I have been living with a man for 2+ years, and things have been great. A year ago I found out that he had been previously married (that I knew) to his first cousin (Which I did not know!). I did know that when he and his wife broke up, he had a hard time with it and went back and forth with her a few times before making a clean break. He mourned the relationship for about a year and a half.<P>He is a great man, hard worker, loves my kids and is patient with my very demanding family (I care for my elderly parents) <P>He does not want to get married, said he is not ready. I am, very much so. We have been through a lot together and I am ready to seal the bond. I know he loves me very much, so this confuses me. <P>Also, a friend has recommended that I never marry someone who had been married to his first cousin, she said he'll go back if given the chance. <P>At this point I am willing to wait for him to get ready. I don't know how to helpe him get ready! That would be nice advice!<P>By the way, we did go through couples counseling right after I found out about the nature of the previous marriage, but nothing earth-shattering came of that, other than we learned to communicate better with each other, not withhold info etc... <P>Other than his lack of desire to get married, everything is great! He helps around the house, does great with my kids, and everything!<P>Advice???

Your first mistake was living with him. Your second mistake was agreeing to live with him then changing your mind (wanting to get married) later on. <P>He only agreed to live with you. He doesn't need to marry you, why should he? <P>He's got everything a marriage would have except lifelong commitment, which doesn't mean too much to him considering his first marriage is over. <P>Sorry but you put yourself in this situation and it's not fair of you to change the rules of the game when he's doing what he agreed to do (live together). Now you have to do what you agreed to do. Or break up. <P>I suggest the next time you want to marry a man, don't move in together until you have a ring on your finger and a date set (as in church booked, deposit on the reception hall, friends and family notified).<P>

pete's mom--<P>I also lived with my H before marriage. We thought it would be best to "feel out" the situation first since we'd both been married before. Wish I'd had Dr. Harley's info. then, I would have done everything differently! However, I made no secret of the fact that I wanted to get married and moved to his town with the understanding that we WOULD be getting married soon after. It's more complicated than "just getting married" when there are already children, isn't it? Having to set up house, registering in schools, etc.<P>So here we were, living together, when reality set in and our bad communication techniques surfaced. He got cold feet, and it was another year before he was able to commit to marriage. Obviously, that wouldn't have happened if I'd "held out" for marriage before moving.<P>I think the best you're going to be able to do is talk with him. Calmly, politely. Tell him all the reasons you feel marriage is the answer. Listen to his reasonings while acknowledging his feelings. Men are more logical creatures than we are; this may appeal to him. Explain YOU feel it's better for the children, and if things are good NOW, marriage WILL only make it better. Perhaps a timeframe would help; you'd like for him to think about it, then revisit the subject in 2-6 months. During that time, you'll also be thinking too--he'll understand that. That's what I did; set a timeframe then didn't bring up the subject directly until it was time to talk about it again. We worked on our communication skills and made a better relationship in the interim.<P>It's a tough situation. Sounds like he needs the reassurance that if you marry it will last (show love first), and you need the reassurance that marriage is the goal (show commitment first). His feelings are as important as yours, and you cannot force your opinion on him. <P>I'm glad you found a good man. With a little patience and a lot of love, I think you'll be able to realize your goal. <P>Think a timeframe might be a good idea?<p>[This message has been edited by Lucks (edited January 19, 2000).]

Well, we did enter into this with the idea that we would eventually marry. The reason we did not is that my divorce took 3 years to become finalized, because of some serious financial entanglements. It has only been 4 months since that was official.<P>I think that luck's idea of a timeline is a good one. I did print out the newsletter on living together and making marriage work, and gave it to him. He agreed to read it and discuss it with me.<P>I don't think he's totally opposed to marriage, he realizes its important and not just to me. I think he does not want to fail again. He has a different timeline I think. I also realize that his first wife co-erced him into marriage, and I think he'd like to think it's his choice, and is exercising his right to do it when he feels like HE wants to, not on my agenda.<P>He did seem open to discussion when I gave him the newsletter, though. And he is obviously still in love, so here's to Patience as a Virtue!