I Have been working on an informal POJA with my wife. Although we are still haveing problems due to disagreements and failures on my part, she wants me to come up with consequences for when I fail, because she is sure it is a matter of time before I do. Her resoultion is to give up on everything. How can I come up with a consequence that is fair that doesnt result in divorce?

What kind of failure are you talking about? Is it having an affair? Is it not taking the trash out? Is it making choices without consulting her to make sure the two of you can agree first?

My first reaction to your post was that she sounds really controlling and seems to really want to punish you. I don't think that sounds liek a very healthy approach. However, could see that she wants to figure out how to help you not do some more damage to the relationship short of just ending it.

If my H. (when he comes back) took money from out bank account (a rule I am hoping he will agree that he can not do until he is working), then the "consequences" would be that he would have to take back to the store whatever he bought or we would have less grocery or spending money and both of us would have a consequence then. (But the second would be a natural consequence as our finances are in bad shape.)

If he took off and didn't come back by the next morning, I would have the locks in the house changed and he would be out of the house. This is a rule I hope he will also agree with.

But if it is something little, like he went all week and didn't do anything around the house or didn't job hunt or something, the "consequence" would be a discussion about it and that would have to be it. I refuse to become his mother. I want a husband, not a child.

And as someone trained a bit in behavioral psychology i would remind u that rewards are more effective than consequences. What rewards to you get for not failing?

What is a POJA again?

The POJA is "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse." Sometimes we come up with a resolution to specific topics or things that I need to change, but other that fighting, there is no consequence for not following or breaking my promise to change certain behaviors. Yes at times I feel controlled and maybe that is why I have so many problems.

There is so much baggage that has ben brought in to the marriage, at time there seems to be no way to resolve them. I tried letting go, but my W can't. She has told me she has to talk about it over and over again, to understand me, but it never helps. We are both guilty of using all of the Love Busters to resolve conflicts but I understand it and try to stop it. She sees it as doing nothing more than showing me how she feels by repeating or simulating the hurting actions.

We have problems with intimacy, affection, trust, openess and honesty, which stem from never actually having a relationship. As a blended family, we met, went straight to the physical bonds, but she never felt me emotionally bonding with her. She uses the phrase "Treat others as you want to be treated", but I always felt like I was giving back to her, only to discover that I have been pushing her further away. She sadi she feels like we have been emotionally divorced over the last year, and again today, she asked for a divorce. Yes, I am guilty of independant behavior which has caused problems and lying when confronted. But I have also misinterpreted alot of words and actions also. I have acquired alot of bad or annoying habits to her, mostly stemming from me being on my own while in the military and a rotating work schedule, that leaves her tending to the family needs while I am either working or sleeping.

I know she is neglected, Which is why I have put her in the position she is in. I still have a hard time trying to take care of her without sacrificeing my own needs. Then there is the kids needs also. Seems like there is not enough time to go around.

Thorny grace: Besides not fighting, I dont know what other rewards there are. I mean yeah, intimate relations can be more frequent, kids permitting, but she says that since I run the financial part of the house, whatever I want, I get. Yes, if there is something I need, I do get it. However, she is a giver and usually puts herself last for anything. Kids then me, not necessarily in the order all the time. I don't know how to change that. What can I do?