I don't even know where to begin. Hmmm...My husband of 7 months is very much into porn. I knew that when we got married, even though I hated it then, too. We've had many an argument over it, and to be honest, I almost hate myself for marrying him because of it. Lately things haven't been so bad. We just recently started counseling, and for about a month he hasn't even looked at porn (which is probably the longest time that's happened that I'm aware of).

Several months ago, when things WERE really bad (which is what sparked the counseling), there were some things that really hurt me. He was jerking off alot, and then suddenly asked if we could go to a sex club and watch other people have sex....and then he wanted to have sex in the car behind a major grocery store at night. The sex in the car I agreed to, but the sex club was nixed from the beginning. Then there was a time when we were having sex, and he just couldn't keep it up. Actually this happened about 3 times in a one week period, when we were really fighting, so that may have contributed to it. But it was really painful for me, pretty much like a HUGE rejection. I remember one time it happened (or didn't happen, so to speak), and I came home from work later that night, and found out that about 15 min after our failed sex attempt, he had hopped on the computer and jerked off. The hidden message there tells me I"M NOT GOOD ENOUGH, BUT PORN IS. When I try and tell him this, he tells me I'm crazy.

Anyway, last night, sex bombed again, and then tonight I find out that he's jerked off again. ????? OUCH. I can not figure out why he wants to jerk off when I'm am here, and wanting him badly?? And to be fair, I have really tried to compromise with him on this. I don't mind movies, and I don't mind if he downloads clips and stuff from Kazaa, but I will not tolerate any sort of IMing, or chatting with other woman. To me that is cheating. And he has totally complied with my wishes...the thing is that the only reason I made those wishes is because he will look at it regardless. We were apart for 9 months because of it. It's obviously at a higher point of priority than I am.

So, saying all that, and of course mentioning that I haven't even whined about porn since we made our compromise about 2 1/2 months ago.....I must also add that sexually things aren't up to par for me. First let me add that it has been very difficult for me to orgasm. But let me also add that I don't expect an orgasm everytime. I just miss feeling intimate with someone...having a good time being intimate with him. Now, sex just seems so perfunctory. It's usually some kissing, I almost always end up going down on him, however I'm lucky if he even touches me. It's been more like spread em and **** em (pardon me). And then there's the "you're such a slut, you dirty little whore"....???? I think we are sexually incompatible and I dont' know how to fix it, because the porn and everything else make me feel SO NOT SEXY, and then it's hard for me to act sexy-let alone getting any foreplay. I am relatively attractive and petite, yet he makes me feel like something is wrong with me by not touching me when he KNOWS that touching me will light my fire! And it's hard not to compare yourself to the girls in the videos.....I don't think he will ever see this, so I only see a doomed future ahead.

I know I have rambled on way to long, but this is such a huge issue for me. Does anyone have any advice????? Is our marriage DOOMED?? I don't know what to do..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ August 21, 2003, 03:41 AM: Message edited by: MyXyphoidProcess ]</small>

MyXy-

First, I just love your name.

Secondly, you've posted on a very low-traffic part of the forum. While I do not have much advice for you, I know there are some other women dealing with similar issues over in the Emotional Needs area of the board...you might want to copy this and repost it over there.

Kathi

Dear Processing,

I can give some male perspective.

To Recap: Your husband has a desire for porn, and you have criticized his use of porn, and you feel he sneaks the use of porn. Your husband sometimes talks to you disrespectfully. Your husband does not asssit much with foreplay. Your husband does not engage much in romantic activities throughout the day. Your husband can have trouble functioning with you, but has no problem to self-stimulate to computer porn.

The habits you would like to change include his use of derrogatory remarks to you.

You have a reward system established, better than many women, I would imagine.

By contingently rewarding your husband, then you can assist him in changing behavior. Find your husband doing something good, and give him a reward. Going 15 minutes without using derrogatory words, for instance.

It seems you could negoitate a little more cuddling time before marital relations, in exchange for some videos or music. Men sometimes get increasingly satisfying climaxes when video images are used, or even still pornography. You have not mentioned that viewing videos with your husband is a problem. This may substatnially reduce his desire for self-stimulating to private porn.

Men are sensitive more than they will admit. Some of your seemingly innocent words may cause the trusting mood necessary for letting go, to be diminished for H. There is no mystery that private is completely safe, but with a partner there is a possiblity of ridicule, even if well intentioned.

You say that you have trouble being seductive for your husband. Set some snapshots of things he might do that you wish to reward, and decide to be seductive at those times. Walking past the computer, instead of sitting down to the internet.

Work avoiding love busters. Work on recognizing the emotinal strengths of the marriage. Work making changes just to change, see 180 Degree Divorce Busters, earlier in Neogtiations. Print out THE LOVE DIET at the bottom of DIVORCE BUSTERS, and give it to your husband. It is written by a woman to let men know how to be better lovers. Sit down occasionally to discuss improving things with your husband. You tell one wish. He tellsone wish.

Above all, feel free to express anger to your marriage counselor, and do not take advice you don't like. Marriage counselors are useful in bringng up ideas, but their recommendations are often wrong.

Best Wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling