I have read the articles on the website about living together before marriage, and I agree with them. However, I didn't find anything that fits my situation. My boyfriend and I plan to get married and talk about marriage always using "when." However, we both want to be more financially stable before we take that step. I want a nice wedding, since I hope it will be my only one, and a nice honeymoon. He wants to get me a nice ring and start our marriage without the added stress of financial problems. We know our finances won't be perfect, but we want them to be better. Living together will help this, we believe. We plan to buy a house together this winter. In this way, we will save money and build equity. We are both currently paying over $500 a month to rent. All in all, we are very open about our commitment to each other. Does anyone have any suggestions for making the transition form living together to marriage easier? Is there a way for us to establish that kind of relationship when we move in rather than it changing when we get married? We would like the marriage to be more of a symbol and celebration than the actual commitment which already exists.

Dear AJ,<P>Let me see... you have read the articles about living together before marriage and agree with them. Now you want advice in how to avoid all of the negetive consequences the articles spoke of? To me it sounds like you are willing to risk the potential for healthy marriage relationship so you will have a healthier finacial situation.<P>If I may suggest an alternate plan that will help both of you save money and continue toward the best possible marriage. Each of you should be looking for a room mate to help share costs. Now this won't be easy and I'm sure you can come up with all kinds of reasons why that won't be possible. The reality is that when you really want to do something you will find a way.<P>Another thing that you may want to consider is to alter your expectations regarding the size on the diamond and wedding and the luxury level of the honeymoon.<P>When my wife and I married in 1978 (yikes are we getting old) we literally didn't have a pot to pee in. I purchased a modestly sized high quality diamond. Our wedding was attended by over 400 guests and it was very simple and inexpensive. (no sit down meal and no open bar or band) We drove to our honeymoon spot in the Poccono Mtns of Penn. We have many fond memories of making do without very much. The very special thing is that in the 22 years we have been married we, as a team, helped me change careers, go back to school and start my own consulting company. Our financial picture is rosey enough now that I hope to "retire" by the time I'm 50. The biggest reason that we have had such good success is the strength of our marriage commitment. We did all this as a team. There is nothing more devistating to personal finances than a broken marriage. <P>To put a finer point on what I'm trying to say... Find another way, other then moving in together, to prepare yourselves financially for marriage. You won't regret it!<P>Mud

Mudder,<BR>I appreciate your comments. I have lived alone for several years now and love that after having had roommates in the past. I will be buying a house whether with this man or not. I do not require a large diamond-I don't think that matters. As far as the wedding, I want 'nice' not extravagant. We are both full time college students so I would be willing to postpone the honeymoon. We have been together for over a year, he has a daughter from a previous marriage that he is raising, and he has also been living alone with her. My thoughts were to get married before a judge and wait to have the ceremony and honey moon until finances allowed. Perhaps I should discuss this with my boyfriend and share with him the concerns of this website? Also, I think a formal engagement would be helpful.<BR>Thanks.<BR>AJohnson

AJ,<P>Your are being very rational. Way to go! It isn't always so when people are "in love". Postponing the ceremony (but getting married in fron of a judge) and honeymoon sound like good options to me. Yes official engagement would be a good step too. Yes talk with your BF about what you are thinking and how you wouldn't want to do anything that could harm the chances that your marriage will be long and happy one. You sound like you are on the right track.<P>Mud

Before I give you my advice, I'll tell you my situation. I am currently living with my ex and we are discussing remarriage but money is always as issue. Originally, we lived together for two months then eloped and got married in front of a judge. For 7 years, we "planned" to have a real wedding/honeymoon "when we had the money". The problem is that we never felt like we had the money. We were separated and then divorced last year. This year we started to get back together and he had a EA/PA.<P>Now, I know that he was never as committed to our marriage as I was. For some reason, men have to go through the stage of buying the ring and getting down on one knee. He has to make the conscious decision to marry you and follow through with it in front of family and friends -- otherwise I don't think he will be as committed to the marriage.<P>Although we are living together now, because of finances and because we are used to it (we were married for 7 years) -- I would NEVER encourage anybody else to live together first because of finances. You are planning a lifetime commitment, go through the correct steps. It will be worth it in the end.<P>I am planning to wait a few months for us to recover from the affair, but I am expecting him to officially propose soon. He needs to prove to me that he is in it for the long-haul, otherwise I will find someone else that will. <P>Don't settle for less. I found out that he actually lost respect for me when I asked him to move in with me before we were married in 1992. <P>Get officially engaged, even if it is a tiny diamond. Get officially married, even if it is a small private affair. Go on a honeymoon , even if it is in a hotel in your hometown. There is something to be said about doing things the old fashioned way. I learned it the hard way and am currently struggling to save our relationship.<P>When there is a will, there is a way. You will find the money if you really want to get married.<P><P>------------------<BR>Jennidy