last night I asked the man I've been dating for the past year about the direction our relationship is heading towards. He lives in another state and has been commuting two hours every weekend to see me.<p>I feel that I am very much in love with him and would like to start paving the road for our future. From his reaction last night I felt that we are not going to have one.<p>He expressed his need to be alone and have time for himself. He says when he's with me I monopolized his time and don't give him the opportunity to do what he want's to do. I totally disagreed with this. I made it clear to him that the time we have is limited and when we do spend that special time together I want to make the most of it. I also have two children and he has none. I know he loves my kids and they are not the problem.<p>I have given him ultimatums, cried, fought and practically used my anger to try and get him to make decisions regarding us. <p>Right now I feel very sad because I truly beleive we're going nowhere in this relationship.<p>I've been through alot these past couple of years and when we found each other I truly beleived it was for keeps. I don't know what else to do.

Querida:<p>I'm sorry that things have not turned out the way you wanted them to. It sounds to me that this relationship is not the best that God has for you.<p>The fac that you had to use ultimatums and your anger to get him to make decisions is very telling. Querida, God wants you to have a relationship where you don't have to push or cajole or push to make things happen. What would that kind of a relationship mean to you, long term, anyway?<p>Would you ever know if he REALLY wanted you or would you wonder if you talked him into loving you. I ask this because for a couple of years I dated a guy I knew through my church, and tried with everything in my power to make things work. We finally realized that it was not the best that God had for us and moved on. A few months later, a man who had been a wonderful friend (through my church, also) started looking "different" to me. We started to get to know one another better by hanging out with our group, and eventually by doing things together exclusively.<p>Well, within a short time we were dating, and about 8 months later, he proposed. I never had to guess about how he felt because he made all the moves in the relationship. He asked me out first, told me he loved me first, proposed, etc. He really lead the relationship, and that resulted in me knowing that it was ME he wanted. <p>I will pray for you that God will bring His best into your life soon, but also in His perfect timing. Seek the Lord and spend this time getting to know Him better and better. He will always be faithful to you.<p>God bless you,<br>Singer

Singer,<p>Thanks so much for the encouraging words. I had another talk with my boyfriend and he assures me that he would like to be with me but that there are other issues that he feels are a problem. He talked to me about them and alot of it had to do with the contact that I have with my ex-husband. We have 2 children so obviously he will always be a part of their lives. He thinks that if I don't inform him about everything this man says or does then I'm holding things back and I'm lying to him.<p>I've gone through alot these past couple of years. The reason we split is because of his infidelity. I am trying to start over with someone I beleived could fill all my emotional needs. He doesn't understand why I handled my situation the way i did. I have invited him to visit this site and read Dr.Harley's advice on surviving an affair. I can totally relate. I am not one of the people he described who can imagine reconciliation. I'd rather move on. But of course there was the grieving and emotional stage that I went through. although my boyfriend helped me through this, he thinks I feel forced to be with him and maybe i wasn't emotionally ready fo a relationship.<p>I pretty much have proven to him everyday how much I love him. I beleive he's the one who can't imagine change in his life. That would mean moving, looking for another job, giving up what he beleives is "his time".<p>I will pray to god that he allows me to find happiness. I just feel so sad like I have a big hole in my heart. I hate feeling this way.

Querida:<p>Thanks for your post back to me!<p>You said in your post that you thought you had found someone (in your boyfriend) who could meet all of your needs. I don't believe that anyone on earth can ever do that, and if we expect that from people, we will always be disappointed. I believe God is the only one who can fulfill ALL of our needs. I do believe that He uses people sometimes to do that.<p>I encourage you to seek the Lord. Read the bible and see what He wants to say to you. He loves you more than anyone here on earth could ever love you, because His love is perfect, and ours is a distant second. <p>As for your boyfriend's concerns, they are similar to the ones my ex-boyfriend had. He had a hard time dealing with the fact that my ex-husband would always be in our lives. He didn't want to be beholden to anyone else about how we would live, where we would live, etc. That was probably the biggest factor for him that made the relationship not do-able.<p>If he's not willing to move or change his life for you, then there is the extent of his willingness to love you. Love is a decision that is played out through actions. Words are nice and they do serve to deposit units in our love-banks, but our actions are the stuff with which we show what we really think.<p>An example from the bible for you: In the book of James it talks about whether or not faith is real if it's not backed up with good works. The answer is no. People say they believe in God, but unless it changes how they act, they don't really believe. James makes the point that even the demons believe in God, and they shudder. However, that head-knowledge is not the same as the faith in the redemptive work of Jesus that gives us eternal life and saves us from eternal death. <p>If he really loves you, his actions will say so. And even if he does really love you, sometimes the fact that you love someone doesn't mean that they are God's best for you.<p>I will keep praying for you, Querida.<p>God bless you,<br>Singer