hello my wife and i have been married 17 years we get along great we are best freinds but in the bedroom i do all the work i do the foreplay on her i do the oral things to her she likes but when it comes to me i get no foreplay i get no oral satisfaction at all and if i try to explain how i feel to her it turns into an aargument with her saying she just is not going to do it i am getting bored planning all the romantic evenings and always initiating sex.
i feel if i perform what she likes she should return the favor is it wrong to think that way it is starting to bother me terribly as of right now i am seriously considering a seperation over this matter to show how important it is to me .

Has she ever discussed the exact whys?
You should ask her.
AND DON'T SAY ANYTHING!!!
The worst thing you can do is if she does tell you, and you reply with something like
"Well, thats not my fault?" or "I don't mean to make you feel like that,"
It will go all wrong.
Could be an underlying sexual abuse issue from her past. Could be she feels out of control while performing.
Maybe she just finds the taste or smell repulsive. - (and if thats the case, PLEASE don't chastise her for it. And don't take it to personal offense. I'm female and trust me, its not cherry garcia icecream.

Find a way to work with her initiating. Perhaps her imagination jus DOESN't work that way. Maybe she "is" initiating, but if she doesn't get just the perfect response from you that she wanted, she would have no idea where to go from there. And with you not knowing exactly what your response should be....it doesn't work.

Please don't separate. Remember that a womans most sensitive sexual organ is her brain.
Get a couples book, buy some lotion and relax.

Brian, I'd like to recommend www.themarriagebed.com. It's a great site, lots of helpful articles on the main page, and be sure to check out the forums!

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 11:45 PM: Message edited by: Geliebte Frau ]</small>

Brian,

Hang in there! Being on the other end isn't exactly a picnic either. Sounds like you and your wife are in a similar spot to me and my hubby. He's my best buddy... but we've been struggling in the sex department for alot of the same reasons.
I don't know her or her situation... but if she's struggling with the whole "lack of drive" thing or is uncomfortable with or simply doesn't like certain things... (and I certainly agree that it certainly ain't cherry icecream!!)... she is probably feeling a sense of inadequacy as a wife.
Alot of women who are in the same position feel guilty (myself included) that they aren't able to fulfill their husband's sexual needs either in the way or as frequently as he wants.

I'm sure there are many times when my hubby is fed up with me (and believe me... I get fed up with myself as well)... but it's a pretty huge hurdle for some women to overcome.

So I guess I'm asking for patience... understanding... and try to broach it gently.
It probably feels like you've been patient for ever... but it really is difficult being on the other end as well.

And a separation would only serve to break down the friendship that you have outside of the bedroom instead of reinforce your needs.

There are some really good things in the marriagebed website... my hubby was trying some of their pointers for awhile and it helped some.

I don't know how to encourage you other than that though... just hang in there.

Garagegerl

(p.s. it's good to hear your frusterations coming from the other side of the fence... gives me a look into what my DH is up against <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )

Have you had/taken the opportunity to discuss with your wife the emotional needs survey Dr. Harley presents in a couple of places?

...Letting the survey be the guide in the discussion trying to give information "This is me, what is "you"?