My parents are objecting to my "live-in" boyfriend. I'm 44 yrs old!! We've been living together for the past 6 months and plan to get married as soon as its financially possible. Now we are feeling pressured to "honor my parents" to get married, or live a life in hell. <BR> How do I handle this situation? I don't want to rush into another relationship until we are both ready. I'm divorced, after 22 yrs of a bad marriage, and my bf has never been married and has no children. I have two grown sons, on their own. What is the christian thing to do here??? Thanks

I'm truly trying not to offend, here. . .<BR>You asked "what's the christian thing to do?" I'm sure you know that already. . . The christian thing to do would have been to get married PRIOR to living together. Being that it's already too late for that, you should get married as quickly as possible. <BR>You use money as the reason for not getting married--money is an imaginary obstacle, a minister would be happy to come to your home some evening for a small private ceremony. <BR>Money is used as an excuse, when you're not really sure yet--don't fall into the trap of letting time pass as you wait to accumulate enough money, when you're really waiting to accumulate enough trust and love.<BR>I feel for you. . .

Yes, you are right, it would be the christian thing to get married asap. Maybe "our" excuse is money, but I do not want to "support" another man, so I feel that we should wait until my bf has a job. The place where he was employed for the past 12 yrs just went out of business, so today is his first day unemployed. I don't want to make any more foolish mistakes. So, it isn't the matter of needing the money to get married, its the matter of having money afterwards to survive. I know that once he gets a job that it'll be soon afterwards that we get married, and if not, then what do I do? He hasn't really even proposed yet!

Giggles,<BR>Get him out of your house!! If you love him - get him out quick!!! Living together is just like marriage - it is not any easier to get out of. The pain of divorce is the emotional crash and the financial unmixing - you have both of those when you live together and try to break up. If you cannot be honest - use your parents objection. Use the Christian thing. Use whatever you have to but get this living together thing nipped in the bud!!!! By accident I am living with my bf and if I had it to do over - I would have gone a lot slower - My guy asks almost weekly for me to marry him and I will not say yes. - I am gun shy. But if I were not living with him I might be singing a different tune - I see him every day - sleep in his arms most every night. I have all the good and am privy to all the bad - why should I jump off the fence. I can see the for worse - OOOOHHHHH. and I have the for better. What more is there to gain right now. I do not want a child right now. So what would be the rush - why would I have to say yes? <P>If you do not know - get him out of the house<BR>If you want him to ask - I HATE THIS BUT IT'S TRUE - STOP GIVING THE MILK FOR FREE!!!!!!

Hi heikefrank69<BR>But I am the one that begged him to move in with me! Its not that I have changed my mind, its that we are feeling pressured to "tie the knot" before we are able to. Does that make any sense? What does the comment mean, "Stop giving the milk for free??" Never heard that before, please explain...

Well, I guess I would have to know why you asked him to move in. <P>If he lives with you and he is not working - aren't you paying his way? What would be the diff if married?<P>The saying ..... I'm sorry - It's one my grandparents and father loved to use, In full it is - "Why would they buy the cow if they are getting the milk for free." In other words why would he propose if he has you as a wife in every other sense - what's in it for him he is not already getting?<P>But if you just don't want to get married - Fine - tell everybody else to but out. I thought you were saying you wanted to but he has not proposed and he doesn't have a job so you havent pushed cause you don't want a dead beat husband.<P>What is it that YOU want? Marriage or No?<P><p>[This message has been edited by heikefrank69 (edited July 02, 2001).]

He had a job when he moved in, he just lost his job a month ago. Yes, we both want to get married when the time is right - neither of us want to get pushed into getting married though, and that is what my mother is trying to do. And that is my question - how can I handle my mother without dishonoring her?? According to her, I am already dishonoring her just by living with him. I just want her to let go, to let me live my life, make my own mistakes, etc. I did the "other" way - with my first marriage - and that ended up horribly, and why was that?? Because I didn't "know" the man I was marrying. I didn't "know" he was an alcholic, was a control freak, user, and had sexual addiction, plus many more problems. I only knew the side of him that he wanted me to know/see until he had me "trapped". I don't want to get "trapped" again until the time is right and we know everything about each other. I have seen things already in my bf that I didn't realize before, but they're nothing that would make me want to end the relationship. That is why I can't understand why everyone is so opposed to living together before marriage, to me its what I need to do at this time in my life. <BR> T

I am sure it is difficult having your mom feel this way<P>Perhaps the two of you can imagine how it is for her feeling the way she does can tell her you are both moving out<P>The Christian thing is to get married but you cannot just go and do that<P>I would also encourage that you two get married quietly and tell all afterwards as you must start getting more privacy in your life<P>It seems also what your mom is looking for so it would be advisable to make a move as soon as possible<P>Start packing and tell her that you are going to make a move<P>That should swing the winds away from the two of you where she is outrightedly objecting<P>I urge you to seek straight away a Church and a minister who can communicate with both of you in a professional manner and help you both to prepare for marriage in the right way so that you can both reap the benefits of the good preparation when you get married<P>The way you handle your prep right now is very important and will definitely pay off in dividends later on<P>But find a good church and minister<P>Carol<BR>

Thats a good idea, I'll speak to my bf about it, once he gets around to proposing. We talked about it last night, and he said the reason he hasn't proposed yet is because he hasn't found a ring for me yet. So, once he proposes then we'll begin premarital classes with our minister. <BR> I think you misunderstood though about my mom, we don't live "with" her, she lives about 100 miles from us, just sounds like it though doesn't it? LOL I guess she just doesn't want to see me get hurt again...but I don't want that either!