Hello everyone! i am a new member. I really need some advice on my marriage.My husband walked out on me 3 days before x-mas.talk about painful !!!! We've been in a rut for some time. We weren't communcating,or meeting our emotional needs,which I had no idea about until I found Dr. Harley's website.I think it was fate!!!We would be celebrating our 5th anniversary this month.But here's my story.Both of us had been married before.He has a son from his first marriage i have 2 girls from mine.My girls live with me and his son lives with his mom.My husband gets along too good with his ex,which brings me to my problem.She calls him all the time at work,not at home,or on cell phone, he's lied about going to her house to fix something! She went and bought a membership to a golf club which he failed to tell me about,she calls him to remind him of his daddy b-day!!! She knows somethings before I do. Are they having an affair?? No but one would wonder, wouldn't they?I know its good they get along but when its creating problems in our marriage I would think he would try do things different.Am i in the wrong here?? Please someone tell me.So after all the talks I had with him over this and nothing being done I built a wall between us,I've said some awlful things(angry outburst) and hurt him bad,and now he's gone.He has moved in with a male friend and paying him 300.00 to stay there.Things were really tight when he was here and now he is gone he gives me what he can,after a 500.00 child support payment and 650.00 truck payment,he's not putting much in the bank.We started going to a M.C. but I don't think it's doing much good. He hsan't been able to forgive me for the things I've said to him.I have begged him for forgiveness,but he said he can't forgive me yet.He won't tell me anything except he doesn't know!!!And this is what he keeps telling the M.C.I am hurting so bad,I love him with all my heart and he tells me he loves me too,but he doesn't make much of an effort to call me or to see me,it's been me asking him to come over,and I really feel sometimes he only comes because he doesn't want to tell me no and hurt my feelings, I really rather him be honest to me if that's the case. I really have been patience,and I try not to bring up anything about us so I don't push him farther away or put any pressure on him to make a decision,but this time away from each other is taking it's toll on me.I cry all the time I can't sleep or eat very much,this separtation is killing me!!! I average seeing him once a week and talk to him maybe if I'm lucky twice a week. I can't anymore. I just don't know why he continues to hurt me. At lease if I knew where I stood with him or if he plans to come back it wouldn't hurt as bad,but I don't know anything!When I found Dr. Harley's website I printed every thing and gave him a copy,I've asked if he has read any of it he told me he's looked over it some.Then the M.C.suggested His Needs Her Needs I went and bought it I've finished reading it and now he has it.I really need to found a book on Forgiveness. I know forgiveness is a gift and I really am trying to give him the time he needs to heal but I just don't know how much longer I can hold on without any answers, I feel like he's leading me around. What do you all think?? I really want my husband back and will do anything to save our marriage, but I'm afraid the longer he stays gone the harder it will be for him to come back.Oh that was another issue we didn't spend enough time together when he was he. please anyone one can shed some light on this I would really appreciate it.
Lisa

Hi! i am new here too, in fact, i just found this site tonight. I must say, I completely empahize with you.... I have been getting "idontknow"s from my spouse of 12 years for the past 4 years, and I think I passed through where you are now, although we still live in the same house. I hope some of what I've been through helps you: I needed a lot of time to just be sad and hurt - the roots of anger. Then when I knew i couldn't stay that way any longer, I knew I had to find a different way of looking at things. It wasn't necessarily forgiveness, but it was looking at my husband with the understanding that he is saying "idontknow" because he really doesn't know, and it makes him feel more guilty, sad, and hurt that it hurts me. So, I had to accept a few things - 1) that he could just leave and stay away and it would all be over --- and that if that happens, I would obviously be very upset, but my life would go on as happily as I could make it. and 2) although I KNOW how I feel and what I want, he does not, and I cannot MAKE him understand himself. So, I am at the point where I am at peace most of the time. I feel that I have prepared myself to either work on our marriage without resentment for our crisis, or call it quits if he decides he just doesn't want me at all. The doctor suggests setting yourself a time limit that you will "be nice and do nothing to upset" your spouse, and I would think, be clear about how you feel and what you want - and at the end of that time period, either he decides to go with you and try to make amends, or you move on with your life.
In one of the Q & A letters, the doctor advises that all contact must be cut off between the people having an affair - which, even if its not physical, your husband obviously still has to have some contact with the mother of his children. However, using the doctor's rules, you and he could conceivably set some ground rules about his contacts with her that might help.
It is truly frustrating when we're in this place, so I hope I have provided you with some support. You are not alone. And whether your spouse comes back to you or not, you are still a lovable person, OK? I keep thinking about a line I once heard - about the best revenge being total happiness - this, I wish for you, with or without him.