I come here for some advice in letting go. I am 33 but my first gboyfriendh was my schoolteacher and he introduced me the sexual life by the age of 28. I had a fantasy dream of getting married untouched and that was my goal until I moved to a different country and meet the teacher. I was alone, lonely and could not speak a work of Englishc<BR>Anyway, he was 15 years older than me, didnft really want any commitment with me (even talking about that sometimes) and the end of the relationship that lasted for three months was really traumatic for me. I moved on with my life and didnft have anyone for three years felling bad about myself after the first one.<BR>I had a successful life, friends and good job and was enjoying my life a lot. My boss was one of my best friends who I could talk about anything and didnft miss a male figure in my life. Ifve lost my father by the age of 5 and had a really unfriendly stepfather. Maybe somehow I was looking for the warm father figurec.<BR>I had conflicts with my boss-friend and got depressed and got involved with a Spanish Playboy who I lived together for 2 moths. He moved in to my place because he didnft have anywhere to go. He was younger and at first I didnft like him very much but after a while started to like him. He was selfish and didnft make me happy. I had to do everything for him and he would never think of me or do something to please me.<BR>He moved out after three months and after 4 months I meet my former boyfriend. He was my very best friend. We have lots in common, had lots of fun but he came from a breakup marriage with young kid and didnft want commitment, and I came from unstable relationships and want to have a stable onec We had lots of problems from beginning till end. Just when we didnft think or talk about our relationship we didnft fightc.<BR>I become very insecure because of my previous sort relationships and he wanted the freedom that he didnft have during marriagec We really loved each other and I came to my home country, he was supporting me over the phone during the first difficult month, we wanted to never stay apart and he joined me after 6 months. After 4 months living together again he told me he didnft love me anymore. It was a shock. Wefve decided to stay together until quite established, he didnft have a job, I was getting better, and finally after 6 months living together even knowing he didnft love me anymore he moved out because of my request.<BR>I canft forget him and we had physical contacts until the last day with passion. I know he cares about me but he says he doesnft love me. I donft keep in contact with him but he is always in my mind.<BR>Please help me to let him go.<BR>

Maia,<P>Hello there. Your post made me feel very sad. I'm sorry you've had some bad experiences with relationships and the loss of your father. Relationships are hard. I am 31, soon to be 32 so we are about the same age. I am also unmarried. <P>I'm unsure but it sounds like you're back in your country (not the U.S.), did I understand this right? I'm not sure how different your culture might be...maybe you can tell me about this. How do people date and get married in your culture?<P>Do you have any female friends where you are at now? I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and lonely. I hope you will provide more information Maia.<P>Take care,<P>HM

Hi HM,<P>Thank you for your message. I am Japanese born raised in Brasil and lived in Australia. I had a childhood in a very warm environment, seing people in love, falling in love getting married and when things are not exactly the way they expected, still try to work things out... My former boyfriend is Australian, and since I was in Australia, had culture shock problems due to how they express feelings very much close to British way. I almost had to adjust myself and my family even call me a very cold person comparing to Brasilians... I just want to know how long it takes to give up. How the feelings changes from the day to another. I was reading Dalai Lama's book and he says that love and compassion is a commitment. Not I love you because you are beautiful or because you are nice. I live you even when you are terrible because I commited to learn and work with you. I had commited myself to this guy with the hope that he whould be my only one and last in my life. I don't like moving from one person to another... I wanted to be with him and grow together and get old together.<BR>How come he came after me in Japan and in three months love faded away.? I know he had culture shock problems but that should make us strong....<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Maia,<P>I wrote you a long reply and lost it-argh! <P>I'm glad to hear that you grew up with some good examples of happiness and good relationships. I wasn't sure since you lost your father so young and since your stepfather was cold. This is something in your favor that not everyone has!<P>You've been a brave soul, eh? Traveling and exploring the world and encountering a lot of aloneness I'd imagine (having moved to different areas twice myself and knowing nobody). Good for you! and I'm sure it adds to your perspective on people and life. I too speak from my own perspective and life and so take what I say as thoughts shared and use whatever seems to fit for you. <P>As far as why things didn't work out with your boyfriend who moved to Japan with you...that's a tough one. Relationships and human beings are very complicated, aren't we? Sometimes relationships grow and become stronger through conflict or problems and sometimes they don't work out and end. We as individuals have the choice personally whether to grow stronger and deeper through these things irregardless of whether or not the relationship does. OBVIOUSLY you and he both had very strong and deep feelings for each other. I can understand why you were so hurt. I would imagine he was confused and hurt too. <P>These things happen in life and I applaud you in your other circumstance for asking the gentleman to leave where you choose what you had with him was not what you wanted. I truly believe your love is deserving of more than you have received. You seem like a very loyal and tender person (I am very loyal as well and I can relate to many of your feelings and yearnings). My concern is that you protect yourself emotionally making choices of people who are worthy of your love. In the Bible it talks about out of the heart come the issues of life and that it should be protected. Dating relationships can be very difficult, but as you can see from this website marriage relationships are at least as difficult. Our past experiences can prepare us for a wonderful future. <P>I would encourage you to think about what you've learned from you past relationships this is part of moving on. It may take some time to completely move on from this one guy, but things weren't right and there's somebody better out there for you. I can tell you this because I've gone through this myself. As you mature and others mature you become stronger and more prepared for what's ahead. <P>My other message was much better than this one, but I have tried to capture the gist of it. Wish I had more time to write at this moment Maia. <P>I would encourage you to find ways (other than just work) to live your life-getting involved with life and interacting with it. This will allow you to meet others, get support, and make new friendships as well--or perhaps since you are in Japan now maybe you can rally your current resources for support during this time.<P>Take care Maia,<P>HM

Hi HM,<P>Thank you very much for your reply. I was angry and disappointed when I first came to this site. For the past week, I didnft want really to go out to clubs the way I was planning neither to ghunth a replacement as soon as possible. That is not because I still have expectations towards my ex but it was not what I really wanted. Also I felt a need to isolate myself from my friends who shared my previous painful stage of instability in the relationship, whom advised me to make him move out from my place.<BR>I just didnft want to talk about him even when I still think about him.<BR>I have joined a gym and I am going there every day for a couple of hours. New faces and light conversation. I have decided to not talk about it.<BR>I have bought a book that I am reading and it is kind of curious how Western beliefs differs from Oriental beliefsc<BR>Even regarding to find a way to cure spiritual and emotional painsc Western doctors will analyze the past, evaluate and talk about it and keep talking. That is the influence of the science and the logic that everything has an explanation. Oriental medicine for the pain is replacing it with the present joy. Forget about the past and move forward.<BR>Do not talk about it just forget and give chances for the present and future.<BR>I really understand that because most of my arguments and disagreements with my ex are due to the differences of Western and Occident ways of thinking. I just forgot about our disagreements but he kept going back, wanted to talk about it etcc<BR>Also in the book they mentioned about the difference of Happiness and Pleasure.<BR>Pleasure last for seconds and Happiness foreverc.<BR>I am learning a lot and somehow (even when I still think and miss the relationship) I am glad that finished.<BR>Somehow what I am learning now would never been learned if I was happy in the relationship.<BR>Thanks to you to this entire Website and also to my ex.<BR>Best wishes<BR>Maia<BR>

I would suggest that you try <A HREF="http://www.dating.com" TARGET=_blank>www.dating.com</A> <P>You deserve a good, stable relationship and do<BR>not take the first that comes along<P>Study <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> patiently and slowly<P>Find a counsellor prefereable a minister in your<BR>area who you can trust and can teach you and guide<BR>you on your relationship areas so you can learn<BR>not to make the same mistakes again<P>It is very important that you do not try to go into<BR>a new relationship on your own without counselling<BR>again <P>You have a lot to study before trying again and <BR>getting hurt<P>Because you are trying your best but do not know<BR>enough like most of us and need training in <BR>what to do and not to do What to allow and not<BR>to allow<P>Please give some thought to my advice and find<BR>a relationship counsellor<P>Do not rush off again trying to find Mr Right<P>Instead you will be Miss Hurt Again<P>Find a Church nearby and a Minister you can<BR>talk to immediately and be serious about<BR>preparing for a good strong relationship<P>Take out books from the library about<BR>relationships<P>And get into a counselling group for<BR>people with the same problem as you<P>As you learn and grow stronger, you will<BR>see the difference and gain respect and<BR>confidence you need and wisdom before<BR>making the same mistakes over again<P>I wish you all the best and remember<BR>Jesus Loves You<P>Carol<BR>

Thank you for the advice Carol!<BR>I know you're right!<BR>Best wishes<BR>Maia