Dear friends,

I need help and advice. My husband and I have been married for 10 years but known each other for 14. We have always been best friends and supported each other. Our lives are full with 2 young kids, a farm a mother in law that lives in an apt attached to our house and in laws that are elderly and expect alot from us. My father in law has dimensia and is very ill which takes alot of time from my husband and I ie: phone calls, hospital trip etc.

I felt like I have been depressed for a while but chalked it up to my husband going thru hormone problems and now I am entering menopause.
making love over the past year was when he wanted it. I felt pushed away and hence backed off. Now I am still pushing him away and he wants it again with his hormone meds kicking in.

Several weeks ago after his parents left my husband informed me he didn't feel love for me any more! He cared for me but, that was it. He didn't know what to do he felt more like a brother to me. I was stunned.
I new things weren't up to par but never thought it was this bad.

SInce this time we have gone to see a social worker his request (someone who counseled us previously over a different subject)
After several meetings we began arguing, something we never do and began taking a hard look at our relationship. After reading several books by the Dr. we started spending 1 hour atleast with each other without the kids and have discussed issues as well as how our days went at work.

This has been nice.
I have tried to put more into his love bank in every way imaginable but he never seems to step up to the bat. It took two to get this far off track from our relationship but I feel I am the only one making any kind of change . I feel like I am starting to back away again so I don't get hurt.
IS THAT WRONG?
He is still my best friend and I want to keep our marriage alive with the romance he says is missing.
How do I do that when he is standoffish and if I need to keep adding to the love bank without him doing the same for me
HOW LONG DOE'S THIS TURN AROUND USUALLY TAKE IF ITS GOING TO HAPPEN?

I know my mood swings are bad and my MD has me on anti depressents.
I am looking into a phychiatrist to check these meds out and
I am also going to my GYN for HRT or other information.

I know it took along time to get to this point (for both of us) and the social worker agrees that things won't change overnight
AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING BY ADDING TO HIS LOVE BANK WITHOUT HIM ADDING TO MINE?
(he hasn't read the book yet and just skimed what I took from the internet)
HOW DO I BRING BACK ROMANCE TO OUR RELATIONSHIP?

NOTE: we have put our parents on the back burner in hopes that we strengthen our relationship and have told them so.
My husband listed problems he had with my mom and I wrote them down explained them to my mom and she agreed to accept and change these areas.

Thanks for you help,

Not smiling lost my best friend

I have almost the same situation, very, very simliar. I was shocked although I shouldn't have been. I say, yes, do keep adding to your husband's love bank even if he is not adding to yours. I don't expect any changes for 6 months to a year. I am willing to do what I can, though, to save my marriage. I really wish one of the professionals could answer this though. My question also, is, my husband is not willing to spend time alone, which they say is essential. I will just have to be patient, my worst quality.

You are correct, at least a year, maybe more, It's good to put everything else on the backburner (except of course your kids and work!) and concentrate on the marriage. It must be difficult to be going thru menopause with young kids; mine were grown and out of the house by then. Being on the proper HRT is important too. Perhaps taking time each week to read and discuss the Marriage Builders stuff together (internet, books, etc). Then go out dancing, bowling, play tennis, walk, museums, art galleries, boating, etc etc together! I'm trying to get my husband to do more activities where we can interact in a good way (not fighting), and not just being in a dark movie theater, listening to a band, being in a room full of other people, all places where it is difficult or impossible to talk to one another. I'm also trying to get my husband to let one of his grown adult(?) kids - 27 years old fend for himself, like the others (we have 5 between us!), but this kid just wants to party with dad and is a bad influence. It's like interfering parents/inlaws maybe? I have that problem too! Oh well, let us know how things are going.

Dear people,

Thanks for the posts. I am in the same situation and am also wondering how long I must wait ( its been almost 3 months now ) before my wife starts to contribute to rebuilding our marriage. I have no problem waiting a year, as long as I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Same boat. Same river. I've been trying to fill his boat with love and acceptance which is what he says he wants. But doesn't like MB because he can't honestly fill my emotional needs. Can't?Won't? It's been 2 years. We've been married 30 years. Are there different rules for people that say they have Emotional Deprivation Disorder?

My stbxH says he was never in love with me. He "cares for me and will always care" but that he never loved me like he loves her.

I hate to say this but it's true. I think that almost all of the time, when a man say's "I care for you but I don't love you anymore" what he really means is "there's someone else". Your H probably has a "girlfriend" (if that's what you call a sleazy tramp that thinks nothing of destroying families)

I also think that anyone who can so easily transfer the feelings he has for one woman to another, doesn't really know what love is anyway.

He told me he was unhappy, and complained about a lot of things when I lived with him. He said he wasn't in love with me. So after a year of him constantly complaining, and nothing being good enough, I moved back with my family. That was in 2002. I thought he would come get me and the kids. He didn't.

Last year he started going out with a woman. I know who she is, but I don't kno if she knows much about me. My girlfriend saw them and asked around. He is talking about marrying her when the divorce goes through.

I don't really want him back. I already have a boyfriend who is nice to my kids, even though my oldest hates him.

But it hurts to hear that he wants someone else now.

Can anyone relate a personal story that their spouse did finally wake up an realize they have to put some effort into the marriage. I've changed my life and who I am and I want to share this with her, but she wants space and time to think. Maybe I should be grateful she hasn't asked me to leave.

I posted a note last week about my husband telling me he doesn't know if he loves me any more. He wants time (unlimited I think) to figure this out and he wants me to be supportive, loving, while he is going through this midlife crisis. He keeps telling me that it is all about him and he has made no effort to seek professional help or to work on our marriage. I don't know how long I can keep up pretending, he is destroying our marriage, he is not concerned about anyone (we have 3 daughters) but himself. If he didn't have such self-esteem issues, I would think that he has someone else, although a three hour run till 11:30 last Sat night seems a bit bizarre.
I haven't come across anything positive on this subject, I tried a 180 but after just a day and a half I realized that I can't pretend things are fine, I can't pretend to love and support him when it's completely one sided. I'm so lonely, we have not kissed or been intimate for almost three months. I fear that whatever he is going through will most certainly destroy any love or hope I have.
I'm also impatient so waiting around for him to decide if he actually wants to works things out or end it is incredibly hard.

Are you sure it is a mid-life crisis? How old is he?

This post really struck a cord. I'm pretty much in the same boat.

My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years, but have been together for 13. We were high school sweethearts, but we both went to college/university separately, and had the opportunity to meet other people during that time (so I don't think we were 'sheltered' being together from such a young age). He's always been my best friend...I love him to death and we've always gotten along great...I felt we were the epitome of the 'perfect' marriage...it was just never work for us to get along.

Nine months ago we had our first child, a wonderful son. I think this life change has some signifigance to what's going on...the added stress, and lack of sleep aren't helping I'm sure. Over the last few months, I started feeling like we weren't connecting anymore. I had no desire for sex, and was starting to feel resentment toward him. Some of it was stupid stuff, like him cleaning up after himself, other things were more deep rooted, like how he didn't seem to listen to me when I talked anymore.

Finally, 3 weeks ago I asked him if he thought there was some distance between us. I guess I was hoping he would say everything's okay, but that wasn't the case...he felt the same way. So after a big discussion and many tears, we decided to make a real effort to connect with each other again (date nights, passionate sex, calls during the day just to say hi, etc.). I realized that I've been neglecting him and taking him for granted, and apologized several times to him.

I thought things were going well, until last night when I discovered that even after all this effort, he's still not sure if he wants to be with me. He says he 'loves me to death', but isn't sure if he's still in love with me. And that his thoughts are all over the map...one minute he thinks things are fine, the next he's not sure if he wants to stay married to me. The hardest part about all of this is he seems so emotionally detached about it...like he doesn't even care that 13 years together (and now a little baby's security) may be going down the drain. He doesn't understand his detachment either...so he wants to see a counsellor to sort everything out. His first session starts tonight, and I'm sure I'll be going eventually too.

Now I have no idea how I should react to this situation. I'm getting to the point where I'm quite angry with him but I love him so much and I don't want to push him away with negative emotions. So I'm trying to stay open and emotionally available, but it's hard when I don't know if he even wants to stay together (and he seems so non-chalant about it). That makes me want to withdraw and start building up defences.

Anyway, we don't want to tell anyone about this yet, until he has a chance to sort out his feelings, but I'm feeling so lost and alone, I needed to tell someone...hence this post. I guess from reading the other posts, I'm expecting too much for everything to be hunky dory after a few weeks, but I need to know that he's committed to working things out. I can't keep living like strangers in the same house...and it can't be good for my son to see me crying all the time. So my other issue is if we should separate until he has worked out his feelings.

Anyway, thanks to all for reading this rant, and if anyone has any advice or encouragement to give me, please feel free...I need everything I can get right now.

Thanks.

Cin,
Don't separate. Stay together and work your problems out as a couple. My wife originally wanted us to separate to give her time to think about our relationship - which became hollow due to my withdrawing emotionally from her. But after reading some very good books ( Relationship Rescue and Take Back Your Marriage ) I got the strength to take a leadership role in our relationship and not give up. Take a weekend away, but don't separate.

At least I know where he's been for the last few months when he went out of town on business. He has been having a full blown affair with a married woman. He tells me that she is his soulmate. I told him to move out. I will never forgive him. I guess part of me is just relieved, I've been unhappy for years (alcoholic, verbally abusive, mean, impatient, not great in bed) but was willing to work on this promise we made to each other and God for our 3 children's sake.
He is blindly infatuated and hasn't thought things through..
I feel so incredibly hurt that he'd do this to me. His cheating just put such a huge dirty stain on our 17 years together, I wish at least he respected me and our family to walk out before he f....... somone else.

I don't know if I'll be able to be the strong one for my kids. He has OW who apparently is incredibly caring and supportive and loves him, I have only my family and friends. I feel so lost like I'm in a dream and want to wake up....

Thanks for the advice Atlas.

My husband actually did leave this weekend so he could decide if he wants to try to work things out, or if he just wants to give up. He's coming home tonight after work, so I guess I'll find out what's happening then.

Before he left, I thought things were maybe going to be okay (we seemed to connect more, and had some pretty great sex) but now I have a sinking feeling that he's going to leave. I printed out all the MB basic concepts to read while he was gone, and hid a heartfelt note in it, so he would find it while he was reading. I called him last night to let him know a friend had called, and when I asked if he got the note, he just said, 'yeah, it was a nice note...when'd you write it?' I put all my pride aside and bared my soul to him in that note, and that's all he can say?!? Part of me wants to tell him to 'F*** right off', I deserve better than this, but the larger part of me still wants this to work so bad.

I haven't felt this God-aweful since I had severe depression as a teenager. Every day that goes by, my heart breaks into smaller and smaller pieces. I actually went on a single parent dating website last night to see what was out there...it's too surreal that this may now be a prospect. I haven't been on a date since I was 16.

I guess there's nothing I can do right now except wait. I hope the news is good, but I can't help but think he's going to continue pushing me away.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me rant again...I just need to express my feelings to someone.

Talk about hitting a chord after reading this post...
I feel like "the bad guy" after reading all of these posts. Besides Atlas, I seem to be the one everyone is talking about. Atlas knows what he wanted--I don't. Just to be happy--not complacent and not co-existing.
My situation is complicated (I know, isn't everyone's?) and I put a post on "Other Issues" in the hopes I can get some direction.
My wife and I have known each other for 13 years, been together for twelve, and married for 11. At first, our friends looked up to us as an example: we were the epitemy of the "perfect couple." We were best friends before any romance entered into play. And, fell in love. Because we started the marriage with two children (hers, but they've really been mine too, which isn't an issue I think) and two additional children, we work different shifts in order to provide two loving parents, even though alot of the time we physically weren't there together for 5 of 7 days. At first, it really wasn't a bad arrangement: it made us even more grateful and intense when we did have that precious time (mainly the weekends) together. But there were issues that started rearing their ugly heads a few years after our vows and promises. She had a nervous breakdown and has been dealing with depression (really, her whole life) and I realized I was a gambler. But we stuck by each other and trudged through the best we could. (She has been doing unbelievably well; and I--through my counseling and self-exposure--realize there are other issues within me, but am holding my own.) We are certainly not the same persons we thought we married and fell in love with. With all of this said and not taking up too much of everyone's time, somewhere along the line (and this is where I am struggling and trying to understand what went wrong, etc. etc.) I am not in love with her. I love her dearly and want to make sure she is happy but it's not something I think I am capable of doing. The damage has been done (by both of us) and ironically, not intentionally. I know in order for us to have this marriage work, both of us want it to work. She has expressed she does; I have expressed "I don't know." (One of my problems and my contribution to the downfall of the marriage is that I'm a "stuffer." But recently, I have finally learned to express my feelings. It seems stupid, but it's a big step for me. All I used to express were things that wouldn't make waves. Now, I know it's OK to open my mouth and express dissatisfaction as well. And my true feelings, even though they might not be the most positive.) So, reading all of these posts, I feel like I have to defend myself and say, "Really, I'm not a bad guy!" I just don't know. (And as a side note, to make matters worse in my situation, I have mutually fallen in love with a friend that, there is no A (except for certain, emotianlly) and just the opposite of what toomanylies refers to as a "sleazy tramp." (At first, our personal lives were not discussed, so it's not even a case of infatuation where two people find a bond then grow on that.) This "other" woman actually said that I need to resolve my marriage. (Her's is a completely different situation, but also with children involved.) They are two separate issues, but I really feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone and am driving myself completely insane. As I search for more answerws, I only get questions in twofold (at the minimum.)
So, besides explaining the "other side", any suggestions, help--anything--even criticism in what I am doing wrong--anything to answer "How do I know if I want to have this marriage work" will help. Thanks for hearing me out and all of the posts--even reading them at least I feel comfort in knowing I am not alone.

liny,

Thanks so much for giving me your side of the story. You and your wife sound a lot like my husband and I (friends first, 'perfect couple', etc.).

I've printed off your post for my husband to read tonight in hopes that (if it rings true for him), I can better understand where he's coming from.

Oh, by the way, if anyone is interested in my little saga, he called today and said he wants to try to work it out. YAY!!! It's a start anyway.

Unfortunately, the one fear I keep coming back to is the 'OTHER WOMAN'. I've heard too many times in the last few weeks that 'I'm not in love with you anymore' means, 'there's someone else'. I've always trusted him, and still don't really believe that he would have a physical affair on me, but I do worry that he's having (or will have) an emotional one. I've asked before and he's said no...I'd ask again, but frankly, I just don't know if I could handle it if he said yes at this point. So, I think I'll leave that alone, and just concentrate on getting connected again.

Well, I think I've taken up enough of your time everyone. Thanks again for listening.

cin1503,
I'm glad you heard from your husband and hope something I wrote will turn a switch on--at the very least for some resolution on your part.
I know many people frown on the expresion "falling in love" and I can see there point, to an extent. Only your husband can tell you for sure, but the same goes for "falling out of love." Too many barriers have been built up between my wife and myself that I just don't know if they can be torn down, if we can climb over them, or if it is even worth the effort. I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is, the fact that he "wants" to work it out is a huge, huge step! Regarding the "other woman" issue, only he can answer that. For me, the "other woman" for years was gambling. Same impact and results as if it were a real woman, unfortunately. Now, with both of us dusting ourselves off, I'm finding more questions and the ultimate question of if I want to continue with this. My guard (both because of me and her) is completely up. The "other, other woman" was not planned, I wasn't looking, but it happened, with my guard up, mind you, which is a separte issue from my marriage. (And again, it's an emotional affair, which is killing me more and more daily, as we both know now is not the time to be together, if we are ever to be. I'm now an emotional affair can actually be more damaging than a stereotypical affair where it is just hormones and infatuation talking. I'm doing with this other woman what I can't/don't want to (not sure)/should be doing with my wife: share my dreams, hopes, worries, pride, thoughts, my sadness and happiness, etc. But we can only take that even so far, with both of us with the same view that we made vows to other people and certainly have responsibilities that are not affecting the same people. Yes, I know it's warped, but I didn't "ask" that we fall in love! Dear God, it's making our situations even more difficult!) If I were to ever be with this other woman or anybody for that mtter, including trying to live with myself, I need to make right my marriage first--whether that means somehow, someway fixing all of the problems and differences or accepting that it's "not worth it", another saying I'm sure to be frowned upon. How I manage to do this? My problem. Starting off point? No clue. Resolution...priceless.

Your husband gave you the indication he wants to try and work it out. For me, that's my biggest battle right now. I hope--for your sanity, at the very least--that you both can take that "want" and develop it into something real again. Best of luck, and let us know how you are doing. Me? I'm open for suggestions!

Liney,
It's so sad reading this for me as it echos what my H has been telling me and told me once again today. I really hope that you can give your marriage another chance and try having NC with the OW. I'm hoping my H will give us another chance and I can only hope you will too because that would bring hope to many of the people here going through the same.

You may want to post in the Questions section under infidelity. You may get more responses there. All I can say is that you even being on this site is a step in the right direction.

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 02:42 AM: Message edited by: GoodByeME ]</small>

Hey Liny,

Well, I may have jumped the gun...he wants to go to councelling, but basically he's still in the same boat as you. He just doesn't know about us, and wants to work his feelings through without hurting me anymore than he already has. He says if we don't work it out, he wants to have an amicable relationship for our son's sake (and as much as I can't imagine being able to even stand seeing him if this happens, I have to agree...I don't want to warp our son.)

As I mentioned in my first post, we've been together since high school. We went away to different colleges/universities though, so I never thought that we were being 'sheltered' in getting married...we had both had the opportunity to meet other people individually, and neither of us ever met anyone we wanted to be with more than each other.

However, now he's thinking perhaps we should have had a break before we got married. I'm also the first and only woman he's had sex with, so he's wondering what it would be like to sleep with someone else. (I had one partner before him...I was 15, inexperienced and it sucked, so basically I feel like he was my first too). Also, his parents split 6 months before we got married, and are now remarried and engaged. Apparently, these were all issues he worked through before we got married, but now they're rearing their ugly heads again. And he's also starting to think that we've been 'one' person for so long...he wants to see who he is.

I guess these are all contributing factors to what's going on. I can understand them, but that understanding doesn't help. I'm still being rejected by the person who means more to me than anything in the world. I feel like less than a woman, and am sure I'm spiralling into depression at this point. I'm just trying to hold on, and be strong for my son.

Part of me is wondering if I should just let him go...you know the phrase about if you set it free and it comes back it's yours forever...blah, blah. But the other part wants to fight for this...but I can't keep doing it alone...it hurts too bad, and I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just start moving on with my life. Anger hurts less than sadness.

My only piece of advice for you (which I gave to him last night), is to try not to be distant with her. Some days I think we're connecting and he really wants to try to make this work, and the next he's hiding from me and is complertely distant and cold. I guess this goes along with his unsure feelings, but when he acts distant, I think he thinks it's over and he's just going through the motions to say he tried. So, he said he'd try to be less distant, and I said I'll try to stop pressuring him.

I'm staying at my parents today/tonight (boy won't it be fun to tell them about all this...they've been happily married for 48 years). Hopefully being away from the house will give me some strength to keep trying, or some insight at least.

Oh, BTW I asked him again about the emotional affair thing, and he swears that's not the case...there's no one else. I'm going to believe him and drop the subject...I just hope I'm not being naive.

Anyway, thanks again for listening (reading).