My wife hsa developed a pattern of hostile behavior whenever a potentially stressful situation arises. It's gotten worse over time. Now it's every Saturday morning (cleaning day), her mood is good for about 15 minutes when she gets up and then for the next four hours she's cold, snappish, unapproachable and frankly a miserable ***** to be around. It also happens almost every holiday too. Anything that involves a perceived need on her part to sanitize the whole house. It's wearing on me.

Does she know about her bad behavior?

Would it be possible for you two to switch the chores where she does something else (pay bills, cut grass, whatever) while you do the cleaning? You have to decide if you have some flexibility in this area.

Sounds like there's more there than meets the eye.

I know of one case that sounds very similar to yours. Reading on the private forum some months back there was a couple going through some of the same stuff. Dr. Harley told the H to start meeting her needs and as the needs were met some of her behavior would start to change. And he also said that the bad behavior would be easier to address once some of her needs were being met.

Just from past personal experience, a woman usually turns into a miserable ***** when she feels neglected and/or abandoned. When certain needs are met, her whole attitude can change - without anything else even being discussed.

If you really want to know who she is and where she stands, ask her how she feels while she's cleaning the house. Maybe she needs to share that part of your life - maybe she needs support in it. Or maybe there's something else missing.
Fom the fact that she is in a good mood to start with and it turns sour - that means she's had an opportunity to think about how she feels about something in particular and that kicks in to take the place of the good mood she was in to start with.

The more you two learn about each other, the better it can get.

One really good point for you though - you bothered to ask for help. Many men don't even make it that far. Keep up the good work!

Becki

ps. Just remember to keep your cool if the **** starts to hit the fan. Two slinging it around makes things a whole lot messier. Let it fly out the window if you can and hold on to the message behind it.

Hi,
I am very new but I can tell you from experience there is usually a cause. I do not hear your side so not so sure what you are doing or not doing. I just hear dw is being a beep. but nothing on what is causing it other than cleaning or trying hard to get things done.
What are you doing during this time when things need to be done or do you feel nothing needs to be done while she does?
My dh and I have so many problems here also so I feel this issue. I can work so hard at cleaning and getting things done and dh only gets the results and my stress. He calls me like you do .. and saying and I can be when he pushes me enough (but this saying he is "stay at home" dad and I work.. lots more issue not going into)
Husbands don't see that need to get things done and to clean but do see the results. I've been not doing so much lately to get his results and he's turning into the not so nice spouse trying to pick up my slack.,....

Now wouldn't it be nice just to share the work all the time

I was like this! I had to have the house clean before I could actually enjoy myself. It's part of my type A personality trait. My mother was a total slob, I hated it. I admit I overcompensated as I became an adult. But it is true, my stbexh would not help so I would get upset and angry. He refused to even help in the smallest way. I would get overwhelmed by all the work and freak out. His idea of cleaning was moving items to different areas. He refused to ever clean anything but sure could make things dirty. I work full time and had a 2nd job and 2 children under 4 yrs at the time. You bet I became a total b**ch when he wouldn't help me, but could spend hours chatting on the computer!

Ok ok ok... I just feel like I got a really good idea!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Take it or leave it... but if I was her... this is what I would like <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Personally, when I feel like I have to get up and do a bunch of work... I'm also in a really bad mood. Not only do I stay in a bad mood but I usually procrastinate and put it off longer... this prolongs my bad mood.

Anyway, it is true... you aren't telling what you are doing or not doing either... that could really help our understanding.

But, here is my idea. This Saturday, why don't you get up with the notion that the whole day will be yours to spend together! Devote your day (or at least your morning) to helping her out. Even start the day off with Breakfast out... this is my favorite meal out (I call them breakfast dates), maybe she'll enjoy it. I also enjoy cleaning when I have new things to deal with... I know this sounds stupid, but if I got to try out a new cleaner, or picked up a new laundry hamper, I would be more excited to get the chore done. So, after breakfast, drop by Walmart and see if she needs anything for the home...

After that, come home and be her assistant... it is amazing how much fun you can actually have when you have someone to clean with you, talk to you and help you out... it isn't exactly recreation... but it could be... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If money is an object, skip the breakfast (make it yourself!) and just cut right to being an assistant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I don't know if this will help you any... but, if it were me... It'd help... women can be a little strange <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know your pain. My W and I were going through a similar pattern that was growing over the last 3 years of our 11 year marriage. In this particular case we simply sat down and talked about what was driving us crazy.

This happened about three months ago. It was not only long overdue but brought to light things that I do that simply get on her nerves as well. We have since been communicating much better and things are improving.

Using this as example, maybe you need to sit and down and communicate.

Is this my Hubby posting?

I am a clean freak, especially when I am stressed. It feels good to have a clean house. I feel like I have control over SOMETHING when I do housework. We may still be in debt, I may still worry about my health, but, gosh darnit, you CAN eat out of the toilet if you need to! LOL

I tend to move very quickly - one of the few work outs I can fit into my schedule. It helps the stress.

I have to agree with the others who behave similarly that your wife may LOVE it if you help. Do you know her emotional needs? I suspect that Domestic Support is near the top of her list and if you quickly, willingly, and enthusiastically (fake it if you have to) help around the house that you will fill her Love Bank.

Nothing turns me on more than watching Hubby fold laundry or vacuum. Seriously.

Perhaps your wife's other Emotional Need is Admiration. Tell her how much you appreciate all the housework she does... just don't do it from the sofa with a beer in your hand.


Mrs. W8ing

<small>[ January 16, 2005, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: W8ing4signs ]</small>