Dear Dr. Harley<P>I am 38 years old have two kids from a previous marriage. I have been dating and living together with my fiancee of 4 years. We have been together for 7 years. We have lived together on and off, broke up twice. The last time was about 2 1/2 years ago. For the last 2 years we have been living together very happily and getting marriage plans together and actually talking about buying a house. In October of 2000 we were just having our carpets redone in our apartment and was talking about being completely honest with each other. He said are you sure, I said yes. He then told me that about 2 years ago when we were not living together he had an affair. He felt he was not getting the attention he needed and being taking for granted. He just really was seeking attention, sexually. He had informed the other person of me, to let them know he did not want a relationship. He saw her for the recognition he needed and me because he wanted the relationship, he was in love with me and wanted marriage,but need the attention-ego rubbing he was getting from her. He informed this other person of this after about 2 weeks of their affair which probably started in the summer of 1998. He then admitted he continue seeing her speratically until August when she informed him she was pregnant and it was his baby. He was mad, told her not to have because he did not want anything to do with her or to have a child and stop seeing her immediately. She had been contacting him about her situation, he refuse any contact for a year. The baby turned one years old this May of 2000 and somehow she convinced him or scared him to thinking it was his baby. He went to see in couriousity to see if it was his baby. Since this was from a white woman and he is black he really could not tell, he has alot of light skinned family, he said the baby just look white. So he couldn't tell if it was his or not, even though he knew she was having sex with other people. He knew he had unprotected sex with her so he got scared. He was afraid because of other friends who were in the same position just neglecting out of marriage baby and now being caught by the state and owing back child support for 15 years, he decided to give in, to protect himself from any legal problems and help this person finacially. Well I found all this out October of 2000 and immediately was angry. I told him how stupid could he be to do this without a paternity test, when he knew he was not the only one. And I question him are you sure you two were not dating exclusively? He said no,and he only saw he on occasion, it was not like a weekly, daily thing. Well I was in pain, angry going out of my mind. I was angry because on the affair and angry about the possibilities of a child. We talked and the next day he informed her I knew everything about the situation. He said she got angry that I knew. He then told her without a paternity test, there is no need to see her or help her financially until a test was done to make sure he was the father. She refused. She said after all this time, no test and hung up on him. The next day at work she left him a message on his voice mail informing him she knew where we live our phone number etc. and he is losing out on the childs life. She said she wanted no money or anything from him, not to call her or anything anymore and she will never contact him again in her life. He said fine. Gave no response, no call. The next day he had problems with his cell phone, becaue I even called to check up on him because of course I do not have any trust in him at this point. Well, she was trying to call him again. So she left another nasty message at work saying oh now your cell phone doesn't work and left her cell phone number because she wanted him to sign off on any paternity rights. When he got the message he told me and told me he called her back, to informed her his cell had problems, but he is not trying run his phone works now. He told her he was not signing anything because first of all a paternity test has to be done and why would he sign off on rights when he doesn't even know if he has that right. To keep her word and not bother him anymore. The next day she call apologizing for her actions and just once again said he would be missing out on the childs life. He did not respond. Since then I have been losing my mind about the affair and a possiblity of a child. When I wanted to have children with him, but because between our two marriages we had, we already had four children, we decided not to have one. But the thought of that other person possiblity of sharing that with him, when I wanted to is killing me. He promised since that last message she left he has not contacted her at all and the only time he thinks about it is when I bring it up, he wants to forget that situation completely. I, on the other hand have alot of questions, like did she satisfy you more sexually then I? Did she share anything special with him? Did he share our special things with her? Can I trust him? Can I believe him? There are times I want to find this person. I am going crazy? I feel consumed, depressed and sometimes feel like my heart was riped out of my chest or I am having a heart attack. I know I need to concentrate on what made this happen, but I am consumed with what they did together, was it better, was she better then me, prettier? I need help before I just explode.<P>Help!!<BR>puzzled in ontario

Hi there--<P>These boards are frequented by folks trying to follow the MB principals, but I don'y think that Dr. Harley himself ever posts. You have two big issues going on...first is recovering from the affair, second of course is the child.<P>There is a lot of info here on both topics.<BR>Ypu might start with these articles, and then go on to read and/or post on the infidelity area and the pregnancy/child area. Most posters are married, but some are not, so don't let that stop you.<P>Good luck!<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html</A>

All your questions are normal. If you want to maintain the honesty you asked for that revealed this affair and get some answers to these questions, you have to be calm and not attack when you get answers you don't like. And before you ask questions like this, ask yourself what would it change if you knew? Some things are better left unsaid.<P>Since you are not married and don't have children with this person, it's probably a good idea to get some help with this to decide where you want to go in the future. It's an emotional time, so it will help to have an unbiased third party around to keep things balanced.<P>What to do about the OW will depend on whether or not the child is his. It sounds like there is some doubt and that this woman is the predatory baby-having type who will do what she can to keep herself engaged. She sounds like the emotionally blackmailing variety. Unfortunately, there is no state in this country that allows any man to "sign off" on his parental rights unless the child goes up for adoption. <P>I'd check out the OC board and see what they have to say about this...

I really think, there is a lot of deception going on in your relationship. The 1st thing is you're not married to this man. on't agree with living together without the committment of marriage. You're giving him the cow for free with all access to the milk without purchasing the cow. (Southern thing) In other words, you're giving him a marriage withiut committment, andd the freedom to be with whoever he chooses.<P>Alhough you're not married to this man, I feel your pain and sympathize with you. Now is a good time for an ultimatum. Evaluate where the relationship is going, and how are you going to trust him in the future.<P>You're having chest pains now, just imagine if you were married to him, you would be more devastated. <P>The Bible states, Put no trust in no man, God only should you trust. Yes, I'm married; however, my husband is aware of how I view trust versus committment. I believe that some people can be married without trust, and they have a committed spouse what will not cheat or break their vows. Some people may disagree; but I am one of those people. I'm speaking from experience and I'm living it daily. I don't trust anyone. Inappropriate situation arises. We all are unaware what we would do in certain situations. You have no idea what you would or would not do until it arises. Sometimes the questions aren't necessary about trust. Committment is a primary key. <P>I am totally committed to God and to my marriage. Can my husband tust me? Yes, but he shouldn't. Am I committed? Of course, I love GOD and my husband, and I'm on my way to Heaven.<BR>