OK-now I did it. I had contact with the OW's H. And now I am battling feelings that fluctuate between defending of the whole "affair" between his W and my H or keeping my mouth shut and saying NO MORE CONTACT. I think deep down I know it is best to stop the talk and walk the walk-move it on down the road and get over the past. But every time he says things that I have figured out are big fat lies I get all worked up. It isn't so much that I care what he thinks-in fact-for both their sakes I would rather he believe his W-it is that he has such a false impression of so many things. And I guess because I still love my H I am very defensive. But some of the things he says are off the wall-lies-just that he doesn't realize it. If they lived elsewhere I think I might just want to speak out-but not here in this small place. Can anyone give me some good advice please?<P>Thanks<P>*heartache*

Hi Heartache -<P>By capitalizing one of your choices - I believe you know what you must do!!<P>It is best not to make more of a soap opera out of this than it is already!!<P>The affair is unacceptable to you - right? So do not give it any more importance and condone it by discussing it with anyone besides your H and a counselor. <P>You want it to stop and be out of your life!!! The more you discuss it - the more you're feeding life into it. The reality of this is that you will not be friends or aquaintances with these people anymore. Your husband and his wife have made that impossible. <P>You have to concern yourself with you and your family - these people make no difference to what you want and what the heck do you care if OW's H agrees with your view on things or not? She is his problem and your H is yours - start concentrating on letting H know what you want your family life to be and that stop obsessing on who OW and her H are and what they think - they are nothing for you to be wasting your thoughts and energies on - you'll need all your strength to work through this nightmare!!<P>Hope this has helped.<P>Hugs and get busy with working on what you can do to improve your own self and to make your homelife the best you can!!<P>Sheba

Thanks Sheba-right now I am emotional basketcase. I keep going back and forth from just wanting to die to just stopping all contact and pretending it isn't out there. The problem is that I keep on having something throw it back up in my face. whether it be a thought or an e mail or whatever. I guess what I need to do is remember to keep my eyes and ears and mouth (and my mind) shut when confronted with anything to do with the situation.<BR>Right now though my stomach is so upset that I just want to disappear of the face of the earth. I hate all of this and I am so angry that it happened to me. If I had been asked if I minded going through this kind of hell I sure know what my answer would have been. Too bad that people don't remember the most important things in their lives when they are having the "time of their lives". And usually they regret the "fun" they had.................go figure <P>Once again-thanks for the help-obviously I neeed all I can get (yeah I am whining-sorry)<P>*heartache*

Heartache -<P>You just go ahead and whine - as a matter of fact - you should scream, yell cry, throw pillows, whatever it takes to let your devastation, hurt and anger out!!! Don't keep it in and let it fester!!<P>I did not mean by the previous post that you should not think about this - on the contrary - you MUST think about the whole nightmare. What I meant is to put things in their proper perspective!!<P>Yes, OW was a friend or so you thought!! But, as you can see now - she was not!!<P>H is the man you married to spend your life together with. He is the one that you had a goal with - not her or her H.<BR>That is what I meant by they mean nothing - they don't in as far as the goals of family and marriage. Get them out of your head - any fun you had with her is over and in the past. She made a choice to throw that away - you did not!<P>You need all your brainroom to work on things with your H and by worrying about OW and her H you are taking up to much of the brain's space that you need for yourself!! See what I mean??<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba