Hello everyone! i am a new member. I really need some advice on my marriage.My husband walked out on me 3 days before x-mas.talk about painful !!!! We've been in a rut for some time. We weren't communcating,or meeting our emotional needs,which I had no idea about until I found Dr. Harley's website.I think it was fate!!!We would be celebrating our 5th anniversary this month.But here's my story.Both of us had been married before.He has a son from his first marriage i have 2 girls from mine.My girls live with me and his son lives with his mom.My husband gets along too good with his ex,which brings me to my problem.She calls him all the time at work,not at home,or on cell phone, he's lied about going to her house to fix something! She went and bought a membership to a golf club which he failed to tell me about,she calls him to remind him of his daddy b-day!!! She knows somethings before I do. Are they having an affair?? No but one would wonder, wouldn't they?I know its good they get along but when its creating problems in our marriage I would <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> think he would try do things different.Am i in the wrong here?? Please someone tell me.So after all the talks I had with him over this and nothing being done I built a wall between us,I've said some awlful things(angry outburst) and hurt him bad,and now he's gone.He has moved in with a male friend and paying him 300.00 to stay there.Things were really tight when he was here and now he is gone he gives me what he can,after a 500.00 child support payment and 650.00 truck payment,he's not putting much in the bank.We started going to a M.C. but I don't think it's doing much good. He hsan't been able to forgive me for the things I've said to him.I have begged him for forgiveness,but he said he can't forgive me yet.He won't tell me anything except he doesn't know!!!And this is what he keeps telling the M.C.I am hurting so bad,I love him with all my heart and he tells me he loves me too,but he doesn't make much of an effort to call me or to see me,it's been me asking him to come over,and I really feel sometimes he only comes because he doesn't want to tell me no and hurt my feelings, I really rather him be honest to me if that's the case. I really have been patience,and I try not to bring up anything about us so I don't push him farther away or put any pressure on him to make a decision,but this time away from each other is taking it's toll on me.I cry all the time I can't sleep or eat very much,this separtation is killing me!!! I average seeing him once a week and talk to him maybe if I'm lucky twice a week. I can't anymore. I just don't know why he continues to hurt me. At lease if I knew where I stood with him or if he plans to come back it wouldn't hurt as bad,but I don't know anything!When I found Dr. Harley's website I printed every thing and gave him a copy,I've asked if he has read any of it he told me he's looked over it some.Then the M.C.suggested His Needs Her Needs I went and bought it I've finished reading it and now he has it.I really need to found a book on Forgiveness. I know forgiveness is a gift and I really am trying to give him the time he needs to heal but I just don't know how much longer I can hold on without any answers, I feel like he's leading me around. What do you all think?? I really want my husband back and will do anything to save our marriage, but I'm afraid the longer he stays gone the harder it will be for him to come back.Oh that was another issue we didn't spend enough time together when he was he. please anyone one can shed some light on this I would really appreciate it.
Lisa

It seems that you are not setting the right consequences for unappreciated behavior from your husband. What is important to him that you can exert some control over? Start by telling him..."if I don't start getting_______, you will stop getting________". Then you need to follow this up with the appropriate action. If he doesnt't provide what you need, do exactly what you said you were going to do. Do it without fear because you believe he loves you enough to deal with this. If you don't get the results you are looking for...you are one step closer to realizing the truth about the sincerity of his vows. Set increasingly more severe consequences until either he realizes he is neglecting you or in the worst case scenario, you discover you both need to move on.

PS...Forgivness is a last resort and somewhat of a cop-out. If you want something like...oh say...love or respect you sometimes need to fight for it, demand it and take it.

I totally DISAGREE with that advice. If you follow the line of reasoning that he can be manipulated into capitulation that is a recipe for disaster. He has already been badgered and knocked around. He has withdrawn because he's tired of it and he has drawn the boundary. I would suggest that you respect him, give him his space, work diligently on changing yourself, and allow him the option of contacting you when HE'S ready. If you continue to push you may drive him completely away.

Yes, his conduct toward his ex appears to be out of line, but this is NOT about him, it's about you. He has retreated into his cave for contemplation. Be grateful he is not in the arms of another woman. Please give him time to read, think, pray, get advice. Discretion on your part now will hopefully lead to reconciliation later. God bless!

Yes...I am sorry...I have to disagree with my earlier post. Promise Keeper is right. I sincerely apologize because I didn't get all the way through youre post, I got hung up on one or two comments.
"He has already been badgered and knocked around. He has withdrawn because he's tired of it and he has drawn the boundary. I would suggest that you respect him, give him his space, work diligently on changing yourself, and allow him the option of contacting you when HE'S ready."

This seems appropriate

Once again...I am deeply sorry

No harm - no foul! God bless!