A month ago I found out about my 25-year old wife of 15 months having an affair while on vacation in her home country (she's now back in the US).

I confronted her with a Plan A/Plan B strategy. She agreed to Plan A. The separation with the other guy is absolute (6,000 miles apart), I monitor her email and phone conversations. I also spoke with the other guy, and am confident now he won't be a problem again. So far, things are progressing well.

Now, to complicate things, my wife just got a job offer of her young life, and even I can see it as a one-of-a-kind opportunity for her career. Problem is, this job will move her to the East Coast (we're on the West Coast right now) for about a year, so our marriage will become a long-distance relationship for several months (I can't move there because of my job and certain support obligations to my parents). We have no kids, though.

I see this as a major deal-breaker for Plan A, even though technically it has nothing to do with the affair. I need her here, supporting me, my parents (my mother, who lives locally, has been recently diagnosed with cancer), and working on restoring our marriage per Plan A she agreed to. To me, sacrificing her once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity is the price she has to pay for breaking my trust by having an affair.

To her, I imagine, I am seen as an angry, controlling husband who has no regard for her career aspirations and her need for an independent identity. She's lost her parents at an early age, so the whole issue of support obligations to MY parents is difficult for her to deal with. She's friendly with my Mom, but probably doesn't see herself obligated to stick around and see the cancer saga through.

As for the move to another city, my wife says she loves me, and will make every effort to maintain the relationship. She points to the fact that we had a long-distance romance for about a year, and it was the most intense love story (I actually agree). She says she needs this high-profile assignment on her resume, as her initially promising career took a dive after she abandoned everything and came to the US with me (somewhat true). Since she would be getting a significant income boost, she promised to funnel excess funds towards my Mom’s medical bills.

However, after her recent affair, I have major trust issues about allowing my wife to take a job in a city 2,000 miles away, even though there’s no chance the other guy will ever try to join her there. So…if she decides to accept this job offer, I want to push Plan B right away and also file for a legal separation. I am not prepared to go the divorce route right now, given all other things happening in my life.

However, should we work out our problems and stay together, I am concerned about the lifetime of resentment I can bring upon myself by forcing her to abandon her dream job. I don’t want to be blamed forever for failures she will inevitably connect to not having this opportunity available to her.

How do I negotiate an acceptable compromise here? Does all this sound logical to you, or am I being too extreme? We’ve been to a marriage counselor, and she did state some concerns about my wife feeling totally dominated due to our recent move to the US, cultural adjustment issues, disparity in career, social status, etc. And, of course, as all victimized spouses, I want to be fair, but don’t feel I have to bend over backwards.

Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.

You've gotta let her go.

Do what you need to do from your end to ensure you are feeling right about the whole thing, but she absolutely needs to do this. You have to understand that if you are the reason why she didn't, she will blame you for the rest of life. She will blame you, and your kids, and if you do end up in divorce anyway at the end of the day, she will blame you for her slimmer career opportunities on her own. And you need to decide if you can hang in ther when she is gone. If you can't, she has a choice: She decides between you and the career. Then if she CHOOSES to stay she can't blame you later.
Not a great solution but just my thoughts on the matter, having given up my career for my love and still dealing with being mad about it.

IMHO -- Let her go. She will never forgive you if you don't. Twenty-five is still quite young to be giving up a great career opportunity if she really wants it. I don't mean to be harsh but the mere fact that she had an affair while on 'leave' in her home country means something about her marriage. It may have little to do with you per se, more to do with her own needs at this stage in her life.

Personally, I could never have been married at 25, I was way too busy being me.

CM - I read your post on one of the other forums about giving up your career. I don't know your whole story but I do know that any man who made me chose between 'myself' (read my career) and my children would not be my H for long. I've had a career for 30 years and raised 4 wonderful kids. Was it hard? You bet it was. Did it take juggling and hard work and sacrifice? Yes. But I thank God every day I have my career becasue it MEANS something to who I am today (I am 53). It has helped to define me and I would resent (and quite frankly reject) any man who insisted I deny that part of me.

TheChristyMinstrel and RosiePieSix, thanks for advice.

Your point(s) is well taken. I have a question, though.

How do I deal with my own resentment? Not only over the affair, but also over her leaving me in my hour of need. You say she will never forgive me if I don't let her go...but how do I forgive her if I do and she does leave? Whatever we do, it is bound to be remembered for a lifetime.

Any ideas are greatly appreciated.

TheChristyMinstrel, I have a question for you.

Just read your other post about giving up career for love, etc.

What weight does the affair have in this equation? I assume there has to be a compensation to the victimized spouse, do you not agree? Leaving for a career opportunity when trust is not re-built, there's a real need for physical presence and work on the relationship -- is it realistic for my wife to not expect major consequences for her actions? I assume infidelity was not a part of your situation.

I answered you on the other board...but I wanted to talk about this in terms of negotiating this issue.

You begin by making the negotiations safe. That means you have a plan for keeping lovebusting out of it...and you know ahead of time what will happen if someone feels unsafe...judged, shamed, yelled at, intimidated etc.

Then you each present your feelings about this issue making it about how YOU feel...using feeling statements that are like this: I feel_________about _______. They should be "I" not "you" statements.

Next...you brainstorm solutions and look for agreements that take both of your feelings into account. Obviously this is much harder since you already feel trust is compromised.

What I think I'm hearing from you is that "IF your wife leaves you, after she's cheated, and while your mother is sick...you will consider that abandonment and will end the marriage." That's a reasonable boundary, but it isn't a negotiation. I also get the sense....that by cheating your wife was trying to tell you this: "I feel neglected and lonely. I am isolated and experiencing culture shock. My only joy is my job. The idea that I have nothing to look forward to besides caring for your mother who is dying of cancer is very scary for me. Now I have this job opportunity, so on top of how bad I was feeling before the A, the shame of you finding out...now I have to pass up this great opportunity too! I'm ready to walk away if you tell me I can't."

Please consider the the "travel" negotiation I suggested, because I have a feeling this is a deal breaker for BOTH of you.

Your situation is so difficult. But I agree that it has to be her choice. If she goes, do what you can to work on your marriage. It may be hard but you may surprise yourself. Weirder things have happened. If that doesn't work for you, then you can end it in good conscious because you know you gave it your best shot and tried your best to meet her needs.

Will she be back in a year? Can she use the extra money she'll be earning to fly home or fly you there every weekend?

Look on the bright side, at least you don't have kids to think about. If I were you, I'd be VERY careful in that regard for at least a year after you are back together in the same city, house.

Just my totally ignorant opinion.

I am smiling as I write this ...should I?

So I decided to show my beloved, as KTulu wrote, "the Attractive Package of Being Married to Me". Today is an anniversary of our romantic meeting overseas, so I reckoned I'd go for a romantic getaway. Meet some ENs, dissolve some LBs, relax, have fun, etc.

Asked my wife whether she was working today, received a quite intrigued "no, what are you up to?" response, went into the planning mode. Booked a bed & breakfast one-night package at a 5-star resort, complete with an oversize Jacuzzi, dazzling mountain/city lights view, big-screen TV, room service to die for, etc. Made reservations for dinner at a snobby restaurant there, invited my wife to join me for a sunset dinner (kept everything else hush-hush in order to surprise her). Everything else in the package was perfect: a thoughtful gift, a romantic card, showered at work, nice suit, the works!

Lights, camera, action!

I show up at the resort restaurant, my wife is already there, waiting for me (this happens once in a century). I look handsome, and she seems distraught. She goes to the restroom, and I stuff the gift and the card into her handbag. She comes back, we sit down, order some food. She opens the handbag, finds the gift, reads the card, smiles. I toast our marriage and start talking about my great getaway TONIGHT idea. She stops me right there by explaining that her TV network called in the morning and asked for a last-minute US election coverage story, and, even though she told them she'd take the day off, she just couldn't say no. So, she'd have dinner with me and then go to work in order to get a story out by 1 am (in time for am broadcast in her home country). "Thanks, darling, I'll be back very late and see you in the morning."

I sit there absolutely dumbfounded. Then I calmly try to explain the great significance of this particular day in our history and why I really wanted to spend the evening with her. In fact, I pissed off my very new boss by walking out of an executive meeting in order to get to my dinner date on time. She gets very defensive and says, "look, I am not a big shot at work, like you are, and people like me cannot afford to say no to high-profile assignments like this one".

When confronted with unpleasantries, I don't get angry, I get pensive. My wife calls this my "mafia don look". So, having detected the look, she tells me she is now upset that I am upset, so it's time to leave. She borrows my notebook computer and drives off to finish her story. I go home after finding out the resort would not return a penny for the honeymoon suite I rented. Congratulations, I just spent about a grand for a tasty small meal!

I get home to see she left it an absolute pig sty when she rushed off in the morning -- dirty dishes and her clothes everywhere! Further, I figure we'll owe about $20 in late fees because she didn't return Blockbuster DVDs (she promised me she would). For whatever reason, this pisses me off more than the honeymoon suite $$ hit. I wonder why.

Then I sit down and start laughing.

Are you having fun reading this?

Hi 1Coolguy responded to your over on Plan A thread check it out.