I am brand new here. First post, in fact. I just wanted to bounce my "issue" around with you and see what ideas we come up with.

I have been married a mere 5 months to a man who was married previously. He left his wife two years ago, we met and things progressed to marriage (happily so). My issue is that we both own our own separate businesses. He and his first wife created his business together and built it up successfully. When the marriage became incompatible after many years of trying to make it work, he decided to leave her. I don't know if it was guilt or what, but he gave her just about everything, including a house in Northern California and everything in it, a camper and a fairly new truck, $1000 a month for 5 years (alimony), a retirement account worth about $27K, she is still the beneficiary on a life insurance policy for the next 8 years or so, and finally she gets a percentage of the profits which decreases over 3 or 4 years time. In exchange, she relinquished her partnership in his business, so he got the business and a 1989 Chevy Blazer.

When we were dating, I thought this was odd. And I can recall the only conversation we ever really had about what she got in the divorce consisted of him saying "She got all that. But I got a business which is capable of giving us (some figure in the hundreds of thousands of dollars) income."

Suddenly, NOW this is really starting to bug me. We haven't been making alot of money in his business. This is partly because of the economy and partly because he hasn't put a huge effort into growing it. On top of that, I have been just about killing myself in MY business for over 18 months to pay off some bills that I entered the marriage with (they are now paid), but I also provide some money towards the household plus I pay all my bills and my taxes. Part of this crankiness with me is that I am tired of the pace. I feel resentful because I don't ever have time for fun. In order to gain some time back, I recently resigned a client that was taking alot of my time but not paying alot. We should be able to survive no problem and do very well starting to save for our house and continue to put more money toward our 401K if he would grow his business back to its former robust state.

Getting my needs communicated without evoking some sort of guilty emotional backlash from him has been a little challenging. He says he doesn't want to grow it TOO much because then ex-wife gets more profit, and frankly (I think) he's enjoyed having my income and low overhead. He is really very happy with his life and has filled time with healthy outdoor recreational pasttimes that he is now very attached to while I have been working for a client that takes me away from the house 3 days a week, plus all my other clients which amount to hours and hours over a normal 40 hour week. I don't begrudge him his fun. I'm just saying "the facilities" are pretty good for him right now.

I would like some free time too. He will counter my requests for a little more time in my life with "you still need to work too", implying that I intend to be a slacker. This just upsets me, because I only know how to work. I've been a plugger all my life, and I am no stranger to hard work in order to survive when I was by myself.

What am I not saying that gets the message across that I am tired and I need his efforts (maybe even his empathy and appreciation wouldn't hurt either). We aren't young (we're both in our 40s) enough to start over completely from scratch, we don't have our house and we may even have to move out of state to make that happen as it is. And I want a normal life with some time for fun, but I am not intending to slack off. I AM self employed after all. I have told him everything I have told you here, and he still seems to want to dredge up stuff to make our complaints about each other "equal". There is no "equal" in this case. All I have been doing is working without a complaint thus far. How can he find fault in that? He tried bringing up my debt on occasion, but those debts are paid. He just needs to "do it"! He's a great guy, we are adoring of each other (I'm just nuts about him) and he would say he is working. It may also be valid to say that he is also exhausted after growing a business and he has needed these past two years to rest up. But enough now.

(Enough of this long post too!)

Thank you.

Tossing your words back in your face is definitely not a good thing. It seems to demonstrate a lack of respect for you and what you say.

As to his lack of interest in building his business, maybe he just isn't interested in that business anymore. And using the ex-wife is just a convenient excuse.

Maybe he needs to find something that he's more passionate about for employment.

Frankly, the fact that you and he can't talk about it w/o recriminations from him is more of a red-flag to me, than the topic itself.

Have you looked at the Basic Concepts stuff, and looked at how to apply those principles? Assuming your H really wants to work on the relationship and give you what you need/desire, reaching accord on POJA and stuff may be the right way to head.

Thanks Jaye,

I think you may be onto something when you say he is likely tired of his business. I'm sure, like me, he feels like he is lucky to have a talent for something that he can make money in. But sometimes when he is doing it, he seems to really hate it. There are aspects of it that he likes, and he seems to like the people he works with. But he resents that HE has to do all the work. ("Well, duh! Grow the business and have your subcontractors do it") Anyway, I have inquired in the past if he really likes what he does, but I think I will try to probe a bit deeper with that. He is showing more interest at the moment in his outdoor recreational activities, mainly kayaking. I know what falling in love with what you do "looks" like, and I see it more when he is paddling than when he is working. (Of course, working in something is a good way to wreck it for you, but I think it's worth exploring with him.) Business accumen he has plenty of. I forgot to mention: this is his second successful business he has started, though on a smaller scale this time. He just has nothing to show for it.) I think whatever my sweetie wanted to persue, he could make into something viable. He really has a head for business. When he wants to.

We are working on the Basics. Actually, he was quite excited about some of the changes I want to make in the marriage based on them. I took that as a very good sign overall.

Do you think the recriminations can be caused more by guilt because he KNOWS he's been a bit of the slacker these past two years? I truly believe that he wants my happiness. I just don't think he is hearing me without hearing "she's attacking me" even if I use my "I" statements or tread very carefully. Our communication could be better in general, but this particular issue seems to be the test case for communication at the moment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by alphabetty:
<strong> Thanks Jaye,

We are working on the Basics. Actually, he was quite excited about some of the changes I want to make in the marriage based on them. I took that as a very good sign overall.

</strong>

This is encouraging.

<strong>

Do you think the recriminations can be caused more by guilt because he KNOWS he's been a bit of the slacker these past two years?
</strong>

Absolutely. Of course, slacker is a DJ, so you may want to be careful saying that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Perhaps "knows he hasn't been putting in 110%..." might work better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


<strong>
I truly believe that he wants my happiness. I just don't think he is hearing me without hearing "she's attacking me" even if I use my "I" statements or tread very carefully. Our communication could be better in general, but this particular issue seems to be the test case for communication at the moment. </strong>

I agree that in the philosophical sense, he wants you to be happy. I don't think too many men go into a relationship consciously saying "I want my spouse to be miserable".

However, there's a leap from the philosphy of wanting you to be happy, and the core personality changes required to "think differently".

I submit that perhaps the priority should be working on the LB's and communication issues in general, because there will always be "test cases". If this business issue is resolved, and there are still communication problems, some other issue will rear its ugly head. I don't know about you, but I'd rather attack the root.

So my suggestion would be, that barring some critical financial need, or exhaustion on your part, I would suggest that a) YOu both focus on communication skills so that the "sensitivity" and other LB's go away. b) Both of you pursue finding your employment passion. But in a way that isn't at the expense of the other.

Once a couple can communicate effectively, lots and lots and lots of the other struggles and differences of opinion go away. They just seem to melt.


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