Ok, how do i handle this one?<BR>H's best friend lived with us for several months when we first got married. My H WORSHIPED the guy, and I, being very young and suggestible, did too, not knowing that any attention i was paying to "friend" was attention lost to my H (who's main needs are affection and admiration). "friend" really spent a long time talking with me, and bought us some very expensive household items, as we had just moved and were cash-strapped. He never could understand why i married H--what would a young thang like me see in him? (they were both around 50, and "friend" has never been married..I am H's 4th wife).<BR>"friend" went to some effort to get in between us, telling each of us terrible things about the other (remember junior high? just like that), and spending LOTS of time alone with me, and H claims "friend" made some effort to get him and OW alone on many occasions.<BR>Basically, the guy really meddled in our lives. <BR>On several occasions, he hugged and touched me in front of H, and H took this as the universal man signal that meant i was "friend's" property, and coupled with the storyline that he told H that i was just using him for money and babies, it looked pretty suspicious.<P>Well, I have told H a million times that i did not have an affair. I made us cut off all contact with "friend" after H's affair was discovered. I've told him how unattractive the guy was to me...how i was post partum half the time, and he was about to have major heart surgery and could not have had sex the other half of the time. How i found him to be the definition of a male chauvinist pig....<BR>NOTHING WORKS!<BR>I can't offer any proof, and OF COURSE i would deny it. <BR>What am i supposed to do? I seriously think this is one of the main reasons H is still talking to OW: revenge. But it is a fantasy/nightmare he is living, with no basis in truth.<BR>I just don't know how to handle it anymore.

LWB,<P>I don't have any answers for you on how to "fix" it. But I think that your husband is using this as a way to "justify" his affiar, like he "deserved" revenge? It is very bad thinking on his part. Knowing you didn't doesn't help a whole lot when being accused. <P>

I agree with TNT. It is very unfortunate that your H needs to aleviate his own guilt, by accusing you of the very thing that has brought you so much pain and misery. Why not offer to take a polygraph, and then when you pass it, shove the results up his [censored]? Good Luck<P>Success Story (why me)<BR>Sandy<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

success story- hmm, that's a good idea...

LWB<P>I really think that the two of you need to get into counseling, both individual and couple. Use the teachings from this site and the counseling to understand yourselves and then each other. Do Not lovebust and try real hard to understand that until things cool off that it will be hard and not a fun journey. <P>Correct me if I'm wrong but EICK is your husband? <P>The two of you need to breathe deeply and understand that right now all your nerves are stuck out through your skin and anything can and will tweak them. Be gentle and get into counseling. You need to work hard on talking and listening to each other. Good Luck and Godspeed on the journey ahead. This place will always be here for the both of you and we all care and hope for the best for all of us.<P><BR>I have made the decision to start to live my life again.<P><BR>Your Friend <P>John<BR>

very observant, johnV.<BR>H is in counseling, and has invited me to come along, week after next. I think he is getting a lot out of it, and I can't wait to go.<BR>We have a lot to work through, obviously.

I think the sequence of events might be important, and I am too close to comment, but if your "affair" took place before H's, maybe it is important, because while it is not justification, it is an added twist. Also, in my case, and maybe in yours, there was a history of being betrayed so the expectation was already in place. I doubt of anything would have ever happened in my case had the history not been there. Interesting question. Well, look at your whole picture and see if this data is helpful. EICK

someone betraying you in the past does not give you the green light to ignore problems in your marriage, not ask your W if she IS being unfaithful, and have a revenge affair tht lasts for 18 months, even after discovery, while continuing to blame your wife for your behavior.<BR>JMHO

lWb, <P>Remember my H obsessing about the date I went on? I was completely honest with him about every aspect, but he still swore that I had sex! LOL He has been like this for as long as I've known him. <P>He actually has taught me how to recognize when a situation crosses the line of what's appropriate. He would point out times where I had allowed myself to behave in a way that might be misunderstood, like letting a single guy give me a backrub while I shared my feelings about my horrible marriage (it only happened ONCE ). <P>No matter what he believes, what's important is your willingness to rebuild your marriage right now. This can be resolved later, and shouldn't be used as a way to lovebust (on you). It's possible that he REALLY believes this and is hurting. I think you can address the pain he is in without discussing the validity of his belief.<P>OR he may be justifying his behavior. Still shouldn't be lovebusting!<P>Hang in there! Sometimes I think my H believes I cheat on him because that's what HE does. <P>Lizbeth

I know, in his mind, it really happened, it looked like it happened, and it hurt him really bad. I've acknowledged that. I've apologized. It was a LOOOOOONG time ago.<BR>If he had spent a month or 2 with OW, i could understand, but sheesh, he's STILL talking to her, and bringing up this perceived situation as justification.<BR>He keeps calling me controling...i guess i am, im not sure, but i am beginning to wonder, is HE the one controlling me?<P><p>[This message has been edited by love WAS blind (edited August 31, 1999).]

Love was blind,<P>If husband is on the forum, I would qualify that as a lovebuster.<P>Be careful not to poke fun at hubby on this forum! <P>Thanks.<BR>Connie

tnt, gotcha

After I found out about my husband's one night stand, I of course was accused of having affairs.<P>I think it was a way for him to not take the blame and to hide his guilt. It's easier to blame someone else for your problems then to look at yourself and admit that you may have caused the heartache.<P>Maybe this friend liked you and your husband was just afraid of the attention that you were giving the friend. Some men don't understand that you can be friends with a man and not have any romantic feelings for them.<P>i guess it hurts their egos. Just hang in there and maybe get him into counseling.<P>Good luck.