sex with my husband 3-5 days a week every week except for 2 weeks a feww months after we were married(we got really busy, and I thought that was way to long to be going without sex.)

Why does a man need to masterbate to porn when he has a willing attractive sexy young(25) wife always ready. I have said NO to him ONE TIME in the 3 years we have been together. I have a high drive, so I usually respond. I am the one who wants it more though and initiate it 90 percent of the time

Not only is it porn, but he has been calling strippers on the phone, and being egged on at work about sex with another married women(enlisted) who is known to cheat on her husband. My husband goes on night duty and drives slowly OUT OF HIS WAY past this womens house. He looks for her car EVERYDAY on post, he says we wants to see if her reputation is true, if he can get some [censored].

The other week he says I was laying in bed and he went to get some coffee. He said that he saw her car in the parking lot at the gym and he parked and whet in. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he knew it was wrong but he wanted to look at her [censored] and legs. This girl, funny enough is about 1.5 times the size of me. She is big with a lot of [censored], and I never would have thgouht that he found her attractive, or at least more attractive than me.

He went in the gym saying this is wrong(but I guess he does not care) He says he wanted to play into the other men at work(army, and these are officers that are supposed to be an example) he wanted to see what she would say, and of course he wanted to screw her. He has been looking for her car as a habit for the past year. He knows other guys she cheated on her husband with and she has two kids. He walks in and asks her how she is doing and the good old MY HUSBAND AND ME ARE HAVING PROBLEMS.

He said he was thinking about what an IN that was. He also got scared. He ALMOST started in what a headache I have been but he did'nt. Since then he has begged and cried and told me somethings(nothing concerning this girl) and said that was all there is.

Now PORN, STRIPPERS, CHEATING FEMALE SPOUSES...This all came out AFTER he said he was going to tell the truth about 50 times. He says he is afraid to tell me these things. Please tell me me that there is a wife out there that WOULD NOT SCREAM in outrage over this. This man does not like me talking to friends of the opposite sex from my childhood, who live 10,000 miles away. It seems that he wants porn and jerking off more than sex with me...I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I am being driven crazy with this. Is this the typical cheater story? Or is this a problem trutly like and addicition. The chaplain had to calm me down this morning at 5am. I am a raving lunatic. Now he says again...THIS IS REALLY THE REAL TRUTH THIS TIME I SWEAR TO GOD. I don't know what to think.

First, he has decided to tell me the truth about this stuff. So I don't know if he should get credit with this stuff is happening every time he goes on duty. The night before duty this last time we were processing and talking about some of these issues with promises that he wanted to be better and the same night he is driving far out of his way to look at her house and think aobut screwing her. Now again it is he is really ready to be honest. We have been trying to use these books but it does not work if he lies and then reassures. Now he says I KNOW I CAN GET BETTER. 8 days ago he said the same thing and was jerking off to porn when I walked out of the house.

What can I do. I am going to be insane. Does it ever STOP!!!!!!!

Dear Cindy,

Dr. Harley has written some things about pornography. Dr. Harley seems to recommend that men abstain from self-stimulation, and avoid getting started.

Please refresh my memory where to find the worksheets, are they on the website? I have a couple books, but have not looked at them recently.

I had a girl friend who seemed to object to any maturbation in our foreplay, and that slowed our style. My wife tolerates masturbation, as foreplay, and will let me know when she is ready. Sometimes my wife wants to take a pss, and I will ask for some help cuddling, while I masturbate to climax.

There are CD videos available, of wild scenes, and my wife is sometimes in the mood to watch, and sometimes she objects. I find the wild scenes a nice background for foreplay.

Dr. Harley recommends radical honesty, and it is best not to do things that will upset your spouse, if you tell the truth. But hurting your spouse with the truth is not the kindest thing to do either.

Changing behavior is something you can work on together. Have you read the 180 Degree Divorce Buster List? it is on the Negotiatons, a week ago, TOOMUCHFCOFFEEMAN. Thered is nothing directly ther, but keep trying different things. You are saying that you are willing, but how much are you willing to shift around? Is timing an issue? I try to get off in the morning, so I can avoid temptation throughout the day.

Sometimes I am disabled by lust, and I will just go to bed early, as my wife is never ready until 2 AM. I just lie and day-dream of loving my wife, and sleep, and wait for her. I avoid self-stimulation until my wife is willing to particpate to at least some degree. Why was your husband self-stimulating while you were going to work in the morning? Is there some way you can partipate in the morning? When I was younger, I would sometimes be excited a few hours after loving my wife. My wife was not ready to go again, so I would self-stimulate in the morning, to keep things under control during the day.

Perhaps you could be more flexible with your timing, until your husband can get things better under control. If you can't give 100%, perhaps you can find ways to particpate and help, or other wise provide or permit errotica.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years, still struggling

Thanks for the REPLY:)

The problem here is I am an Army housewife in school part time. I am ALWAYS available, but I don't think I am just going to tunr over at 430am.

THe chaplain said that he needs to learn self control, and that I am defeating the purpose by being avaible ANY TIME. He said that self control is a part of a balanced life and that sec 3-5 days a week may be too much right now. He wants my husband to learn to be attentive to when I want sex. I see now that I love the attention I get from him during sex. I mistake it for affection, because that is the only way I get it. So I have always been the instigator when it comes to sex. I want it all the time. So this is why I think it could be an actual addicition.

Any more comments

You and especially your H need to read "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. He has some excellent books on sexual addiction.
Yes, I believe he is an addict. Once you read the book, you can decide for yourself.
My heart goes out to you!
{{hugs}}

Dear Cindy,

One of my fondest memories is of a live-in girl friend I was lucky to have, who, when I went to work, at 6 Am, she would make herself available for me just before I had to get up, at aroud 5:30 AM., every morning. We had a routine I used to arrouse her

No disrepsect to the army chaplain, but that girl put his advice to shame.

Has your husband had any massage training? I got videos off the Web on teaching massage. Esalen is nice.

I have taken the Silva Method, which teaches habit control. Perhaps your husband and you could both take the course, just one weekend. It also teaches how to regulate sleep and waking.

There are substatial differences between men and women, in the biological and social effects of climax.

For me, I can better get through the day, with self-stimulation, if I use a magazine. It is more effective yet with a video. Without either, is less effective. Most effective is the real thing in the morning before going to work.

I do push ups to get myself going after being asleep. Is there an exercise you can do at 4:15 AM, to make yourself available at the key time for helping him bestr reisst tgemptation through the day? Have you tried hypnosis?

What would twice a day look like? What about when he first gets home, to be have a fully sensual atmosphere?

The chaplin raises the issue of timing, and I think that is a key issue. I think he is most unkind to your husband and your marriage wiith hhis conclusion that only your husband should change. If you are not prepared to reject advice, you should not seek it. Some advice will be wrong.

Actually I am feeling infuriated with your chaplin, so I will sign off.

I will check back.

Best wishes

Quipper
married 28 years and still stgruggling

She just said that she is readily available to him almost whenever he wants to have sex....Hello you guys tell me how many of your wives just spread them at 4:30am. I'm sorry for a man to come in and expect his wife to do that is very disrespectful. Is she an object just to be had or she a woman that he adores, respects, and loves. Does he want to make love, or does he just want her to give in so he can have his every way...NO WAY. A sexual between a h and a wife are not supposed to be this way, if she wanted to make love with him at 4:30am once in a while that's fine, but for him to expect it...thats messed up.

She responds to her h, her h still chases another woman, he looks at porn, he masturbates....yes he is the one with the problem. She is his wife not his sexual play thing.

You have a real problem on your hands, he is so far into porn and masturbation that he fantasizes about all kinds of women. The accessive porn will cause him to look at women differently then just seeing a woman and thinking she's attractive ect...Pornography, videos, mags ect...causes a man to live in fantasy world after time, and he then starts craving that kind of woman..and much of the time it's not his loving wife. He has gotten to the point where he has unrealistic sexual expectations.

Don't think for one minute that a good wife has sex with her h whenever he wants it even when it's 4am. If my h did this often and expected me to be responsive half asleep or not I'd feel used and that is not what a marriage is supposed to be. He needs to think of you and your feelings and not expect you to allow him to get his cheap thrills while seeing you only as an object. It's selfish and I really think your h has a big sexual addiction.

Now the good news...he's talking bout it, even tho it hurts to hear the things he's saying, talking about it rather than hiding it is a very good sign. He's reaching out to you so use this to your advantage. You said the 2 of you are reading books and doing questionairs...GRRREAT...many spouses are in this completely alone. My h for one has never read a self help marriage book and never filled out a questionaire. He is trying and this is prime time for you to get the 2 of you into counseling and find a counselor who specializes in this sexual addict thing.

My h was a sex addict too, he seemed to stop but it all he really did was hide it better. He tried to stop, even said it embarrassed him and I believe that. But this addiction is like every other, it will take time and lots of effort. My h has fallen many times but I still see effort, the thing that you have that I never had was a man who was willing to talk about it, so run with it.

TAkeCARE

Dear Toni,

Your comments are focused on the issues with which Cindy is stuggling. Your perspective is different from the approaches I suggested in my earlier posts to Cindy, and your ideas should help Cindy to put more aspects into better forcus, for her to make the best choices for her, and her marriage. I must complement you on the highly issue-oriented quaility of your post.

One problem I see with labeling a husband a sex addict, is that the label diminishes the legitimacy of the needs of the husband for sexual fulfillment. One of Dr. Harley's Questionaires, I reviewed earlier tonight, asks about sexual fulfillment as an important aspect in evaluating a marriage. I found it on the top bar, QUESTIONAIRES.

I had suggested that Cindy evaluate what changes she could make to improve the meeting of her husband's sexual appetite, and to select a few possible changes to try to implement.

Your post seemed to take the appraoch that the problem was with the husband, and therefore it was up to the husband to solve the problem.

Perhaps that is the aproach you have used in your marriage. Perhaps you have tried to help with your husband's drives, and some of your attempts, successes and failures might be enlightening to Cindy and the rest of us.

Cindy says she is available for sex all the time. But for the times when I need sex, in the morning before work, neither of you are really available. Apparently Cindy's husband has a drive in the morning, as she said he was using pornography to self-stimulate at 5 AM.

Early in my relationship with my live-in girl friend, years ago, she withdrew her cooperation which had gone on for several days. One of my mentors suggested I speak to her about it. I may have mentioned to her, that when living alone, as a bachelor, I would climax to Playboy magazines each morning before getting up to go to work. That it helped me to keep from getting hard during the day, which could be embarrassing in public. After our discussion, she was cooperative to an ideal extent, in the morning before arising, to which few women are apparently able or willing to match.

My current wife and I have worked out some strategies and options for which she feels loved, not as an abused object. I talked to my wife Friday, pointing out that we had been succsessful four mornings in a row this week, and my wife giggled and felt appreciated, which I do appreciate her compromising with me, to the extent that she has. There could be more enthusiastic particpation, but squirting with my partner is still better than Playboy.

You seem to put the entire blame for a husband having an interest in other women as completely the fault of the husband. Certainly the husband has a duty to present his needs to his wife, and within POJA, try to get someting worked out. The husband has a duty to try to improve the agreements from time to time, and make proposals and suggestions, and try to change himself to fit his wife's needs, desires and boundaries of comfort. To the extent that the wife limits her times of entusiastic availablity, she becomes part of the problem of creating wayard interests.

As opposed to a sexual addiction of the husband, the problem can be viewed as an inability of the wife to adapt her sleeping schedule, or failing to get to bed early enough. The problem can be viewed as a sleeping disorder of the wife failing to awake energetically when the male sex drive arises, usualy as a morning erection.

I would like to be wrong in my inference that you have not done much to try to help your husband. Could you share some of your struggles? I have not yet searched or read your other posts.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling

Dear Angel and Toni,

I read a few of your other posts, not all 749. In response to your husband aggravating you about college, I am working on a VIOLENCE thread under Resolving Conflict, which also addresses verbal abuse, and diffusing verbal assaults.

My wife, and others, are sometimes verbally abusive, and I have not handled it as well as I would have liked, and the lingering effects hamper the atmosphere in my marriage.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling