I have been married for 4 years now, and for 4 years everytime he wasnts something and i dont give in we get into a huge fight. everything is supposed to be his way and i just cant take it. i dont know what to do. he is always on the computer playing games or something and i cant get him to help with the kids or the house. he stays up all night and sleeps all day long, never caring that there is life out there, i would appreciate any suggestions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Dear Enchantress,

I answered under Resolving Conflict, but I imagined that your husband might go to work. I don't mean that going to work is sufficient, by itself, I am just trying to understand.

Whenever we post, we give our side of the picture, so that others will be supportive of our side, against the other spouse.

Is there anything constructive that he does on the internet?

What have you offered him, to have get more involved with the children?

Have you researched available parenting courses?

Negotiating, is sometimes, I will do this for you, if you do this for me.

What extra favors do you have to offer? What currently provided services are you willing to withdraw? What positives do you see, and how often do you give a marital hug, when you see something positive?

What is your list of specific activities that you are looking for, for which you can provide marital hugs?

What do the kids need help with? What would you like him to do for the kids? Does he often refuse to help the kids when they ask fo help? Have you helped the kids learn to negotiate request for help from dad? What activities are there after his work, that you want him to get involved with? Boy Scouts? Air Scouts?

Best wishes,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling.

<small>[ October 09, 2003, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

It sounds to me that you have a definite power imbalance in your relationship. This is not healthy and the longer you put up with it the more your H will take control of everything and eventually your self-confidence and self-esteem will become less and less. My H even went so far as to have an A justifying it by saying our marriage was 'over in his head!" He had lost respect for me because I did not stand up to him. I found out the hard way and thru lots of counseling that I had not put down firm limits and consequences to what I was willing to put up with from H and that nearly finished off my entire marriage. Have you read "Women who try too hard" by Kevin Leman? Also Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud is a helpful book you could learn from. Take care- lifesmessy

Dear Life,

Thanks for the reference on Boundaries in Marriage. The ISBN No. is 0310346121

There is a Leader's Guide, and a Workbook, and an Audio Cassette. Cloud has some other books on boundaries, also, like, with children.

I have had discussions on other threads about boundaries. Sounds like a book I should read.

Thanks,

Quipper
Married 28 years and still struggling