I have been engaged to my girlfriend for almost 2 years. We are getting married in June of 2004. Lately, I have come to the realization that we have complete different goals and aspirations in life. She goes to school full-time and I support her and work full-time. I would like to have kids in the next 2 to 3 years. She does not, and will not until she is done with school and has a job. She still has about 3 years of school left and has been going for 3 years while I have ben supporting her financially this whole time. I respect her goals, but wonder if that is just one of the signs not to get married. It's very stressful at the age of 23 to support 2 people and have a house to take care of as well. My life is not the same anymore. I don't like who I have become in the last few years. I am depressed, out of shape and have an extreme amount of financial debt. Our lifestyles are not affordable to my income. Yet we both are lost, and dont know what to do...any advice would be extremely helpful, because we are talking about splitting up for a month just to see how it goes. I am wondering if we should just call off the wedding and go our seperate ways. She is 21 years old and i am 23, our sex life is completely gone as well. To me that is unhealthy and a huge warning sign.

<small>[ March 03, 2004, 11:49 PM: Message edited by: JoshuaBen ]</small>

1. You do not agree about children
2. Your sex life is bad

People have broken up over those two reasons alone. You might start looking furthur to see if you two are truly compatable. Why cant she get financial aid for school? Why do you have to support her. You are not even married yet, this seems strange to me.

Is there an agreement that she will pay you back and when she will pay you back?

Is she a taker?

I'm dealing with a wedding that has been called off as well but because he's now terrifed of the marriage concept. In your case, I understand your concerns because I hear so much stress. In talking to her I hope you were honest about your concerns because I'm not hearing the teamwork effort on her part. You are stressed for several different reasons centered around her and her choices. How can she not recognize the pressure. Keep talking and stay strong!

The easy thing would be to call it off. The result would not be easy to deal with. She is not talking to me about it all. If we broke up, she would have to work to help me pay 50% of the mortgage and prob drop out school. So she gets screwed if thats the route we go. I come fro a strong family background and I would love t ohave kids right away..bu she doesnt and not for a very long time...thats got to be a bad sign...as far as her school, I have been supporting her and its not that she will pay me back, we just both assumed it was something we invested in together.....i guess......

The easy thing would be to call it off.
Yes it would be the easy thing to do.

The result would not be easy to deal with.
Not it wouldn't but it would be much easier than dealing with a divorce 5-7 years down the line.

At 21 years of age, she should be focused on herself...and she is. She is focusing on her education (I don't know why you'd pay for that--let her get financial aid or let her parents pay). She should be focusing on developing who she is.

People change so much in their twenties. You'd likely be handicapping yourselves heavily if you got married at 21 and 23 with different expectations. The fact that sex has detiorated and communication is a big issue essentially makes marriage now suicidal.

It's good that you are seeing these problems now. Pay close attention to those warning signs that you are recognizing...don't push them aside or they will just come back to haunt you later.

And I agree with the others about the money issue. I don't understand why you are financing her schooling. That is an incredible responsibility and one you shouldn't have before marriage. Marriage is an incredible responsibility and one you shouldn't invite until you are really ready. What's the rush?

Take care,
Smile

I am a woman but I would never take money from my boyfriend to pay my way through school. I would not USE someone that way. It shows "her character" to you (not in a good way) the fact she can use your money this way without a payback payment agreement in writing.

Heck, if she decides to dump you after her schooling is over (happens all the time) then you are SOL with time, money and your heart all wasted.