Hello I am new to this site and would like to post a situation in my marriage: My husband of 16 yrs has been employed off and on throughout the marriage, at this time he has ben unemployed for 2 yr and 4 months. Mind you, he does have some health issues- especially his back, but does not desire to have surgery. I spoke with him this passed May and gave him an ultimatum to honestly seek for FULL TIME employment and be EMPLOYED by the 12/31/04 if he wished to continue to stay in this marriage. Mind you, I work full time and part time also attend school. Thank God we have only one son who turned 15 yrs old this yr. My husband has certainly been in the RED with my major emotional need of security and provision as a helpmate. I certainly did not make any demands on him when we married, in fact I had reservations when we married- we were considering marriage and I became pregnant at 29 yr old and he was 33 yrs old when we married. I met my husband in college - we were good friends only- he expressed no intentions of desiring to court me during college - strictly platonic relationship. In fact, I have been married before and he knew my first husband while we were in college. I met back up with my husband while I was getting over another relationship after I had divorced my first husband.He met my emotional needs at the time of being someone who I knew and felt safe with- who would not take advantage of me or hurt me. I never thought about the fact that when I met back up with him he was unemployed at the time and that he would NOT be a consistant provider. My first husband and present husband both- college graduates- both unable to keep or maintain a job. But at least my previous husband would get back up and look for employment. My current husband has to be coaxed into looking for a job. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel hurt and dissappointed in my husband because I feel that he is inadvertenly using me - since he KNOWS I will work and I have been able to continue to take care of everything- he has not taken the steps which most people unemployed would take to actively search for employment. Remember, I have taken care of all the bills with my income only for the last 2 yrs and 4 mothns- we both have college degrees- he now has turned 50 yrs old in August. I am determined I will not continue to support this man- Also, I must confess that I have turned to a male friend who I have known for over 20 yrs- and told him about my personal issues of my marriage; He too, has been married for 34 yrs and is very dissatisfied with his marriage, however, he is committed to stay in the marriage because of fear that he would lose his home and everything he has worked so hard for.I have always been very fond of this friend of mine , who by the way has been a professional mentor and provided me with professional advise and references for many positions I have applied for; He is a Christian man and I have found myself drawn to him emotionally- but I can see from reading the material by the author of this site how an affair could happen if I were to allow myself to follow my heart and feelings or emotions. I thank God that he is in my life at this time because I have been so bitter and angry with my husband that I may have left by now if he had not encouraged me to talk to him and express my concerns. So I have done just that- since May, he has just begun to search for a job. I have also offered to complete employment applications and help him any way I can- but I do expect him to have a job by the end of the year or else I have decided to seek a legal separation. I am tired of being used and taken advantage of in this situation. We also went to a marriage conference this past August- so maybe it helped since he has shown me some signs that he is willing to actively pursue employment. I have lost any desire for him emotionally. My hope now for my marriage is to continue based on the fact that I made a committment or promise to God first and then him to stay married. Also, my husband and I have not been sexually intimate in the last 2 yrs- I guess maybe he feels depressed or low libido or self-esteem since he is not performing his responsibility as a man should financially. I have lost interest or desire-since I feel like a single parent taking care of 2 children. I still respect my husband as a friend but have lost any desire to be with him sexually. All I can think of is if I were to get pregnant again- ( which by the way I had my tubes tied when I turned 40 I will be 46 in December).As you might can tell I have thought about this for quite some time and I am no longer emotionally upset or angry or bitter as I have been in the past. Anybody been where I have been where the man refuses to work? Also, is my ultimatum too harsh? I have had people from other forums state that it is me that needs to change my attitude and pray, fast, etc. Which by the way I have prayed, fasted, been to conferences, but still feel that my needs financially and emotionally are not being met with this man. I mean, I can get over the emotional needs- but the financial needs- are about living and having a place to stay , and what do I need a man for that is unwilling to do his part in providing for our finanacial needs? We have been through bankruptcy before- of course I paid every penney of it- I will not go through it again- If I do , I will be alone. I belive marriage is two people willing to work on issues together- not one person working and the other person taking or unwilling to perform his role or responsibilities.

Somehow after reading the first part of your post, I knew there was another man in the picture. Please get some counseling with your husband, and work this out.

Don't talk to the other man anymore about your problems.

You've been married to this man for a very long time and certainly know what you can and can't expect from him now and in the future. Giving him an ultimatim may get him to find a job by the deadline but even if he does find work by then, will that fix your marital problems? Will you then be satisfied and happy and want to continue staying in this marriage and work on your other issues? You mentioned other problems in the marriage and that you've sought help to no avail (although there are many other theraist that may BE helpful) so the quesitons are, what really can you accept in your relationship, what will keep you happy and what if anything can you do or change within yourself to create a better relationship with your husband if you want to stay in the marriage? Those are questions only you can answer and ones that should be thought out between you and yourself or with a professional counselor and not with some other man with whom you are emotionally drawn to, no matter how kind and helpful he has been to you in other areas of your life. IMO sharing the woes of your marraige or seeking advice from another man who is also sharing his insecure marital woes with you is like having the blind lead the blind, even if he tells you he is not about to leave his wife and that he has your best interests at heart. Continuing intimate conversations with him can distort your thinking about your own life and future.

nancyleeh

Well, aside from the advice not to seek solace in another man, WHAT do you advise?? My husband has also been out of work for 2 years. I work full time.

In thinking about what Dr. Harley says, maybe I am not making enough LOVE deposits?? That makes me angry. I try hard to please him, but end up feeling used. It feels like it does no good to give give give until I have no more to give.

It feels like I am being taken advantage of. Trying to look at things from HIS point of view. I am jealous, yes, because I would love to be able to stay home. My job is stressful.

Reuben, I feel for you, because I don't know what to tell you, I don't know what to tell myself. I sure don't know what to do. I came here looking for some kind of answer, and then saw what they told you. Of COURSE you are looking elsewhere, although not necessarily consciously... been there. It is hard NOT to when they are there offering sympathy and feeding those emotional needs that have gone unfed. However, you don't sound like you have given up totally; and as hard as it sounds, you DO need to turn away from the Other Guy if you want your marriage to survive...

Here's what I am thinking for ME:
I printed out the emotional needs questionaire, and I'm going to ask DH to look at it, fill it out, and maybe we can at least talk about it.

Anyone willing to dive into this subject, and not offer condemnation but sympathy and some ideas? At the very least, pray for Reuben, pray for me.

parsec

<small>[ September 26, 2004, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: parsec ]</small>