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#63287 07/20/04 12:28 AM
Joined: Jul 2004
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Hello everyone,

I'm new here and have read some VERY interesting topics, so I decided to jump in. My wife of 2.5 years are highschool sweethearts. We were together for 7 before marriage. We also have a beautiful 14 mo. boy and 2 dogs. We also have my sister-in-law (2yrs younger) living with us due to financial hardships with her. We both work full time and depend A LOT on family for babysitting. My mom does most of it and that causes problems too. I'm sure you can imagine your mother trying to tell you how to raise you kid and tell you things your doing wrong. Her mother is also close by and visits quite frequently. Her parents were divored after 30yrs of marriage and he is now remarried. It was his decision and waited until all the kids were over 18 before he made his move. But he always confided in my wife what his plans were before she was even 10! And she is the 3rd of 4.

Anyway our problem have been from the begining. We had about a 2yr engagement before we (I) set a date that caused numerous problem and she even got physical (not sexual I'm told) with OM, which as soon as she introdued me to him I knew. He even had the same name!! After we were married we moved in with my parents (I know not smart) do to financial problems. Durring that time my wife avoided coming home at all cost. She went out with friends and co-workers almost nightly. She also played a lot of sports with them a good distance away. We were both going to school (the same one). Within 3 mo. we had and appartment. Well before our 1st year she did it again. I still don't know who or what really happened. Shortly after she got pregnant (It's mine) and we moved into our house now. We are doing fairly well financial but are working on a huge credit debt (which causes problems as you can guess)

This brings me to date I guess. Which it seems we still have the same problems. My problem with her is she spends too much time with her friends without me. Right now she plays sports one night a week (down from 2-3) year round. She also goes out with her friends at least one weekend a month. Also usually 4-5 weekdays a month. After every sporting even or when she goes out they go drinking and she doesn't come home until late. 2-3am on the weekends and 12-1 on weeknights.

Everytime I confront her about it or try to call her when she's out it's the same story. "I lost track of time/ didn't hear the phone" She is very outgoing and has lots of friens that account for part of it. But it's been discussed before that she can't say no to her friends and I think it's my nickname sometimes.

On the other hand I rarely go out with my friends. When I do it's never that late.

I also feel that I do the majority of the house work. I take care of all the bills, 95% of laundry, all outside stuff(lawn, dogs), 60% of cleaning and 1/2 the cooking. She takes care of the baby mostly. Which is partly because of her flexible work schedule. And the fact I do everything else.

A few months ago we talked about "chores" and her biggest complaint is "I don't take care of the baby enough" We aggred that we'd try to help eachother out so we do more of the other things to do.

My other biggest complaint is that when my wife and her sister come home they sit infront of the TV until 11. I rarely watch TV and this realy buggs me. They sit ther watching their soaps and american idol with the baby while I do everything else.

Last night we had another conversation that sparked this novel. Last thursday she went to her sports event @ 6. I called her and left 3 messages. She called me 11 and said they go to drinking and would be home in a 30-45min. At midnight I called her again she said she was on her way and would be home soon. She finaly showed up at 12:20. I confronted her when she got home and she sais she stayed out because she didn't have to work the next day.

So last night we were talking about "problems". I said she's afraid of taking marriage to seriously because of what happened to her parents. She said we keep going in circles and nothing changes. She also mentioned counseling. I asked if she has been faithful. She said yes and wanted to know what kind of question was that. I said with your track record it's warranted.

So I don't know what to do? From some post I read it sounds like she could be cheating. I don't know. She's been distant and unhappy for about the last 8 mo.

She's aggreed that I'm helping out with the baby more and that's good. We had talked about another baby, but she doesn't want to because she doesn't know where we are going. I do agree but I think if we are having another it should happen soon.

We both still love eachother very much. I believe she is my soulmate and I can't imagine life without her.

Sorry this is soooo long. It just started coming out.

I welcome all coments and questions.

#63288 07/21/04 02:37 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
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You sound like you are really trying, and I am no expert but I would suggest you take your wife's offer of counseling up. Counselers can keep your conversations focused and stop the beating around the bush

You also said you guys are high school sweethearts could it be that your wife missed out on her social life while she was in high school and now she is trying to make up for it?

I know with my boyfriend we have to schedule a day for us alone and a day we can hang out with friends we both like. For us that meant finding some new friends.

Good luck! [Smile]

#63289 07/22/04 06:47 AM
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Thanks for reading my rambling book. I am trying very hard. Last night we had our first session it went well and shows promise. I've always viewed counseling as the last resort. I just find it hard that we are at that point. Your suggestion of making a day is what we have to do, I just don't like it. I feel I shouldn't have to. I can also see making some new friends helping out.

#63290 07/26/04 01:18 PM
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From my readings of Dr Harley's literature, it says that husband and wife should spend 15 hours per week of together time (just the 2 of them), doing recreational/social/talking, etc. stuff. Also, he says that the spouses should agree on friends and activities. Maybe if you guys read all in the info on the site and then discuss it togehter, it would help to some degree. Trouble starts when one spouse is out late drinking alone or with other people (sounds like too much drinking anyway!) - ask me how I know this. Do you agree & can you talk to your wife about it?

#63291 07/26/04 01:19 PM
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From my readings of Dr Harley's literature, it says that husband and wife should spend 15 hours per week of together time (just the 2 of them), doing recreational/social/talking, etc. stuff. Also, he says that the spouses should agree on friends and activities. Maybe if you guys read all in the info on the site and then discuss it togehter, it would help to some degree. Trouble starts when one spouse is out late drinking alone or with other people (sounds like too much drinking anyway!) - ask me how I know this. Do you agree & can you talk to your wife about it?


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