Hello,

This is the first time that I have used this site. I need a lot of help. I have been married 15 months. I married a great man, but he overreacts to issues of money. My husband was a widower and he has two teen aged kids.

Well I cashed out a 401K plan to pay for my wedding, I was 51 and had never been married. It was the most exciting time of my life. I didn't tell my husband that I had done that, he found out at tax time. I owe the IRS $3000.

This week he found that I owe other debtors $5000 and he has just lost it. I work a full time job and I have paid other debts off and I will pay these off. He is talking about selling all the furniture in the house to pay this debt. I think he is panicking for no reason. His says my judgement is not cloudy so he can't listen to me. Well what kind of judgement thinks it is right to sell $10,000 worth of furniture for say $3,000. That won't cover the debt and when it paid, at some point we will want furniture again. At that time because of inflation, it will cost us not $10,000 but maybe $15,000.

I have read Dr. Harley's articles on "Love Buster"s and I know that dishonesty is one of them, but since learning this this week, my husband has taken to hiding his wallet. I have been in debt the whole time we have been married and my husband left his wallet on the night stand at night and has not missed anything from it. Why does my being in debt suddenly make me a thief? Why does my not telling him everything about my finances make me a thief?

buster

Total honesty, even when it makes you look bad, is the only way to over come the issues you face. H is questioning his decision to marry you because of your inability to be totally honest with him.

He doesn't trust the way you handle finances. Money is a big issue in a marriage and you are way to carefree about debt. H has not had that luxury because he raised two D's.

Beau

beau,

Thank you for your response. I know what you are saying is true, but how do I restore his faith in me. I tried to tell him about my financial issues. After going to a weekend marriage retreat, I told him I was going to start placing my check in our joint account. He asked me if that meant that I wanted him to handle my finances, pay my bills for me etc. and I said yes. Well then he said that was too much for him to do because he mowed the lawn and we take turns cooking and he does the household bills.

Its like I can win with him much of the time.

Hi buster,

Honesty needs to be built between two people,it just doesn't happen overnight right? So you just need to show your H that you can be trustworthy when it comes to money.That will take time.

Don't ask him to be responsible for your bills,show H that you can do it yourself even through a joint checking account.If there is any doubts about payments or you have questions,ask him for his advice,show him that his opinion matters.

And like beau said,total honesty is a must.Anything you may try to hide from H may eventually come out and it just blows any trust out of the water and you have to start over.Like you should have told him what you did with regards to the 401k plan,just so he was aware.

Anyway,give it some time but show him you care and are a responsible person moneywise by being just that,responsible with money and be open to H.One thing that my WH and I have always done is a home budget.I would highly recommend that if you don't have one. It lets both of you see exactly where your money goes and it can also give you a month to month look at what you are actually spending and if you are staying within your budget,(Quicken) is what I use.

Good luck.

October

WOW! There are several unique things here to say the least. Getting married for the first time at age 51. Congratulations! Cashing out your retirement to pay for your wedding? Goodness! Was that a good idea? Wasn’t you aware that you would have to pay taxes on it? Didn’t your husband know your financial situation before you got married? Did either of you ask each other? You realize that each of you are responsible for one another’s finances now that you’re married? Well, 8000 is a considerable amount, and I am surprised you didn’t pay (or at least set back) the percentage needed to pay your taxes. I believe your H has a right to be seriously concerned because if something happens to you, he will be the one ultimately responsible for your debts. And at age 51, things can happen. Not that you are old, but look at the whole picture and try to think about why he is acting the way he is. From the way you have described it here at MB, he may be overreacting. Although, it’s somewhat difficult to make any type of judgment when only hearing one side of a story. About hiding the billfold: Ask him why he is doing it. Maybe there is another reason. The only way to know for sure is to openly and honestly talk about it. You will probably be spending several years together so you might as well talk about anything and everything that concerns either of you.

Hi Buster,
It sounds like Financial Support (FS) and Honesty and Openness (HO) are important Emotional Needs (EN) for him. Your action (making a big financial decision without consulting him) has shaken his trust in you and your judgement. You can only gain that trust back through your actions.

Start by implementing The Policy of Joint Agreement and The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). These will give you a chance to prove your honesty and openess through actions and include him in all the decsisions you make. This should calm his panic because he will feel safe and in control again.

These policies aren't easy to implement so you should look at the Four Guidelines for Sucessful Negotiation too.

Best wishes,