Hi, I am new to this message board and am hoping someone has some words of wisdom for me. This may be a long winded post so please forgive me.

My husband and I have been married for 7 months, we have been together for three years. I have two young children from a previous marriage and I am pregnant with my husband's and my first child, I am due late July/early August.

My husband and I have run into a relatively large problem. I want to have a joint checking account with him, he wants everything to remain separate. I am a stay at home mom who does all of the shopping and I can really anticipate separate checking accounts being a problem when the baby is born, it already is a problem actually. I get roughly $500 for my other two children for child support and out of that I am expected to pay for ALL the groceries in this home, my car insurance, my gas, my childrens' needs and my needs. Lately I have been having to borrow money from my mother to meet these needs. Its quite embarassing, she thinks my husband should be providing for these needs especially since that is what he promised to do. I can't work, we live in a rural area so I would have to drive an hour long commute to get any kind of work plus daycare for one child would eat up all my pay not to mention three children, so I depend on my husband to meet these needs. Before marriage we both agreed to have a traditional marriage with him working outside of the home and me taking care of the home. My children know him as their father, they call him daddy, he told me before we were married that he would provide for them and he isn't doing that. It costs him no more to have us here than when we weren't here, however my financial situation is terrible because now I have to buy all of the groceries and with so little money that is nearly impossible to do.

It was very difficult for me to do but I asked my husband if we could get a joint checking account last night (he has never been married before and has never been burned by having a joint checking account before). He said no. He said this is the way he has always done it and this is the way he will do it until he dies.I explained the injustice in his system but he didn't seem to care. I asked him what am I supposed to do when I need to take the baby to the doctor and the baby needs a prescription that costs more than what I have, I asked him what am I supposed to do if I am broke down on the side of the freeway with three children in the car. He had no answers for me and acted like these situations could NEVER happen, well they have happened before and my parents had to help me out. He finally agreed to leave me some money in an envelope every month for me to use. I think this is better than nothing but I still feel extremely hurt that he isn't willing to share a checking account with me. I feel he distrusts me and I don't know why, I am very responsible with money. In fact if anyone should be scared of a joint account it should be me. My ex took all of the money from our joint account before leaving me, left me with children, no job, no place to live and almost $30000 of debt that he refused to pay, I paid it all of in less than three years. My current husband knows this, he knows how frugal I am and he should trust me. I don't want to take his money and go on a shopping spree, I just want to be able to buy groceries and to be able to meet the basic needs of our family. I am so hurt and I am feeling resentful.

Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this situation. Am I wrong to want access to my husband's income? I am willing to put everything I have into the pot. It feels to me like his is his and mine is ours, and that is not a fair way to live. I have already been through a marriage like this and I don't want to do it again, it did a lot of emotional damage to me. Plus I don't think it provides a good example for the children, my oldest daughter is acutely aware that her biological father did not take care of her, I don't want her to start feeling that way about her stepfather whom she absolutely adores. Please help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This is a prime example of why most premarital counseling sucks.

Your H does not see you as an equal in the relationship, and can use money as a way to control the situation. You had what you thought was an agreement, but in reality, the 2 of you never agreed in spirit, only in verbiage.

He has an unusual view of marriage. Did your new H adopt your kids from your previous marriage? How does he propose to support *his* child? His will be well fed and have everything, and yours will go hungry?

I do not have a good answer for you on what you can do. I can only empathise with you.

There are some areas that you do have control over, sex, home stuff, things like that, that can be used potentially to bring about some negotiation.

No u arent wrong.......u r supposed to be one.....I bet he would have no problem if you put him on your account.......besides if he wanted to remain the way he was he should have stayed single......... pray......seek counseling from a minister..... go to work after the baby.....he wont like that ..... that will liberate you and he wants you to be HIS child....how do i know same here.....my husband was on an account i had....spent the money, put his in another account and tells me he doesnt have one........but of course I know......also that he is cheating and much more.......GOOD luck.....this is a terrible time to have these insecurites.......pregnant and not good for the baby i am sure......PRAY, READ>>YOur Bible or www.BIBlegateway.com

Thanks for your share! How frustrating for you. First of all, your husband, obviously, has trust and control issues. Do NOT play into that. Also, start taking care of yourself NOW. Maybe you could write out a list of joint bills...for the household. Ask him to contribute half. If he doesn't want a joint account, just go with it. You probably DON'T want a joint account with him anyway. Remember, you are an adult...he is NOT your parent. I don't mean this with any disrespect (especially since I don't know your husband) but, he sounds like a big bully. Anyone that uses (directly or indirectly) intimidation tactics is manipulative and unhealthy. As I said, take care of YOU and your kids, if you don't, who will? Hang in there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

first of all, this may have nothing to do with you.
If he was married to someone else he may also act this way.

Do not withhold sex. This is not a good idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Keep talking to him with respect. Be very respectful.
I think you are making this into a TRUST issue and it is causing you a lot of emotional turmoil.
At this moment it is not a trust issue.

When you ran out of money , why were you going to your mother instead of your husband?

You husband did give you an envelope with money after you said you needed more. Just keep going to your husband. If you run out, tell him you are sorry that you need to ask for money but you need help in making $500 last.Could he help you with ideas. Should the family just eat less meat or perhaps more rice.
Is there a cheaper place to get car insurance. Make him responsible also for every purchase.. ASk him every little thing, like should you buy prenatal vitamins. Tell him you don't want to bother him but you just need help in getting $500 to last.


Ask him to go shopping with you. Maybe he has ideas to conserve money. Tell him that maybe you should start working nights, would he be willing to watch the kids.

If you need something extra for yourself. Ask his permission. If he allocates the money, give him a big hug etc....

You will be much smarter if you can get him to realize the problems and come to the necessary conclusions on his own.

If you follow this strategy we will see what his issues really are.

It seems to me that you are pretty responsible and I am hoping on his own he will see the problems and be happy to let you take responsibilty for all the purchasing needs and allocate more money for this purpose.

i just wanted to say that I thought that mengott's advice was good. All you can do is the best you can with what access you have been forced into. By asking for what is needed constantly he is being made aware of what the financial situation is and if he is not power hungry or a controller then he should see that something needs to change or he will be bothered with every little thing and will want to make life easier for himself and you.

When my wife and I got married we didn't open a joint account due to her financial situation. She had accrued a large credit card and music club debt and was harrassed by credit collectors. Her credit was horrible and so we had decided to pay off her debt and continue with my account until her credit cleared up. But before that happened she racked up a new set of credit cards. needless to say she has a spending problem. But in it all if she had come to me like you did I would have had no problem creating a joint account.

Currently we are working on cleaning up her latest debt of around 30,000. We also have a joint checking account, but I also have a seperate account as well. What we have setup is 1 account for income and important expenses (such as house, car, power, etc) and 1 account for household expenses and her credit cards, and 1 account for savings. When I get paid (biweekly) it is auto deposited into the income account and at that time some is transferred to savings and weekly some money is transferred into the household expenses account. All the important bills are auto paid from the income account and we have agreed to write no checks or withdraw any money from that account (which is in my name). The household expenses is the joint account which has the weekly budget available to both of us. This way she can't get carried away and overspend causing important bills to not be paid and she and I are aware of the budget and the current spending.

This arrangement has been working quite well now for a little over a year now. Now that she is controlling her spending that is she asked for the income account to also be joint I would agree to it with no complaints. She had believed at one time the same as you do but she never did approach me with it so I was never aware of how she felt. Once she did tell me I had no problem making the change.

I hope you and your husband can come to an agreement that you both can live with. Just remember to keep the communication open and continue to tell him how you feel.