Hope I'm doing this right. This is my last attempt to try and understand what is going on. I believe that my H is cheating on me with a co-worker, but he absolutely refuses to admit it. Maybe I'm the unreasonable one, but here is what I have to date.

In November I discovered that he had changed the address the cell phone bills were going to from home to work - back in January 2003. He claims to have told me about this, but I say no he did not. When I looked up the statements online there were many phone calls to his work voice mail, his work voice mail message system (leave a message to someone), to a female co-worker and a cell phone. Most calls were to the voice mail numbers and sometimes added up to 8 a day -even on weekends. I of course confronted him and he claims it was all work related. Also, there was not one old cell phone bill in the house anywhere.

Next, I discover that his credit card statements are no longer going to our home address either, and when I asked him he said that he changed that a long time ago, but again I know it was coming to the house in June. Once again, I could not find an old statement in the house. Plus he claims to have thrown all old statements away.

He told me that there was no balance on the credit card anyway and that he just used it for business travel. He has not traveled since November, yet he paid almost $2000 on it in January, but not with our checking account money. I pulled a credit report to get this information.

He claims I was worrying about nothing, yet I still felt something was wrong. So, I check our laptop for any unusual things and I find a cached copy of a hotmail account that I knew nothing about with more than 50 emails from her and the last one had a subject line of "I miss you". Again he claims it was work related and that was probably a joke. The cached copy was more than a year old so he claims that he doesn't really remember what it was about and that account is no longer open anyway. I of couse emailed something to it and it never came back as undeliverable.

Finally, last week after receiving no satisfactory answers, I checked the laptop again. I found two love letters written to her during the time period all of the phone calls and emails are going on. He talks about making love to her, about not wanting to give her up, about loving her and hating the limits on their time together. And do you know what he told me when I confronted him with that? He said he was just fantasizing about having a relationship with someone who he could make happy because he never feels like he makes me happy. All this happened shortly after the birth of our second child and I thought things were okay - not great, but okay.

Am I crazy for thinking that he did have a relationship with this women? He denies it over and over while he looks me in the eye. He tells me he loves me and he needs me and he can't live without me. And he swears that he would never, never, never, never (his words) do that to me and the kids. Has anyone ever heard of this happening before???

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: SpouseGuess ]</small>

Hi - he is having an affair, definetely -You have the proof, (the emails) he is lying to you when he says it is all a fantasy -actually it is the truth in a sense, he is having a fantasy affair with a co-worker, all the other things are proof too - change of address for the bills, Keep at him for the truth, don't doubt yourself and keep searching. I would post this in Just Found Out, you will get alot more response and probably some great ideas. Best of luck - Sandy

WOW!!! sounds kind of like what I am going through, I got a call at work from somone that wouldn't give me there name they called to tell me that my husband has been cheating on me with a friend of are's he also say's that he loves me and would never cheat on me.(sounds farmiliar huh) he has a bad habit of lying to me though, has your husband lyed to you before about things? I do not and will not beleive my husband on this one, but I am going to get the truth one way or the other one of the people suggested I go to wal-mart and get a voice activated recorder and put it under the seat in his car, and I am going to purchase one today. I called walmart and they do have them for 38.00 not alot to spend when your marriage is at stack. I know exactly how you feel I just got the call on Monday, I would suggest you stop saying anything about it and get one of the recorders and catch him once you have it on tape he can't deny it then. You are not crazy I think he is cheating and he is useing reverse phsycoligy on you to get you off his trail, keep plugging along, have you tryed e-mailing this women or looked up her profile to maybe get a name or town she might live in? I wish you all the luck in the world I hope we both find out the truth even though it might hurt it is better to know so we can go on with are life's and find someone who will be faithful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

the problem with emailing the woman is that then your husband isn't making the choice to leave her you are forcing his hand. That backfired with me. It seems healthier to come up with the evidence and then give him a choice. When he chooses you completely you will.... If he doesn't completely cut off from that woman you will.... If you've read though his needs her needs ther is a chapter on affairs. There is alot of stuff on here too about what to do regarding affairs but to make your marriage work he can't have anything more to do with that woman.

Spouseguess - You're husband IS having an affair, because he is involved with another woman and you are not a part of it. I have found that men think they can justify this if there is not sex involved - they don't realize that an emotional affair is just as devastating to their spouse as a physical relationship. My H actually said to me that emailing his former affair partner was not continuing their relationship - he just wanted to be "friends". He also claimed that he "had to stay in touch" for work-related reasons. These excuses are nothing more than rationalizing.
Try to be calm and not confront your husband hysterically. He is in the fog of denial. I asked my H straight up - are you cheating on me? - with a lot less evidence than you have - more of a hunch. He didn't want to answer, but I told him to give me the truth.
You might start seeing an IC in the meantime to help you deal with things. I found the name of a MC in our area as soon as I found out, and I told my H that I would call and make an appt. for us.
I am learning now that I thought we were both happy, but he had been miserable for years - just never shared it with me.
Having another child puts a tremendous amount of stress on marriage. Our problems started after #3 was born.
Good Luck!

<small>[ April 07, 2004, 10:27 PM: Message edited by: Travelling Girl ]</small>

Just wanted to let everyone know that I moved this post to Just Found Out. I have received numerous replies and the consensus is that my H is having/had an affair. At this time I still do not have the truth. I get denial after denial. I even tried an anonymous email to the OW but that had no effect. He truly seems to want to work on the marriage so I guess that is good news.