I have never written in one of these things before so here goes. My problem is my husband is very old fashion. I will start at the beginning. I was in a very bad marriage. By the time I realized all the things my ex was doing he had already just about made us lose the house and car. He was heavily on drugs. I was still willing to help him if he only realize he had a problem and get help. He refused and said he would probably die using drugs. So I packed his bags and filed for a divorce. I have three small children. I had a job so I was trying to get us back on our feet which seemed impossible as he had us so much behind. Well this is where my boyfriend comes in. There was a man that had worked with my ex that knew of all that was going on. He first came over to check on us. Then to change locks on the doors and do other things I needed done. He soon became something I treasured. He was so great. I found myself laughing like I could not remember laughing. Even my kids commented that they had never seen me so happy. He moved in after my divorce and helped me get all the bills caught up and I was able to keep the house. I was laid off my job and he wanted me to stay home and care for him. I do everything for him. He has to do nothing when he comes home except shower. His cloths are all laid out. The food is on the table.I couldn't even name all I do for him. He often brags to the guys he works with that he has it made. We have lived together for two years now. The problem is the kids. He has a hard time with them as he has never had children. He expects their rooms to stay spotless. If they aren't he gets very short with them. My daughter has a little weight problem. She is only 11 and I worry if I push her two hard she could end up with a eating disorder or at the least very low self esteem. But he never lets up. I finally got him to stop saying things to her but now he stays angry with me because he thinks I should demand she lose weight and make her. I do have her in dance class and we walk every day. I watch what she eats but she is still a child there is only so much I can do health wise. He keeps giving me time periods to have her weight off. And when she doesn't reach it he is angry with me for days and won't talk to me. If he comes home and their rooms aren't spotless he gets upset and says I don't show him I love him because if I did I would be sure their rooms stayed cleaned and says that since I am not doing my part completely than he will start giving me only half the bill money. But it was his idea I not work. He is wonderful when everything in the house is perfect though. For example, I can have the house perfect and if he is in one of his moods he will go to the basement or garage and find something in them that needs done and say "well the house isn't perfect because they are part of the house." Now who has a spotless basement or garage? My grandmother died a few months ago. When we were at the hospital for 6 days while she was dying he picked a fight with me because we were eating hospital food all the time and the kids were not getting their vegetables. Athough he was the one taking them down to get their food as I was constantly at my grandmothers side. I let that go. But now this is really getting me. I had major surgery just a little over a week ago. He promised me he would not say any thing about the kids rooms. Well, they have been helping me keep the rest of the house clean and have let their rooms go. He got very upset and said he was not paying the bills this week until their rooms were spotless. I told him that I was not suppose to even be up. And he said let the kids do it all. However, he isn't realizing they have school all day and by the time they get home they do not have time to do all he expects them to do. They are also having their Terri Nova test this week. He sas he is checking closits, every drawer, under beds and even door frames. Like he expects children to do all this. So I was up helping my daughter scrub out her closit last night and move her furniture around. I know this is long. I love him and he has helped me so much. He continuely reminds me of this. That any woman should would be happy to have him. I have very good kids. But he doesn't understand he makes them nervous and they do not do their best work when he is around. He just thinks they are lazy. I am thankful for all hes done. But please help me. I am at my wits end. My ex was a slob so I can't compare them. I do keep my house very clean. It is only the kids rooms that he gets so upset about. Please someone help me. I have informed him that as soon as I can I am finding a job. He isn't happy with me but I am not backing down. Rhonda735@aol.com

Hi Rhonda,<P>I understand, to a certain degree, your dilemma. I too have gone through a rough marriage. My husband and I have only been married three short years, and we have a two year old daughter. Based on my experiences I know what you are going through is hard.<BR>However, you must not only think of your own well-being, but how your decisions will ultimately affect the future of your children.<BR>If you really love this guy, and he truly loves you, I think you both should go to pre-marital counseling, and deal with the major issues that are hindering your relationship. Secondly, your children need to feel loved and wanted, they have gone through a rough time just like you have, and it would be unfair to subject them to any further hardships. Try and get your mate to realize how important your children are to you, and if he respects you he will want to fulfill your needs also.<BR>I also recommend you both reading a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. Although the book is designed for married couples, I believe identifying your needs to him, and his needs to you could save you some heartache in the future.<BR>Above all, think of the lessons your are teaching your children. Living in before marriage results in an 85% divorce rate (read the article on living together before marriage). I am assuming you want this relationship to lead to marriage, so maybe you both need to discuss this matter.<P>

Rhonda; I'm in a step-situation myself, so certainly understand what it's like, not being a parent myself, to have high expectations of your significant other's kids, as well as little patience for their failings, but the guy you're describing sounds emotionally abusive to me... It appears he's picking fights and abusing his monetary "power" in an effort to break and control you; his riduculing/pressuring your daughter to lose weight (really none of his business) is also abusive and potentially very damaging. Get help for yourself and your kids; I don't know that "counseling" will help this guy. Above all, I'd say don't say "I do" unless and until you see a substantial change for the better.