Hi Everyone:

I am a new member.
My question is this. In brief I did not meet my wife's emotional needs in our 13 year marriage. My biggest mistake was probably silence. She told me once inawhile she wanted to talk and needed more, etc. But for some reason I did not understand or know how to open up. It has now come to a pint where she has falen out of love and I believe i have finally found some answers and want a great marriage with her in the worst way. I finally figured out (thru some books and God's help) what it meant to truly Love a woman. We will be seeing a counsellor soon, however she seems very cold and removed. I haveread the articles regarding this on the website and it gives me some hope. I am scared. I need to win back her Love so i can show her how great our life can be together. Your thoughts?

Hi Daryl,

I've been married for almost 2 years so I dont know how much advise I can offer BUT I will tell you this. My H has a very difficult time expressing his inner thoughts to me and he has been this way since we married and I absolutley dread it because I can't see him changing naievely not knowing how bad it's hurting me and our relatinship. When we get into disagreements or conflicts he clams up and says nothing, or he avoids the entire situation all together hopeing it will just go away. As a result one of our keys to happiness (communication) is suffering terribly because he wont open up to me and be candid rather negative or positve. After 13 years I would think she has become very acustom to "that's just the way it is" and has suffered in silence because of it. She may feel that she has tried for so many years to get you to be more expressive with her that change was not possible. There may be alot of hurt deep down inside of her but there is hope. You have to be positive.The results are not going to appear over night. It may take some time for her to really be convinced that you have changed. She has to see this new personality evident in all that you do. More importantly it has to be consistent. You may get frustrated that your efforts seem fruitless and not getting the positive response you hoped for but keep in mind this is the way it's been for 13 years so patience will play a key in winning her over. I belive she will eventually be won over. I know I would.

Dear Desire:

Thank you for responding. I feel for your situation as I know exactly what what your H is doing to you. I was never verbally abusive, just did not understand the importance of communicating on a deeper level. I thought if I was home, faithful, provided financially, was a good father then I had done my duty. I was so wrong. It has taken my wife to tell me that it may be too late for her for me to open my eyes. I started reading and have learned what it means to truly love a woman. I hope you can convince your H to read, communicate with you before you fall out of love. I read the book "what every woman want men to know" by Barbara Deangelis, WOW what a heart opening experience. My wife asked me to read this 6 months ago but I did not get it. I really get it now, I agree that patience will play a big part in this. I would suggest you do not stop telling your H how unhappy you are and that you don't want to argue just have the best marriage possible for the both of you.
Keep writing.

God bless you

Daryl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> so i can show her how great our life can be together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is exactly what you should be doing right now. Even if she does not seem to notice, you must develop the habits of doing whatever it takes to meet her emotional needs.

Avoid Love Busters at all costs. EN"s and LB's tend to have a "One step Foward, Two step Back" relationship. All the Love bank deposits of a weeks worth of EN's can be lost with one good LB. I learned that the hard way.

Figure out what her most important needs are. If conversation is one. Learn to communicate better with her.

If you are not sure what her most important EN's are, do your best to meet all of her needs(Which you should anyway)

Some of her needs may require changes in you. Patients, understanding, physical appearance, sense of humor.......

Take the time to improve yourself. Become more desireable to her. Do not be pushy, whiney, needy ar anything that she may be pushed away by.

Make sure that you are the best you that is possible. Make sure that you treat her with all the caring and love that all people deserve.

Read His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters. They will help.

I have found that I took my life with W for granted. We were together for so long and were always such good friends that I feel as though I've treated her as just that. A best friend. I lost the instict to treat her like a "Lady" and treated her like a budy.

Desire
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When we get into disagreements or conflicts he clams up and says nothing, or he avoids the entire situation all together hopeing it will just go away.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you read Divorce Busting. There is a lot of good information in this book about changing paterns. You may need to change your approach to these disagreements or change the environment that they occurr in. This way it won't just be the same old thing all over again.

Good luck to both of you. Sorry you need to be here.
WIWH

To WIWH

Thank you for the advice. Your prayers are always welcomed.

Daryl

Daryl,

Thanks for the kind words. As a result of us not communicating things have taken a turn for the worst. Since last Sunday my H and I have not even touched each other and I mean nothing. No kissing, no hugs, nothing. I cant see myself living like this too much longer. Resentment and anger are setting in. It hursts so bad because at this point we are at a complete stand still. He's been whistling around the house and acting as if he is uneffected by this. I guess this is his way of dealing with the issue rather than face it and look for ways to try to make things better. I am the type of person who, when I forgive it's complete. I dont even try to recall the past error and yet he holds on to and files away any mistakes you've ever made and then brings them up as a defense later. Right now I think both of us have given up. Neither one of us have ever been married before but I've been in long term relationships and I know what a man needs. It's funny, before you can get your drivers license you have to take a 5 hour course and a drivers test. With marriage all that is skipped and you just get your licence and find things out the hard way later. Right now we say very little to each other. He plays with his son (6 months) and that keeps him distracted enough to be able to get through to the next day. I have another son who is 9 but is not my husbands child. He also lives with us. We have counseling scheduled for Monday. I think that's the only thing that is gonna save this because I'm in this all by myself. Separation seems like the only viable solution.

WIWH,

Thank you too for the encouraging words. I'm gonna try and swallow my pride and apologize for my recent behavior even though I know I am not all at fault. Just for the sake of peace. I'm also going to try some of the LB suggestions. We did go over the emotional needs questionaire awhile back when things were kind of going good but those needs quickly came and went. I hate to have my 9 year old see us going through this. I see it's effecting him. I just want to feel loved and cared for, and living with someone who acts like he doesnt care hurts. It makes me want to seek affection easily from anyone who will notice me. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I cantr see things getting better anytime soon.

Desire

I am not qualified to give advice, so I will make some comments only. I think I was like your husband until i woke up and found out my W did not love me anymore. Now I am trying to get her back. I had my own first counselling session this morning, it went well. My W goes next week. All I could tell you is make sure he knows you are unhappy, try to tell him nicely, because I know I did not really get it until my W made it very clear to me. I wish I had understood her pain years ago. Don't give up until you have really had a good discussion with your H. Then he will probably need to cool down and think about it, then counselling. These are my thoughts.
Best wishes and God bless you.

DAryl

Pay attention. Talk. Listen. Cultivate patience. Repeat as often as necessary.