I have been with my future H for 4 yrs and we have lived together for 2. Recently I got a new job and a brand new car. He really didn't want me to take this job but I felt like I was doing the best thing. He told me to do what made me happy. This job is 45 miles from my home and I needed a new car. He said he wasn't willing to pay for another car (he wants a truck). I went behind his back just to see if I could afford a new car by myself. It turned out that I could afford it. The man from the car lot called my house and my FH was very angry. He decided that I had already decided this matter without him. He told me to do whatever and I got the car because I needed it. Now he feels like I am doing everything in my life without him. I still think I did the right thing by taking the job and I couldn't get out of the car if I wanted to. I really needed it anyway. We had a big fight recently and I left. The next day I was back and he has been trying to make it easier by getting rid of things that were causing problems. I feel like I should do something to make it easier but I don't know what to do. Somebody help!

Well, let's take this a bit at a time.<P>1) are you into the policy of joint agreement thing? check it out. . . It seems more difficult than it is. If it seems to difficult, try a "toned down" policy of joint agreement. (the policy requires that both partners enthusiastically agree. my "toned down" version requires that while both may not be all that enthusiastic about it, they have discussed it and if one partner is not so happy about it, he does have to agree to it, and agree to not make waves about it afterward.) This will eliminate things in the future, like catching flak from taking the job, because he said "do whatever," but wasn't really meaning it. Or ditto with the car.<P>2) what do you mean by "getting rid of things?" I'm not sure if you mean physical items that you've gotten rid of to make life more affordable, or if you mean getting rid of (or not bringing up) emotional issues or conflicts etc. <P>3) the only thing I can suggest for your part, to "make things easier," is to have a discussion with your other half. discuss that you know you've done things that he's unhappy with, but the reason you did them was ________. (Be sure to mention to him that when he tells you to just do what makes you happy, he leaves you between a roch and a hard place--in that case, you're either doing something that displeases him, or you're not doing something that will in your opinion have a great benefit to your situtation together. . .How are you supposed to choose the right thing to do without his help, assistance, discussion, input, etc.?) Tell him that you don't want to feel like you are just doing things your way, but that you are doing things in such a way that benefits the two of you. Discuss mutual agreement with him. <P>Maybe if you explained a little more what you mean by "getting rid of things," I could be more helpful . . .<BR>--3H

He had a very loud stereo system in the old car. I never really liked it but I dealt with it for 7 months. When I got the new car, he wanted to put the system in it. I told him the car was too new and I didn't want him to blow the factory speakers. When I left he sold the speaker and is still trying to sell the stereo and amp. He is not only helping our financial problems but also trying to take some of the problems out of our relationship. He also told me that he would stop drinking during the work week which we also fight about. The compromise is he can drink on the weekends.<BR>

For more info I also have been posting on emotional needs.