Hi all, I'm new to the site. I've been married 4 years. We've been separated maybe 4 or 5 times during those years. We both dated other people during the separations (him more than I)but 2 wrongs don't make a right. We have 2 children together (4 year old autistic son & 9 month old). I have 2 other children prior to the marriage and he has a daughter prior to the marriage. Our last separation was in June and I asked him to leave due to emotional & verbal abuse. While we left he stayed with other women including a ex (whose husband is in jail). He moved back home a month ago and we both have trust issues. He doesn't trust me because he's afraid I'll put him out again and I don't trust him because he doesn't want to let old relationships go. I've found cards and I've checked his cell phone records. He was calling "this friend" when he leaves the house in the a.m and before he comes home. I've confronted him on it and asked him to choose. His answer is "he doesn't know what to do". This person makes him feel good about himself and I don't. He doesn't think it's wrong because they aren't sleeping together. As far as I know he hasn't called her in a week and he wants to work on the marriage. One day he wants a divorce and the next day he wants to work it out. He also suffers from depression and currently isn't on medication. Since finding out that he still has contacts with his friend I've started communicating with someone I once dated. It wasn't to get even, I just wanted to talk with someone who doesn't blame me for everything. There's no future with my ex and I want to work on this marriage but I get frustrated when it seems as if I'm constantly trying and he's not. My H does compliment me on my efforts but he says it's going to take time. I was encouraged until I found the cards & calls. Now I feel like so be it. She can have him and his problems too. Any suggestions on what I can do to establish trust with him and myself? So many times I just want to give up. We don't have sex and I'm uncomfortable initiating because I feel he's just not interested. I could go on & on but this is just fresh in my mind.

Thinkin,

You might get more help if you post in the GQ section of Infidelity. You can repost it there or have a moderator move it for you.

I do know what you're going through. My sitch is similar, except I wasn't seeing anyone, and after reading everything I could about A's and the whole process of recovery, I know it's unwise to turn to another man. You probably feel better when you talk to him, but you're playing with fire!

Have you done any reading on A's? There are a lot of books out there, surviving an affair is a great one.

I will see you over on the other forum.

Misty

Dear Thinking,

Asking your husband to leave is certainly one answer to verbal abuse.

With an autistic 4 year old boy, and two step children soon to be teeangers, you have a challenge.

You might read 180 Degree Divorce Busters, under this heading of Negotiating, by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN. One of the principles suggested is not checking up on your spouse. Not all principels will apply, or work for you, but you might check them out.

I see two main problems for you to focus on, and it may be wise to let other issues take a back seat until you get the two problems solved.

One problem is that you need a mechanism for handling your husband's verbal abuse. Let us asume that his verbal abuse is from frustration.

"Are you angry at me, or are you upset about something else?"

You need an agreed upon mechnism for handling situations where verbal abuse has gotten above your limits. You do not disclose any alternatives you have tried. With kids, one parent needs to stay home. You need to have an agreement that he goes to his mothers for a few hours.

One dad used to get in a huff and say, "I'm going to go to the movies. I'll be back in a couple of hours."

The other problem is you need to figure out which of the 10 basic MB Emotional Needs you want to focus on, and make your household encouraging to your husband.

He just says he wants not to get kicked out agin. Fine. Get some mechanism for handling your limits on verbal abuse. I don't suggest you change your limits. It sounds like you were passive aggerssive. You let it go on, then get too far, then threw him out, rather than stopping it when he reached your limit. If he is there with the kids, when did you ever just go out for a 1/2 hour? "I'm going to 7-11 for some bread."

There is a thread in which I have participated on verbal abuse, under Conflicts, titled VIOLENCE, started by Praying.

If you are going to be insisting upon a 100% starch marriage, with no phone calls for support to other women, I think you may be selling your children short.

Many People who post to MB will encourage Plan B, which is cuttting off communicaiton. Plan B is good if H is teetering. To me, it seems you still have some genuine issues to resolve.

MistyMars sees your Husband's possibilities of affairs as the important issue. She may be right that that is the issue upon which you should focus. If your husband is being sufficiently discreet that you have to snoop on his cell phone to find out about his calls, I think you are focusing on the wrong issue.

I can't tell you that my wife is 100% faithful, but I can tell you I focus on making the marriage work better, not on following her around or checking her cell phone.

Get your husband back home, and maybe the other issues will resolve themselves.

The books THE INTIMATE ENEMY describe methods and agreements for protecting yourself from what contstitues verbal abuse for you.

What other issues does your husband have?

When was the last time your husband and you went out for lunch or dinner?

Best Wishes

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling