I posted this thread under the emotional needs forum, but I thought I could get some help here too.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND! It seems like I am having to do all the changing and conforming. This upsets me. My view of a relationship is this, when two people are serious about each other, they do things together. Not ALL things, but some things, like going to the movies or out to eat or to a play or just a picnic or something. We don't do anything together except go to the grocery store occasionally. This is so weird for me because I have never been in such a detached relationship. I'm mean I've had friends that were wishy washy, but those friendships faded.

You know we don't live together right now. I live with my Grandpa. I do 98% of the going to his house to visit. I get irritable about it, but then I wonder if I really have a right to have those feelings because of the "You should focus on what you've got and thank God for it. Don't look at the negative." mentality. He doesn't take me out on dates. Most of our time together is spent at his house sitting around with the tv on watching what he wants to watch or with him in another room playing a computer game. We do talk sometimes but that I come away from feeling frustrated about. Should I just suck it up and be happy knowing that God is working? If so, what do I do with these feelings?

I have fussed about things (I know that this was NOT a good thing) that bother me. I fussed for lack of a better way to communicate. I can see though where I do some of the things that I fuss at him for. Like I had agreed to help him pay some of his debt, but when it looked like I was being taken advantage of I backed off. I told him I didn't want to do it that way. He said to me "Who's changing the plans now?" he said this because I fuss a lot about him skipping out on me. He right too, so what right to I have to fuss when I do the same things sometimes? Is he just trying to point out that I fuss about things but I do them too? Or is he trying to say that I have no right to fuss because I do things too? I have asked him before which one is it, but he would get irritated or we would end up in an arguement.

I also feel like I should be able to share things that are important to me with him. In my view of things this does not happen. I am worn out from listening to his stuff. I used to be able to listen to him with enthusiasm, assuming that at some point I would get my turn. Now I can't do that. I'm am FULL of frustration so it is VERY hard for me to sit and listen to how he's gonna sync the carbs on his motorcycle and be excited about it. I do try to interact in the conversation. It seems to me that when I want to share something important with him he is uninterested. A lot of times I have been talking and he was way off somewhere. I'd say are you listening to me and he'd say "Sorry, I was thinking about motorcycles", I'd say "well at least pretend you're interested, just smile and nod or something".

For the past two weeks I have backed off going to his house. I've only been over there maybe four times. He has not made an effort to come see me. He calls me on the phone though. I feel like this alone time is something he needs, well we both need it, really. I mean he's never REALLY been on his own. When he was young he lived with his parents. When he got old enough he went into the AirForce. When he got out, he moved back home, then he moved out of his parents house and in with a woman. When that relationship fizzled, he move back home, then he met me and we got married, then he left me and went and found someone else and they moved in together. When that was over he came back to me, but I have refused to live with him. This is something new for him and I think he is beginning to discover himself and learn to like himself. I don't want to take that away from him by fussing all the time about the things I think he should or should do with or for me.

I guess I want to know if the negative feelings I have are normal, and how do I react to this in a positive way?

Oh, and I think I'm still a little bitter about his leaving me and living with another woman and getting engaged. Even though he's come back to me it still REALLY hurts.

Dear Fizzled,

Your feelings are your feelings, and whether they are normal,or 98% out there, so what.

The challenge is to put your feelings into a postive format for communicating with your sometimes spouse. My wife has a short attention span, so I try to put my ideas in a few zingy words, and shoot them in there at the best possible time.

For putting my ideas into positive phrases and approaches, I have a telephone editor that I use several hours a month, to just go over what my wish list is, and put together the requests in a positive format.

In this way, I avoid the love busters of fussing, to use your word.

You have said you never go out, except to the Grocery Store. Marriagebuilders recommends some 15 hours per week together, if memory serves.

I presume he has a VCR, and there must be some movies that you could enjoy together, and pause the video occasionaly and chat for a while. It is true that when I was asking a girl out for a date, I would ordinarily take the initiative to look in the movie section and see what was playing nearby, to be able to discuss choices somewhat intelligently. In marriage however, the peroson with the interest often has to take the initiative to make things happen. You say movies does not happen, but you do not say on Day X, I sugggested Movie A, B and C, and was rejected. On Day Y, I suggested moveies D, E and F and was rejected, and so on. After a number of rejections, you can sit down and discuss rejections, and try to get a better binding agreement.

As far as your husband failing to hear you when you talk, there is a smorgsboard of choices. Many self-improvement programs which offer sensitivity and listenting training. You could shop for a marriage counselor who would be willing to take on the objective of having the wife feel that she is being listened to.

One Exercie comes to mind, you sit across from each other, and each, in turn, picks out something in the room, and describes it. The partner then repeats the description in a summary form. Another exercise is to read something from a newspaper, and then the partner summarize the general gist of the passage read. You can improvise may such exercises along these lines.

Many couples have children, and this creates a mutual interest of a common concern.

Are there some hobbies you could do together? One of my friends raced motorcylcles, scrambles, and his girl friend was his pit crew.

Maybe attend motorcycle races as spectators. Maybe join a motorcycle club and go out for cookouts. Is it the Elks or Moose club that husbands and wives get together and socialize?

My grandparents loved to play cards together.

In summary, my suggestion would be to find a hobby of mutual interest and satisfaction.

Read him to sleep out of his motorcycle repair manual. I wish my wife would read me to sleep more often. My mother used to read me to sleep. Ask his parents and friends for ideas. Join the Air Force Association. Get season sporting tickets. Watch nearby high school/college sports.

Well let us know what works, and what flops.

Just stay overnight when he gets it mostly right that day.

Print out a copy of The Love Diet, at the end of 180 Degree Divorce Busters, a few weeks earlier in Negoitations.

Ask him to wear a larger wedding ring to give you more confidence taht he will keep his vows better than before.

Review the 10 Emotional Dependencies in Marriage Builders articles.

Best wishes,

Quipper
married 28 years, still struggling

<small>[ August 22, 2003, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>