Dear Seymour,
Suebee is correct that there is more traffic and more people willing to comment in Just Found Out, Emotional Needs, In Recovery, or Plan A/ Plan B.
When you post, you might think of the perspective that you would like your answers to be coming from.
You can post from, What do I do with an unfaithful wife? What do I do with a friend of 25 years who has betrayed me? What do I do with the feeling of betrayal by both a long-time friend and my wife?
One of my theories, which does not get much support on the MB board, is that some women act illogical after puberty, until they have a child or two, because of hormones. You do not mention chldren. If you don't have any children, then in addition to sex, you need to manage her maternal instinct drive. For instance, get her a puppy or some cuddly pet, at least a teddy bear.
Your wife said it was just a sex thing. I recommend that you look behind her words. You need to see what was really going on. Do you simply need to start taking Viagra and doing it more often? What times of the day do you attempt to initiate sex? Is she hot at other times of the day or night?
Mostly, women need to be listened to, and it is not sex, as such. You have not revealed the percentage of easy requests your wife has made, that you have passed over, or neglected. Listening is also doing as many little things as she requests to be done. Make a list of your wife's wishes. Responsiveness counts. How long before you did what she asked that was easy? "You can hurt a woman, but never slight her." I have heard it said
Is alcohol, or drugs playing a role? How can you address that issue?
You will be tempted to cheat yourself. You post like you are pure. Great, if you are. If you are not, then you will see that you have a problem coming down on your wife, when you are not perfect yourself. Regardless of your past, to save your marriage, this is not the time to be putting more notches on your pistol. Be aware that you need to aviod this from spiralling out of control, each person taking more license with the other spouse's feelings. You will also feel less like pleasing her, and that will be part of a downward sprial. Watch for it.
Your friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I am not that practiced with Instant Gremlins. Perhaps we can look at this as a male power game. You need to add up what you have on your friend, and what he has on you, and how you are going to increase your power elements over your friend. Join a Masonic Lodge, and see what those guys have to say. You could talk to your friend, and say that it has gone too far, and you request that he cut it out. That you have done A, Band C for him, and had anticipated doing D, E and F for him, but that you need some cooperation from him, or we need to to G, H and I to terminate our friendship.
I am not clear if your 25 year friend is the only guy. He may know that other guys were involved, and he felt he was helping you out, so as to minimize the number of strangers getting involved. You might avoid punching out your friend just yet, because he could be an ally in the future to clue you in if something is starting to happen.
If I get the feeling that my wife needs extra attention, then I try to meet her for lunch, or meet her after work for dinner. I otherwise try to give her attention. My wife seemed out of sorts this morning, and bvefore I checked MB. I asked her out to dinner after work. Even if she refuses to go, and is busy, or stays upset with me, I have put in the message of love.
Read 180 Degree Divorce Busters potsed by TOOMUCHCOFFEEEMAN, last hit 9/20/03, under Negotiating. Try doing something different, more often. Get your wife feeling that you can and will change. Even sometimes for the better. At the end is something like LOVE DIET, which explains how a man can be a more effective lover.
You do not explain your marriage in terms of the 10 Basic Emotional Needs. go to QUESTIONAIRES at the top of the main MB page, and evaluate your marriage, and what you and your wife are doing for each other.
If you do post on another board, be preapred for some replies, that will say, Thank God you found out she is unreliable now, divorce immediately, Adultery is cause fo Divorce, it is in the Bible. Get a PI and and Attorney and find another woman to be your true wife.
Apparently your wife is attractive, or otherwise has some redeeming value, or you would not be posting here.
Appparently counseling is not a top option, or you would not be posting. My rule about counselors is not to criticize my wife in a session, but when the counselor makes a suggestion that I think incorrect, I unload on the counselor.
I have made appointments with a counselor, my wife has refused to go, so I went alone, and then my wife showed up, just a little late. She said she knew that I would just make it seem like I was alright, and not be fair to her. Some marriage counselors will tell you that you need to have both spouses for marriage counseling to work. You don't need to tell them they are wrong, just show up yourself, and ask for their suggestions of how to make things better, and how to better encourage W to show up for the next appointment.
I personally have used books by L. Ron Hubbard, and tried to become a better counselor myself. What is your level of training in counseling? Listening skills? Communication?
I have studied Aikido from the standpoint of self-discipline, and from being able to set an opponent gently on the ground if they try to strike me. Also to disarm a weapon. You may need to get in some people's faces, with feelings, and I recommend that you do it with self discipline, and without malice.
Some people post once, and disappear. If you want something out of MB, you need to post back again, and reply to those who have tried to make suggestions. Let me know how wrong I am; I have no problem reversing my advice if you give me more facts and feelings.
I am not clear who has done the MB weekend who posts on this board. At least you would have access to a better class of posters, instead of us dummies who have never done the MB weekend.
Best wishes,
Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling
<small>[ October 01, 2003, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>
