I am new to this & have never posted before. But I see alot of helpfull advice on other posts. Although I havnt found anything near what Im going thru.
I've been married 12 yr. & we have 3 children, our marriage was a good one till about 4 yr. ago. I started to see another side to my H, he would get angry & say hurtful things. The 1st instance that I remember was him telling me he wished I was dead. His big thing is that he has a very high sex drive, where I had low one. He wasnt getting enough..even thougth it was at least 5-6 x a wk. To make a long story short , he would get frustrated & become very angry, such things as: punching holes in walls, throwing things, throwing me out of the bed w/ the mattress on top of me, telling me I am F'd up, i better fix myself,much more verb stuff & punching a picture that was haning above my 18mo. head. Glass fell around her, she was unharmed by the grace of God, but he required stiches. I did take H to the hospital & left him there & me & the kids moved out. We went back after 2wks things great for a while, but we are "classic" in the abuse cycle. He doesnt believe that he is verbally abusive, I need to toughen up, I know what the problem is ( my lack of sexuall desire) so I need to just "do it" and move on. And I did. Time after time after time untill I cant do it anymore. When I read the Dr's article on sexual adversion..I was so relie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ved..it is so me. And I know know what is wrong, & how I got here. My H has been really trying the last 6 mo. or so, but It hasnt changed the way I feel towards him intimately. I have started having axiety when he comes near me, I feel revolt when he touches me, I cringe, I have made myself "go somewhere else" just to get thru it. Well, I showed H the article & he got angry (somehow I stupidly expected him to be relieved as I was). This has brought us to a couple more verbally ugly exchanges, & I just burst. I cant do it anymore..I have so much anxiety. I told him I was leaving, yata yata yata. He begged me to stay, he called an ER counseling meeting (mind you he'd never been there before, but it was a start). The counslers have asked that I dont make any rash decisions about leaving. My H says he understands about the eversion & I am to work on it, but need to understand that he "has needs".
The counsler & I both tried to explain to him, that right now, it is "his need" that is killing me inside. So we left a 2 hr session yester. & he isnt speaking to me, he's angry, and I am just plain EXHAUSTED...emotionally, physcally. I would just like to hear from someone who may have gone thru the same thing. Am I holding onto a hopeless situation. Am I being unreasonable?

Hi Angel,
I would like to try and give you some insight from a male perspective and to share with you where I'm at with my marriage. I am very much like your husband in terms of the angry outbursts and throwing things and being verbally abusive. I have been on this site for two week now and absorbing all the articles from MB's, reading everything from this site I can get my hands. I also signed up for counesling which begins next week. I love my wife dearly, but she aborted our baby and left a week later back in Oct. to move back to Canada, wants out of the marriage and has no interest in counseling whatsoever. If you haven't yet, please read all of Dr. Harley's stuff, ESPECIALLY:
1. Basic Principles
2. Emotional Needs
3. The Love Bank
4. Love Busters.

I was not meeting any of my wife's EN's and constantly taking withdrawals out of her Love Bank to the point where she aborts and leaves and has stated she is never coming back. To top it all off,I was doing Love Buster behaviors almost daily! I am in the middle of some serious soul-searching and hopefully transformation. If your husband has gotten to the point where he has looked in the mirror and is being real with himself (this usually happens to us men through infliction of great emotional pain, if at all!) then he is ready to start doing what I call the "heavy lifting" work. If he wants to start making deposits in your Love Bank, may I suggest to you that he put his EN for sexual fulfillment aside indefinitley (I understand this one well) and start showing affection (not sex), conversation, and recreational time with you. I beleive if he does this from the heart as a sign of his love and commitment to the marriage, and not as a manipulative ploy, that you will see real changes in him. I feel for you and your pain, I feel for the road ahead for him, because he needs a "come to Jesus" moment soon before your Love Bank is busted and you leave permamently. That's my heartbreak and I wish at this point that what I know now, I knew 6 months ago. I would have saved my W and myself and our kids much pain. Your H's present anger is hopefully a transition step to reaching awareness that he needs to do some serious work. Hope this helps.

warmly,
rsupp

Thanks rsupp for your insight into the male mind. I am working my way thru all of the articles on this site and a finding it all very helpful.
I dont think my H is quite ready to face 'the man in the mirror'. He is still in denial...."everything is my fault, everything has to me on my time, my way or no way" It is just sickening. I hope that he sticks w/ the therapy. I know there is alot of underlying issues going on. But in the mean time, I hope I can hold it together.
Sorry about your situation. Never give up the faith..."All things are possible thru Christ who strengthens me"
Angel

Rsupp & Angel38, In the midst of my own disaster I will pray for both of your situations...It helps me to not dwell on my own problems but to help people with thiers...

I am at the beginning of a good thing and at the end of the very bad stuff you metion about your husband, angel.... something I learned through all this is you can't change him - but - you can change your actions when he is being angry and abusive. My husband still rails about me setting healthy boundaries but one thing I did was one day I said to him it's okay for you to be angry and yell and scream but I won't be in the same room while it's going on. So it took alot of tries but when ever I heard him start to yell about stuff or he started yelling while I was in the same room I removed myself from the situation. For awhile this made him even angrier because he had no audience and no one to spit blame at but eventually he started to control those angry outbursts. I found when I was in the middle of all his anger that I would freeze and it would just go on and on. He is still angry because I am "controlling" him ... but I tell him he can be angry, that's fine, I just won't be around to witness it. Our life is much more peaceful right now. We still have alot of problems but even that one little step has given me hope that though he might never change there are things I can do.. I also came across a great book called "angry men and the women who love them. " I can't remember the author but it was so helpful. You may need to leave it a friends house at this point....
blessings on you as you move forward

That is really great to hear about your desire to make things new with your wife. I wish you the very best on this. If you get yourself into the Word of God, he will see you throught all of this.
May God Bless You.

Its funny, aliceone, I just used your piece of advise RIGHT before I read it!! H was calling me names, I walked out & said I wasnt sticking around to be called names. But I like (and will use) when you said "He can choose to be angry, but you wont be around to witness it." I agree that I have been giving him something to vent his anger on. From now on, I will remove myself (& the kids if need be) from the situation.
Right now he is being Mr. Wonderful because he doesnt want me to leave. I trully dont feel that he loves me as much as he says he does....I think its more like an addiction. Honestly...he banks everything on ME.
Please pray that if God wants me to stay in this marriage, that I will feel something for my H. There has been so much damage done..so much hurt..so much pain... The reality of it is.....it might be a case of "to little, to late".

don't give up = keep taking those little steps. Find a friend who can support you as you go through the tough steps of setting healthy boundaries while continuing to love (that is really hard for me sometimes to think I'm the one being wronged and yet I need to show love) It's been three years for me and just in the last few months are things getting better.
Do you have a friend there who you can talk things through who will support you in your desire to stay and change things for the positive? I finally had to tell my sister how bad things really were and over and over she supported me and helped me to see things realistically (one of them was that he was being a skunk but that I needed to focus on my part) You'll have to choose that friend carefully or they will just tell you to throw in the towel. I do not know why men become abusive after a long time - but my husband suffered from depression and that was the start of it.... but I enabled the whole spiral down by accepting whatever came along from him.

oh yeah - it sounds like you are a Christian - it might take just hanging in there right now without really feeling anything for him before that feeling happens again- like you said there has been alot of hurt there.

Is he desperate enough for you to do a marriage growth like His Needs Her Needs it's way less "fix up the husband" intimidating than counselling

I have heard this book "His needs Her needs" mentioned alot in these forums. It sounds like something I need to get & read. As to whether H will be willing to read it w/ me remains to be seen.
There is a song, havnt heard it for awhile, that says "Change me or move me". I believe it is by FFH. That is my motto and prayer right now.

angel, your situation sounds like what I am going thru right now. But I have one added factor, I have recently started talking to an old "friend" that I have always have feeling for (and him for me). He makes me see what I deserve from a husband. But I know my realtionship with him is hurting my relationship with H. So I'm going to tell friend we can't keep in contact anymore. He has giving me the confidence I needed to stand up and tell H not to talk to me like that. And when we fight instead of trying not to make him mad and starting to cry, this weekend I spoke my mind and didn't cry - let him know it was not all my fault - and marriage is about more than sex. We have both read HNHN about a year ago (probably need to reread it soon) - will keep praying for all of us in this kind of situation

run as fast as you can from that old friend. You are really vulnerable right now....
Find a girlfriend you can get encouragement from instead....

I agree with aliceone, run from this guy friend and start talking to someone else.....your mom, girl friend, counsler, pastor, someone.
I am very lucky to have a good support system which includes my mom & a few great friends. I hope you have that too. If not, find someone

I feel like im losing it, guys! I am so overwhelmed! Besides the issue w/ my H ( which isnt going anywhere but downhill) im dealing w/ my 10yr. son who hates me, hates little sis., he wont let me pray w/ him, help him w/ homework, very angry. He feels that I love my 4yr D, more than him, that I buy her more, spend more time w/ her, he says if he was dead I'd be happier. I cant do anything right w/ him. I just cant cope. So now I have a son AND a husband who dont feel loved & appreciated...really starting to question who & what I am.

Angel,

It sounds as though you are intuitively finding the right things to do to make yourself and your husband better off. The book by Cloud & Townsend "Boundaries in Marriage" gives a lot of good direction on dealing with each other that I have found very helpful in my own situation. I also related to the aversion info in the MB books. Lucky for me my husband took it better than yours...My children are also a bit easier for me to deal with - Those are tough ages. I think you're doing great in your efforts so far and they will only benefit your entire family in time. Please read the book.

PS: I also found that a carefully worded affirmation repeated frequently worked wonders for me. Everything came true - not the exact outcome I had planned or even hoped for, but the one which was right and best for everyone involved... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

keep going angel I've been plodding along for 3 years and just now I am seeing small things that show it's improving. Part of my journey has been to work through the Boundaries in Marriage workbook (twice) and I still have tons more to learn. the comforting thing is I am changing though he may never change but as I change in a healthy way he is changing too. There is also a book called boundaries with kids which might help you.....

Another thing I have to keep reminding myself is to look for those small positive steps. My husband suffers with depression and won't get help for 10 years as well as the marriage problems. When we live with problems for so long we tend to expect bad things and sometimes it's hard to believe or recognize that that small good thing like your husband really trying for the last six months is a positive thing.

There's another good book out there called "angry men and the women who love them" keep it at a friends house while you read it if your husband is abusive. But it addresses abuse cycles and give some good help.

I think you should pick up a copy of Why does he do that? You can get it used at amazon, its the best i haver ever read on abuse written by a guy who counsels abusive men

I must tell you though that while he does see some fo them make complete turnarounds the norm is for them to maintain the staus quo.

I suspect that all of you already know that though so I am wondering what is your goal. Is it to find a way to stay sane while living with an abusive man? IT does not sound like any of you are married to men that are all all interested in changing themselves so I am assumin gyou are just trying to find a way to live with the abuse.

I am just curious. I have been there so I feel for you dealing with this.

men who abuse can change.... But it takes the woman standing up and saying this is not good it can't happen any more. It might even take a separation with the intent to come back together when things change for that man to change. So my husband is changing - and though he's hated the process he seems to be happier with himself as well...

No the goal is not to stay sane while married the goal is for both husband and wife to be healthy. But sometimes it takes some patience while the process happens - at the same time we can't just endure the abuse. So that's where boundaries come in - such as when you scream I will take the kids and go out for awhile. Then you're not enduring that abuse. And if you are punished for going out then you need to have another consequence set up for that such as going for overnight. Often we try so hard not to let our support system know what is going on so we don't ask anyone to let us stay overnight. Becuase then people will know somethings wrong. Someone who is abusive doesn't want people to know so when people do know the abuser gets the message that it's not right.

about your son - it sounds like he imitating what he's hearing from his father. The sad thing is the way the father treats the wife is how the son will treat his mother and then his wife. So keep loving your boy. your faithfulness will win out in the end. I've heard the same things from my son - but his attitude is also changing as he see his father changing.

I know you don't feel like your husband loves you but I think he probably does. One thing I have learned about my husband is that he doesn't hve a real strong center? so he needs me to complete his defficiencies rather than the two of us to complement each other.

He also has a high high sex drive every day and me not so high so that is a frustration to me ... as he has become more loving it is easier for me to adjust to that
I hope you can find a good counsellor since you said he's willing to go.. so many of them just counsel to throw in the towel...

Thanks for all your encouragement Aliceone! It really does help to hear from someone who has been or is going thru the same stuff.
I just picked up "His Needs, Her Needs" yesterday. I have heard alot of good about this book. I'll check into the bounderies one, also.
I agree that when we live w/ so much turmoil & conflict for so long that is all we can see. I actually dont think I know how to act "out of turmoil"!!! Seriously!! My life has been this way for so long, that is all I know. And I do try & look at the positive w/ my husband making changes. Its just we've been on this merry-go-round for so long,...things are bad...they get better, they get bad again...then they get great,...then bad again....its hard to believe the good could ever last. But that IS what i want. Example....H & I had a break thru last Friday, totally reconnected, things good for 1 wk., This thursday I bought him flowers, bottle of wine, bread, cheese's invited him on "date" after kids went to bed! Sounds great. The next morning he proceeds to tell me how bummed out he is over my lack of "oommff", that i just dont have it for him. It was like someone just let all the air out of me. I felt so deflated. This is what im talking about. Im just not good enough for him. I pray that things will become easier, and also that I can hang in there till they do, cuz I have just about reached my limit on how much I can take.
In answer to jskjsk's question whether I am just trying to find a way to stay sane while living this way.....I am trying to find a way to change me. Yes, so that I can better deal w/ my insane living right now, but also so that I will be a better person. I have reached the point of not wanting to live my life this way. I cant physically & emotionally do it anymore. So that means I have to change. And I have to become strong and stand up for myself & my children. But I also want & pray that thru this change, H will too. Maybe he wont, as you said, some can change while others never really do. But if this can work, I raelly want it to, for everyone involved. But if it doesnt, well, then I have become a better person, I have become stonger, and I Will survive!!!!
My children are a GREAT concern for me. And I often think....If I had changed years ago, If I had been stronger...would my children be going thru so much crap. Alot of what my boys are going thru is probably age apprpriate, but alot of it is enviroment!!! We all have alot to work on in this family. Each of us has our own counseler for now & we'll be doing some family counseling down the road.
Some days I just feel like I cant go on and others I feel very incontrol. Its an emotional rollar coaster ride that is wearing thin!!
Again, I thank everyone for their own insight or advice. I feel much better when I read these posts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />