Sit back and enjoy...

My wife and I married on April the 29th, 2004. I love her very much and have never been so happy. But there's one problem and one problem only... she smokes pot. I have nobody to turn to.

I'll first go into my standpoint on the issue. Yes, I have smoked pot myself when younger... but I have now have a strong dislike for it. The few times times I've tried it I would have a negative experience. I also associate the use of the drug with losers/idiots because of certain people I grew up with that did it. It illegal and not something I want to deal with.

I knew off the bat that my wife smoked... but she told me it was a once in a blue moon thing (which it was). And I'll be honest, I thought I could change her because how adimant I am about not smoking. She didn't smoke at all in the first part of our relationship.

Now I'll go into her background. She lived on the other side of the country and dabbled in drugs for a while. She had a bad relationship and she moved with her dad when he was transfered here. When she moved here she was very depressed and hung out with pot smokers and drinkers. So her few friends that she does have here are frequent pot smokers. Actually now, she has 2 friends here... and they're both hellacious smokers.

She didn't smoke at all for a long time, but this was probably because we spent every waking second with each other. I voiced how much I disliked it and she told me she wasn't going to do it anymore. Everything was bliss and I felt like I had it all. Well, I still do... my wife is the greatest things that's every happened to me. I just wish the smoking would cease.

One day she came home and her eyes were red. She had gone to her friend's house and had gotten high. I was very upset, but I love my wife so much that I later made it seem like I was in the wrong... but I was still furious inside. This happened maybe 2 more times over the span of a few months. Every time it would hurt really bad and we would be akward for about a day. We've never been in a real fight since we've met... but have had a small handful of disagreements. Most all of those disgreements were about marijuana.

After voicing how much I disliked it... she said she would stop. And as kind of a "deal" I agreed to pay for a tattoo that she always wanted in exchange for her not to smoke again. Well, it worked for a little while. She came home again from her same friend and was high. This time I was furious and we didn't speak for about a day. But again, I made myself into the bad guy. She speaks her point and makes it seem like it's not a bad thing. She never talks me down at all... I (me, myself, and I) make everything seem like it's my fault. All she does is mention how it doesn't hurt her and it's something she likes.

My wife likes smoking. She says it's something that she enjoys and it makes her happy and feel good. I want her to be happy because I love her. But I absolutely hate that damn drug (or any for that matter but pot especially). She doesn't have much here besides me and her two friends. Her dad just recently moved back to her home town and is many miles away. I guess pot is kind of her "outlet".

So with that said... I'll tell you about present day.

To see her side of things, I've smoked with her twice... even though I really really didn't want to. I hated both times, one of those times being a very visual and disturbing high that almost made me cry. So being in her shoes didn't help and I vouched never to touch the stuff again... even if it's to see eye to eye with my wife. She told me after this that she would try to stop smoking again. Well, one night she was going to her other friend's house and she promised not to smoke. Well... you can guess the outcome of that. When I found out she smoked I flipped out and yelled at her the one and only time in our relationship. Again we didn't talk for about a day. I felt bad for yelling and never should have done that. We started talking about the situation more and more and trying to negotiate.

I told her I would learn to deal with her smoking ONLY if it was done in moderation and not often. I've actually been very good about this. We've gone to her friends house and she would smoke, but I would throw out my face of disgust and act normal. I can actually put everything behind me when it's once in a blue moon (maybe once a month).

Recently her friend actually gave her some pot... and a fair amount of it. It made me pretty upset that she was actually bringing it into our house now. Not only that... as of 4 days ago she smokes it in the house. She gets up against the stove and turns on the overhead fan and smokes. She's also done this 4 DAYS IN A ROW as well.

Now the reason I'm getting upset about this is that we had a deal that the smoking would be sparse. That and the fact that I come home from work and my house smells like pot. She doesn't smoke when I'm not here and is sure to tell me before doing it. I make it known that I disapprove of what she's doing... but I don't want to fight about it and I want her to be happy. But then again, I'm very unhappy about this one problem.

I love my wife and I have no plans to ever divorce her. The word divorce doesn't even belong in my vocabulary. But we really need to work through this and I don't know what to do. We've tried negotating... but she likes smoking so much that most all promises get broken. Other than this one problem we have the perfect marriage. We love spending time with each other, can talk for hours, can work problems out in 24 hours or less, and we communicate very good. We have so much in common and she is my best friend and I would die without her. She is so sweet and is the most vital part of me.

But when we come across this issue of smoking pot, it really hurts. I only had a few friends around here and the last of them just moved away last Thursday... so I have nobody to talk to.

I really want to work past this problem and I want to be able to come to some sort of compromise... but it's difficult. My wife does not think she should compromise because she doesn't attempt to make me stop things that I do like she dislikes (which is true). Though my little quirks and as severe as smoking pot, it is only fair. But then again it's not.

I'm going to stop now and allow some time for responses and can build on this as we go along.

Any advice is much obliged.

This is hard because you knew she smoked pot before you married and I'm sure she is going to use that fact to the hilt. She probably won't quit unless she wants to quit no matter how much you dislike her smoking or how many deals you make for her to cut back etc. But IMO she is stepping over the boundaries of the relationship by smoking and having the drug in the house.

Her body is hers, but the house belongs to both of you. You can't make her stop, but you can define your own boundaries and tell her absolutely no drugs in the house, period. Hey, it's an illegal drug and you do not need to be an accomplice to drug use or having it in your home, so there isn't any compromising there.

If you want to take it a step further, refuse to be around her when she is smoking, be it alone or with friends. That's a personal choice you can make.

nancyleeh

I feel for you. I am in the same situation. My husband smokes weed on a regular basis. I knew he did it when we got married, but he had gotten so into church and God that he stopped. I was happy. But now since he hasn't been to church and doesn't have a relationship with God he is back smoking. The bad thing is that I work for the police dept!!!!!!!!!!!! And he doesn't even care. He doesn't smoke around the house, but even when he go sits in the park to smoke I get upset. But I have learned not to badger him about it. I feel the same way you do. I think weed is for teenagers, not a 33 year old man.

But I just have learned not to comment about it and I pray all the time for him to grow out of this. I would hate for anything bad to happen while he's under the influence. The bad thing is that he tried to get me to smoke it saying the sex would be better. I told him if the sex can't be good sober than it's just not going to be good. Plus we get tested for drugs at work. He's self employed so he doesn't have to worry about that.

I hate it. But you have to make up in your mind that you can't change a person, a person has got to want to change themself. Don't nag about it, because that will make her want to take a hit more. If you have a prayer life, then pray.

But we can't change people. Considering the fact that my husband smokes weed and enjoys porno, he is a pretty decent husband. But I hate the weed smoking.

So I hope everything works out for you. And hang in there.

Let me be honest with you. I've recently quit smoking. I smoked for about 15 years and was taking down an ounce a week at the end.

Your wife will no quit until she's ready. Most people never develop a problem with pot and it never affects their life, so they never quit. (I was one of the rare ones who did have problems develop from my marijuana use)

You probably wont make her quit. That's a fact. You're a lot better off having her smoke atyour house, where you are around. Would you send you're wife off to the bars to drink alone? same thing.

If she's going to do it, and you can't stop it, make sure she's doing it at home when you're around.

I can understand what you are feeling and I agree with the other responses. She will not stop until she is ready. I smoked for years daily. I too loved the way it made me feel. But it made me stupid. It caused me to continue in a 14Y EA which I am now in recovery. Use caution I feel it is an escape from something deeper. It makes you more depressed although at the time makes you think you feel better. Its a tough spot to be in.The desire for the drug is stronger than you think it can be. For me it is a daily struggle not to smoke. Pray that God will take the desire to smoke away from your wife. It can happen.