FHL, I am so broken down. Yes, the Prozac and Xanax have helped me tremendously. However, my wife shows no signs of reconciling.<P>I have delayed the divorce quite a bit, but can only do so for so long. Parts of me want it to be over so I can get on with my life. Yet part of me wants to wait it out, wait for my wife to come back to me. <P>She is just becoming so distant now that she moved out of the house in with her folks. We talk briefly, usually JUST about our son. If I ask what she did at a certain time, she says it is none of my business. I have a feeling she has started seeing someone, but it might just be my insecurities. Then again she might just be making me think that to punish me.<P>I am just sick of the whole situation. I am still so sorry for what I did. I am just not beating myself up for it anymore. I think I am becoming a little callous. I think I am becoming a little angry at my wife for trying to divorce me. I know what I did was wrong, so is me being angry wrong?<P>What should I think? What should I do? How can I still have hope?<P>rhooks4<P><p>[This message has been edited by rhooks4 (edited August 30, 1999).]

rhooks4<BR>I don't really have any words to tell you. I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way you do. My H betrayed me, and I want more than anything for our marriage to work. H has moved out of the house and says that there is no way we can stay married. I don't know how you hang on to hope and continue on with your life. Your life has your spouse in it. You want your marriage to work. I know that God is listening to my prayers, to all our prayers. I just have to keep the faith that all will work out according to His plan. <BR>Hang in there. I KNOW it is hard. I really do. <BR>Sorry I don't have more encouraging words, I just feel very sad for you and for me.<P>Cheryl

rhooks4<BR>I have been wondering about you. Don't like what I hear. I had hoped for some improvement. <P>A couple of weeks ago I believe you were willing to wait a year or more even if you were divorsed. Now you seem to want to move on if the divorse goes through.<P>Tell me, does that piece of paper make your initial goal of raising your son in a loving two parent home any less important?<P>If you had a previous problem with anger, it may be starting to get the best of you now...proving your wife's point.<P>She may not be ready...has as much time past as it took for you to leave your home and get caught in your affair? This is still raw. She may be too self centered and caught up in her own interest right now in an attempt to stop the pain. It is likely to catch up with her anyway. Or she may not believe your long term sincerity. <P>Have you done anything positive like talking with your pastor, counceling, reading, parenting class or the like? You need to be be committed for the long haul. Even in divorce you have a son to raise and the mother of your child to interact with.<P>I think you need to decide how important your goals are, then determine how much they will cost in terms of patience, swallowing of pride and calm rational congruent behavior.<P>You should not be beating yourself up, you are right. I'm glad the meds are working. And you are right your previous desperate demeanor was probibly not all that attractive.<P>You should move on with your life, you are accountable for it. But if what you said a few weeks ago is really that important to you, you can move on and still move toward your goals. In other words be a good dad, tend to your career, do what you can with your wife and do not seek another relationship for at least a year.<P>Just my opinion. Don't mean to sound harsh.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I think you should heed FHL's words of wisdom - she is - as usual - right on the money.<P>If you want your marriage to work out than you have to put some of the work into it in order to head towards that goal. If you work on changing the things that you realize you need to within yourself, then you will be that much closer to making yourself into the man and husband you can be. Your wife will see this and realize that perhaps she is wrong and that things between the two of you can be wonderful and that people can change and learn and grow.<P>This is all you have control over, and any amount of time spent waiting for solutions when you haven't fully given your all to solve the problems is futile.<P>Hope this helps you with letting go of the anger and enabling yourself to do the things you need to do for yourself.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>

I have visited two different pastors and have attended church. I didn't go this past weekend because I had company. I continue to see my counselor once a week. It seems we rehash the same stuff every time. I don't know what to do.<P>I really do want things to work out with my wife. She just gets more distant everyday. That makes it tough to work towards that goal.<P>I am so lonely at home alone. I hate it! I just want somoe companionship, love, emotion... I have been so unhappy lately, it would be nice to be really happy for awhile.<P>No, the divorce paper doesn't make my wanting my son raised in a two-person household any less important. I guess I am just slowly accepting that my wife isn't going to come back. Instead of getting more confused or less angry, she tends to be getting more resolved and more angry. Her father isn't helping things. He no longer speaks to me when I pick up or drop off my son. I make it a point to find him and say hello.<P>You aren't being harsh at all. I come here for some honest opinion. Y'all give me that. I stopped reading the board for a couple of weeks, the two weeks that the Prozac has been effective. I think it makes me feel very unconcerned about what happens. It makes me feel that I need to make ME happy. Is that a good thing? I also think it has helped me not do anything stupid to myself, so I guess that outweighs any negative.<P>I am just so frustrated. It looks like the divorce won't be final until mid-November or mid-December. The fruits of having a good attorney! But actually I start wondering if delaying all this is for the better or worse.<P>Thank you everyone.<P>rhooks4

You need a little mindset tweak. Do not let your wife's reactions determine your actions. Choose your behavior and demeanor and be the person you want to be no matter what your wife says or does.<P>That doesn't mean to not communicate and respond, it just means do not let her control your emotions.<P>Easier said than done.<P>You are making these changes for yourself and your son regardless of what wife chooses.<P>Also...you are assuming how she is behaving, thinking, deciding now is the trend she will always be on. Who knows if that is true. You will have to wait and see. You need to be in this for the long haul to expect to reap the rewards.<P>I have sympathy for your lonliness. You have to decide if denying yourself the thrill of another relationship now is worth the chance your wife will turn around in the future. My own opinion is that you are in no shape for a new relationship anyway and looking for short term comfort would be detrimental to your goals and inappropriate for a married man with a son. <P>Suck it in, tough it out and keep your eye on the goal...all the time growing, learning and improving.<P>You are going to end up to be one attractive package no matter what your wife decides in the future. After a year or so you will be able to live without the nagging doubt that you did everything you could do for as long as was necessary.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13