I was in a relationship for three years with a man. Our first year together was a 1000 miles apart, I left with much encouragement from him that is was for life, to live with him in his state. I have wanted more commitment from him in the last year and he says he is unsure of what he wants. I have decided to move back to where I lived before. We have somewhat ended it like we are going on with our lives but he would like to stay in touch and maybe even see each other once in awhile. He even mentioned that there still is a chance he would change his mind and feel more sure about asking me to marry him. The last year we lived together was stressful for me because of the unsureness of "us" and I think that put a damper on things. I even admitted to him that I felt things were not good either between us. We admit to each that we still love each other. Is there really a chance for us or do you think he is just confused and not ready for commitment. He did mention that if and when he would decide to court me and win me over he would have to come to me this time!

Hi Kaffer -<P>I went through something similar a few years ago. I was seeing someone for about a year and a half when he broke it off, which at the time came as a complete surprise, and I was devastated. We stayed in contact, which was difficult, I can honestly say it was the worst 16 months I hope I ever experience. More difficult even that the death of my father when I was 17, because when someone you love leaves you through death, you know they had no choice, but when someone you love chooses to leave you? Pain.<P>At first, I hung around, clinging to hope that he would change his mind. Eventually I toughened up and left him alone, and wouldn't you know it, not long after he realized how much he missed me? We got back together almost 4 years ago now, and we getting married next June 29. <P>When I read your post I thought of two possibilities: first, that he was pretty sure it was over between the two of you, but he wanted to hang onto you a while, just in case, or second that he was just unsure or scared of a larger committment.<P>Whichever is true, I can tell you as one who's been there: getting him back is not, should not, can not be your goal! He has even told you he would have to be the one to come to you - and for your peace of mind that is the way it needs to be, not you pursuing him - or else how will you be sure of his love and loyalty down the road? <P>If you do decide to stay in touch with this man, it does at least keep the lines of contact open, which I had thought would help improve the chances of reconciliation - but as it turned out in my case, sometimes a complete separation is needed.<P>I wish I had more helpful advice....

younglove, how long was that period between the time you 'eventually toughened up' and he realized that it was you he wanted to be with?<BR>And before that, when you were in contact for 16 months, how often were you too in contact?

Hi all,<P>Well, I am married and have been married for 17 years. I am now going through a divorce. I just wanted to say when my husband and I were first together, we lived together for two years. It was only after moving out and moving back home did he ask me to marry him. I probably still wouldn't be married to him today if I would have continued living with him. <P>I feel if a man really wants you, then once you move out he'll either choose to marry you or move on. I have seen people who live with someone for years and that person never make a commitment. Then all of a sudden one breaks up with the other, and all of a sudden within a very short period, meets falls in love with and marries another person. This is so hurtful to the other person who wanted a commitment and he/she wouldn't give it to them but all of a sudden, would to a person they barely know.<P>Also, to those of you who aren't married I would say this. I was so young, I wasn't even considering the qualities I needed in a husband at the time. Now that I have it to do over again. I hope to not make the mistakes I did when I was 19. I want to find a man that not just says all the time "what are you doing to make me happy?" but one that also says "what do I need to do to make her happy?" "What are her needs?" <P>I wanted so much for him to ask me to marry me. Why? I don't understand now, looking back. Please make sure the person you are living with or wanting to marry has the qualities to make a good husband. You may think he will grow up and get better, but more than likely if he isn't meeting your needs now, things will just get worse, over time resentment and anger will build because you will be the giver and he will be the taker.<P>Take care all and good luck.<P>ANNA

WHen you say the "unsurity of us" I assume you mean marriage. Hon, even marriage can't guarantee you both to forever. Nothing can. It sounds like you both had a good relationship, unti lthe M word came up, and then he seemed to back off. Ha! A lot of people do, those who have suffered divorced parents, seen divorces in friends, or are just plain ol' afraid of "loving the same person forever".<BR>If you can both talk about his fears, and discuss what is scaring him, then tere can be understanding eventually.<BR>BUT, right now, he feels probably a little pressured, and you don't understand why he pulled away, do you? If he loves you, committing to marriage is a larger step in love but one to not take lightly. If he IS having concerns, talk about it with him.<BR>I wouldn't waste what sounds to be like a good relationship because his timing is a little slower, and he is hesitant about marriage. Is he a guy who likes to take the lead? He could also be turned off by being told to ask for marriage, even in a nice way. Maybe he has thought abotu it himself, but when you verbalized it, it hit him harder than expected. I was with my H for four years before we were engaged..a long time for me, and I used to ask him "when are we getting married" and he would shrug and say he wants to take it slow and committ.<BR>With that statement, I felt rejected and unsure of what he meant by that, but I soon understood it didn't mean he wasn't thinking of a future with me, but "HE" wasn't ready..had not much to do with me at all.<BR>If that makes sense [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Do you think it would be a good idea to give a hesitant boyfriend a christmas/birthday present like Dr. Harley's book "The Four Gifts of Love"?<P>I really think my ex-but-we're-negotiating-boyfriend should get to know the basic concepts, but i'm kinda terrified that he'll get upset that I posted our whole history on the Internet...

The toughest thing I have ever had to deal with was having the strongest love imaginable but being in a relationship which I wasn't happy in. It ended up being 2 & 1/2 years serious, I moved away for 1 year. It was off, then she visited and it was back on. Then off again. I moved back and it was on/off for another 6 months. Then just friends for another 6 months. <P>I learnt that I'll never replace that love, it was unbreakable, but that love didn't translate into a satisfying relationship, although she really thought it was. <P>Even staying just friends broke my heart. I knew that we weren't going to end up together forever but I couldn't bring myself to end things with her. Just had to keep talking to her or seeing her. It took a good 3 months of no contact for me to make up my mind and move on. Toughest thing I ever done.

That's a very brave thing you did, Martymore.<P>How are you doing nowadays?