I don't know how to negotiate with my husband. I have read Negotiating in Marriage, but still, we can't seem to negotiate very well if at all. For example, this last 4th of July, I was 8 mos. pregnant and on bedrest. I wanted to go to my brother's house so that I could just relax and enjoy. My husband, on the other hand, wanted his entire family over. Although I was not feeling well and really didn't want to mess with cleaning the house and grilling, he would not listen to me. His answer was, "I already told my family and I am not changing plans on them." Needless to say, I was the one who ended up grilling because noone would help me out - this wouldn't have been a problem if I wasn't supposed to be on bedrest. Another example, this last Christmas I felt it would be a good idea to go to both of our parents' homes for the holiday instead of anyone coming to our house. Our son is almost 4 mos. old and doesn't sleep through the night yet, so it's a little harder for me to get things done around here - add to that I'm extremely tired. My husband however, decided before Thanksgiving that his family would once again be at our house for Christmas. When I objected and explained why, he just told me once again that he was not changing plans on his family. Although I have tried to let these things go, I am feeling a lot of resentment toward my husband because I feel that he does not respect me enough to try to negotiate. I want a happy marriage and of course some of it would help if we could both learn to negotiate the right way. Please help.

Hi teacherstudent....
That sounds so frustrating. The negotiation aspect of your marriage certainly needs work and I don't really know what to suggest (maybe post on a more active board like EN).

But, sounds like you need to agree on a way to address this type of issue before your H can claim it's too late to change it. Develop a system for planning instead of having to deal with negotiating something that he seems so unwilling to bend on.
Let him know that you respect his feelings and that you agree it would be rude to turn his family away. So that this problem can be avoided in the future, ask him to run his plans by you BEFORE saying anything to his family. Let him know you'd hate to cause confusion for his family and would hate it if someone changed plans on you at the last second...agree with him that this is not a good way to do things. Then work WITH him to find a way to talk about these big issues before bringing anyone else into them.
Say, "Honey, you're right. It would be wrong to change the plans on your family. I'd hate to hurt their feelings or cause any problems and I know you've put a lot of thought into making this a great holiday. Let's find a way to avoid this in the future. What do you think we should do so that you and I are on the same page before inviting people over?"
Just some thoughts.
I hope that your holidays are working out well.
Take care,
Smile

Your advice is something that I actually did a few days ago. I asked my H if we could please talk to each other before he tells his family one thing and I tell my family something and then everything goes haywire. Although he seemed very reluctant to this idea, he did agree to it. I'll wait and see what happens. I'm hoping that we can start making these decisions together not just everything his and his family's way. I really want to be able to do more things together - especially deciding what we're going to do when it comes to our families. Thank you for your advice and I hope your holidays are going well also.

I may be wrong about this, but if you were on bedrest, why didn't you just stay in bed? If he wants to invite his family over, and you CAN'T do anything, then don't.

For the future, Smiles idea sounds best! It's your home as well as your husbands!