Hi there,

I just registered and decided to take a look at this board. I've been to Marriage Builders a couple times in the past year after discovering my husband had an intense emotional affair, as far as I know, last August through this March. I was devastated and shocked. Somehow I found my way here and I've found this site to be helpful but I am still struggling to move forward in my marriage. I feel like a yo yo, and I know my husband doesn't know which end is up anymore. Join the crowd. I thought perhaps I could find some strength and direction here, and in the meantime, could lend some support to others in need.

I'm not sure how this all works so bear with me, and fill me in on what I should know. Thanks.

Hi There! My first husband had a "few" affairs and it is so difficult. I can imagine how your feeling because I've been there. I guess the question is, "Do you want to stay in the marriage?" I came to find out that trust is the biggest issue. Have you thought about counseling together? I so feel for you because its just a trememdous heartbreak.

Thanks for your reply Mom69! I'm pretty confused on the board here. It's like a maze. I haven't figured it all out yet. Took me about 20 mins to find my first and only post! Any tips?

To answer your questions, Yes, we both want to stay in the marriage. And another Yes, we did go to counseling but it was short lived. I was open to it, but my husband is not a believer in this type of treatment, was very skeptical and resistant. The first woman we went to see was connected to the employee health services where I work. She was wonderful and agreed to have my husband come in, too, which is unusual. Unfortunately, it allows you only up to 5 visits. She allowed 10. We tried another woman whom neither of us felt comfortable with and then changed to a male psychologist whom came highly recommended. He was very nice and I could tell he would do good work with us but my husband dug his heels in. I even caught him telling lies to the counselor so what good was that doing? During this time, we sold our old house, bought a new house and moved to a new area, about 30-40 mins away. Frankly, the counseling took a back seat.

My husband's way of dealing with any difficult issues is to stick his head in the sand, pretend it didn't occur, isn't real, and to only look forward. Now, I can understand to a certain extent about looking to the future and not dwelling on the past, BUT.... I think this is where I get stuck. I really don't know everything that happened. He has told me so many lies or smeared facts, face to face, my intuition says there is much more to the story. And it was my intutition that wouldn't let go of me, and eventually I discovered what I feared and had asked him about repeatedly. The unknown hangs over my head like a black cloud. I feel obsessed almost. So many things provoke a painful memory, often so unexpectedly, it and cuts me deep the the core. I see her face, and it haunts me, and taunts me, even in my dreams. He tries to show support but as soon as I mention why I am upset, he clams up, gets aggrevated, says "Stop", and will often just walk away.

I know this makes him sound like a creep. Just rereading it makes me cringe. But he's not. Maybe that's why it is that much more painful to me. I know he loves me deeply, and I him. We had a relationship that I thought was solid. It was not perfect and there were ongoing issues but never once would I have believed that another woman would be involved. People frequently teased us that even after 10 years of marriage, we acted like teenagers together. Sicky Sweet kind of stuff. lol But both of us have been married before and I thought we both appreciated what we had found in one another, and could weed out the petty stuff that isn't really worth precious time.

I have considered going back to counseling b/c I think it would do me alot of good, but my husband refuses to accompany me. I think he harbors ALOT of issues that he could benefit from counseling, even if he wanted to go for individual sessions. I know I am enabling him, but frankly, I don't have the energy left to do much more. I feel very empty and alone in this. Hence, why I decided to join this discussion board last night.

I'm so sorry to hear that you have endured several affairs. My goodness. You have stamina. I hate to think someone else has felt the despair that I feel, but I'm thankful that perhaps we can comfort each other and help one another because we understand the situation each of us is in.

What brought you to the board? Looks like you are fairly new also.

FYI: My husband has always called me Green Eyes. Since this happened, he says that the light is gone from them. I told him, they are now sad. It was my happiness that made them shine.

Sadgreeneyes,
I am on my second marriage. My first marriage was in the beginning everything I could have hoped for only I found out different a little too late. When my first husband cheated on me I was one of them cases where the wife was the last to know. It made me sick. literally sick. I couldnt eat, sleep or barely function. Looking back it makes me sad to think I let myself get like that but....when you are a woman in love with a man, it is the worst feeling when you know your trust has been damaged or destroyed.
I know the feeling that you felt because I use to stay up all night waiting and walking the floors and I remembered the smell of the outside from the day he left. Sounds crazy I know but the day he finally admitted to it, it had the dewey morning smell and for the longest time I couldnt stand it. I had dreams, nightmares, would wake up crying. I wanted EVERY single detail when he came home. FOR ME BIG MISTAKE! I thought I needed to know! I was wrong because that ate at me more. Everytime I went somewhere that was remotely close to a place they had been I became nauseous. Everytime I heard "Their" song it made me tremble and fall apart. Just let me say sadgreeneyes sometimes too many details isnt good. You think that it is but can you really handle hearing and knowing it??? I wish I had known that then but didnt. Eventually, our marriage just fell apart and we've now been divorced since 98. I remarried in 02 and now I'm in a different situation but I can tell you honestly, that once you've trusted someone and they've broken it, its hard to ever get it back.
I believe that problems and affairs CAN be worked through. I just believe it takes ALOT of willpower on both sides. It has to be something you both are willing to put into it.
The reason I am on this board is because my husband isnt emotionally there for me at all. I moved 500 miles when we got married to be here with him. See, his son is here and is 12 and he wants to be next him and be there. So, my two children and I came here. My father passed away on Sept 9th, of this year. I made it home on the 6th to see him and stayed with him until he passed. I then chose to stay back home with my mom to help her handle the funeral, insurance, etc....I ended up staying there a month. Evidently, to long for my husband. The whole time I was there every phone conversation was a fight as to why I was there and not home with him. Anyway, to make a long story short. I was working a part-time job and stayed too long so they filled my position. My husband blames me now for the financial part because of course he says we need the extra income. Which in his defense we do but with my father passing money didnt mean anything to me. My husband is pretty cold, he tends to ignore things and to him he doesnt get the devastation that my father passing has caused me. In fact, most evenings I cant sleep so here I am on the computer.
Anyway, I could right a book! LOL
Just know that anytime you'd like to talk I'm willing to listen or I guess read!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
I know how you feel because I've been there!
The part about you going to counseling by yourself might be good because at least then you can get it off your chest and also say Whatever you want to say! It may make YOU feel better and right now thats what you need.
Take care!
Shan

Shannon,

Good to see your post. Sad knowing that you are up nights with insomnia. Besides all the things swirling around in your head, and heart, it throws off your whole biorhythm. Tell me, are you at home with your husband now or are you still with your mom? I was disturbed by your husband's insensitivity to your deep loss. (BTW, my sincere condolences) How disappointing to expect support and understanding at such a difficult time only to get more grief. Certainly, the financial issues are stressful, but blaming you is just not right. I find it terrible that your job was given away like that. Anyway, you can get another job. What I hear is what you first said.... your husband isn't being supportive, especially when you needed him most.

So, what are you going to do? He doesn't sound like a "therapy" kind of guy either. Are there other issues as well? Do you want to continue this marriage?

Thanks for your comments on my situation, and sharing of your personal experience. I know that I would endure more pain if I knew more, but I do want to know. Some kind of morbid curiosity. I guess part of it is that I wish he were able to stand up to the plate, take responsibility, and come clean so there aren't anymore little things discovered. It seemed to damage me more when I was more or less forced into finding out the discrepancies. For example: I kept seeing a number show on his cell phone, and it was only ONE number off from his number. I thought, how odd is that? DUH! I asked him about it and he schmoozed his way around it. Of course, it stuck in my mind, resurfacing from time to time. Finally, after months, one morning, out of the blue, I decided to call it. Should I bother saying that "she" answered? I asked if my husband was there.... she said no and hung up on me. She immediately called him. Of course, he and I were on the phone shortly thereafter with a blowout.

So... I saw the number. Asked about the number several times. Believed it couldn't possibly be anything illicit. And still, he let me continue down the path until I hit the brick wall head on. I find that to be so hurtful.... him knowing and not trying to protect me, when he already knew he had hurt me so deeply.

May as well finish this part of the story.... after discovering the cell number was hers, he explained that he had gone to Cingular to get my daughter a cell phone, and since this other person was working with him, she had come along and thought it would be "cute" to have a cell with one number off from his. ????? I didn't buy it, of course. I told him it would have been "cute" if her number was one off from HER husband's cell number, not MY husband's. You see, I still didn't understand. He is the one who has obtained our cell phones and dealt with Cingular. I didn't know THEN that when you add someone to your "family plan" they provide you with a linking number. Here I go again.... head on..... crash, bang, boom.

I finally broke the code for his account online and found "her" to be under his plan. I also now had a visual of all the activity of the past month, hers and his. I printed it all out and headed down to a have a chat with my hubby. Now, he had no recourse. I had proof in my hands... even highlighted for extra effect. The amount of yellow was overwhelming and made me feel sick. I looked at the amount of minutes and got angry. I could hardly get him to stay on the phone for two mins and here he is gabbing away with her. ARGH! We both cried and cried and cried that day.

Took some time, but I also figured out how to download all the old bills since the summer. I was devastated to see ALLLLL the calls, and something new to me.... all the TEXT Messages!!! Since our problem surfaced in August, peaked in November, and this was now March, I had a lot to peruse. And by the time I was done, I was like a piece of Swiss cheese! I had been stabbed so many times with the new information I had... because it showed that even after our confrontation with proof of his emotional affair, he continued to lie and deceive me, albeit his involvement with her drastically changed and declined. Still, she still had the cell, and still contacted each other here and there.

Again, a confrontation with the latest and greatest information..... His new story was that he thought I already knew about all that because I presented him with the copy of the current month's billing, and thought I had seen it all. ???????? Wouldn't I have mentioned it if I had? [long sigh] I was so drained by this point. I did have enough energy left to send "her" my own text message. That was her last text message. My husband immediately went to Cingular and cancelled service. !!!!!!!

He saw her for the last time on St. Patrick's day, a week later. I was working, and he went to meet up with her husband. He told me that he was sitting with him when she showed up and sat down beside my husband. [why not her own husband???] He says he got a bit flustered, stood up, and left without a word. Lies? Truth? I hardly can tell the difference anymore.

Strange as I look at all this.... I've started from the end and moved backwards somewhat. Oh well. This was meant just to give an example of my husband knowing that I was uncovering things and let me take a harder hit by not being honest and forthright, even when asked. That really bothers me. I understand that I am responsible for my own actions. But I guess I do expect his protection when possible, and certainly I expected truth.

I guess I should end this extended post now. Droned on and on. I apologize for that. Hope you muddled through it okay.

Thanks for listening, Shannon. I appreciate it. You sound like a lovely, caring, bright person. I hope things work out better for you soon. Talk to you again..... SGE