I am totally confused! I have lived with him for over a year. We're engaged to be married this March but, I cannot stop this negative, harmful way and line of thinking: I have been taught and it's been ingrained in me that you never live with a man..the old "who needs the milk if you have the cow!" and I'm supposed to be intelligent?? I have broken all the rules and the golden rule and have gone against the values I have been brought up with! I stayed over his apartment too soon, I lived with him, knowing that he had been married to an older woman years back, knowing he was engaged to a french girl a year back and had lived with her for 3 years! Being told by him that he just felt bad for this girl and it was convenient for him to live with her because he was in school and didn't know anyone or have any family in this country! Knowing that men go after women that are aloof, mysterious and don't care! Why now do I expect him still to cure my insanity and the torture I am giving to myself wondering if this is really real, if he feels the most he has ever felt for anyone with me? Wondering if I am just like everyone else! Wondering why I didn't take one day of space really from him and that we have been together almost every day since we have met and that he is just going to end up taking me for granted! Wondering why he just won't submit and give in and tell me everything I want to know and tell me the truth!! But then realizing that this thinking has gotten me nowhere and it's like trying to get blood from a stone cause he doesn't want to be bothered! He wants me to just trust him and stop questioning his love! He doesn't want me to care about these unimportant things! I can't blame him and expect him to cure my flaw of not respecting myself enough to do what I was supposed to!! He runs and just closes his ears when I get this episode of unhealthy thinking per month! He is so used to it though! And, he feels he has answered me sooo many times before when I have insisted that he tell me that I am the woman of his dreams! But it's not enough! I keep thinking that what all the psychologists and the rule books and what's the general consensus about living together is going to happen to me! I mean with all that is said and known, why should I be the one that is let off the hook? Why should this work out for me? Why should this be true love? After all, I broke all the rules! I don't understand the 'FACTS OF LIFE.' Why shouldn't he take me for granted too? Why should I be different from the others when I didn't act smart! Help!

Whoa beverly, slow down and take a deep breath. Try to calm down.<p>I'm not sure I understand what is upsetting you. Are you feeling guilty or remorseful about living with your boyfriend? Or are you feeling insecure about your relationship with him? <p>You say you are "Wondering why he just won't submit and give in and tell me everything I want to know and tell me the truth!!" What is it that he won't tell you?<p>You say he he lived with a French girl for 3 years because it was convenient, then was engaged to her because he felt sorry for her. (Did I get that right?) Are you worried that you are just "convenient" or that he just feels sorry for you? Is that it?<p>Listen to me. He has committed to marry you, and he probably will. But he could change his mind. You have no control over his feelings, he will love you or not. It will be his choice, not yours. <p>You can only control your own choices and actions. Choose now to be calm, loving, and happy.<p>If he leaves you, you will be hurt. But you will get over it. You are strong enough and smart enough to have a fine life without him.<p>If you've made some mistakes along the way, oh well, that's part of life. Everyone makes mistakes, that is how we learn. Learn from your mistakes and start over.<p>Try to get a good nights' sleep, and tell us more about what's happening when you feel better.

Do you feel guilty about your happiness?<br>Don't be. <br>Take a deep breath and ask yourself why you are worrying? Why are you feeling insecure?<p>If you read that column on living together before marriage, there is a section which mentions how this situation could work out.<p>Think positively, but realistically. I can't imagine such negativity being attractive to anyone.<br>

Hey Beverly-<br>I know exactly what you are saying. My boyfriend wants me to move in with him, but I want a date set with the stylin' ring before I do. This is where my insecurity lies. You are LUCKY. Your man has told you that he is marrying you and in so doing that you are the love of his life. Your man probably thinks that saying he wants to marry you fills in all the blanks & that he is exempt from constant reassurance. That is a reasonable arguement, but everybody knows that most women need reassurance all the time & it's no fun to expect you to just KNOW anyway. Guys can be foolish in that respect. He may just not be very expressive. My boyfriend goes in waves & I feel like a jerk when I have to all but ask him to compliment me or give me some love. I'm starting to ramble now, but we should talk.

Beverly:<p>I'm sorry to read about your troubles. However it sounds a bit my own situation. <p>I told my lady friend I would marry her over the past year and a half. Although I care a great deal for her I really wasn't sure if I wanted to get married. However I felt guilt since "she was good enough to sleep with, but not marry." Yet, she is a very good catch and would make some lucky guy a great husband, but I'm seriously considering post-posting our March marriage. Although if this happens I feel our six-year relationship will end (we live together for almost three years as well…). <p>However we have had two major difficulties. The first is communication. She is Japanese and I am American. Her English is great, but my Japanese is limited. She wants me to study the language, but I haven't which leads to her having to translate and this gets her annoyed. The second is about a year or so ago she started putting on weight. One of the reasons I was attracted to her was that she was slim. I find her less attractive these days (although I myself am hardly a Brad Pitt. I stay in good shape…) and when I have mentioned her appearance she gets defensive.<p>But a healthy appearance is important for me, as is communication.<p><br>

If you're trying to relate that you share the mentality of Beverly's boyfriend, I don't think that's right on. I would say that Beverly just get's a little neurotic as women will & looks for reassurance cause she feels like she put herself in a situation which may backfire. I'm sure her boyfriend still loves her deeply & is just trying to keep up with reassuring her on an as needed basis, which in turn, upsets Beverly even more.

Why are you guys giving Beverly's boyfriend the benefit of the doubt? He has already mad e a commitment to 2 women and has broken it. What is different this time? 3rd time a charm? Beverly's doubts must have some root cause other than her neuroses. I think we're doing her a dis-service by saying that it's in her mind and she should not worry. Why should we believe that he's not using her as he has admitted to using other women in the past? <p>I think that Beverly should move out and take time to think things over. Spend time with friends and family - enjoy life! There is plenty of time to get married. If her fiance loves her I think he will understand.

Why should she fret when if it's not going to work out, then it's just not going to work out. Her insecurities and reacting to them by moving out will only divide her & her boyfriend absolutely. She can still take better care of her needs & spend time with her friends & family. She doesn't have to move out to make her point. It's not fair to her boyfriend to say that because he operates in this fashion, that he is not sincere with Beverly. Every situation is different & the first two women could have made him see that he won't make such a commitment until he is absolutely sure. Regardless, Beverly taking care of her needs & not being so reactive to her insecurities would make all the difference. Also, it's important to reconfigure your mind & chill out, Beverly, cause your fears usually make themselves real if you give them power.