I have been living with my fiancee for three months. Our relationship is a difficult one, and in discussing the dynamics with a couple of close friends, I am told that the troubles are almost entirely due to my behavior. I am determined to change.<p>After my (most recent) ex-wife left me, I found this Website and tried to use the principles discussed here to save that marriage, without success - because my ex had at that point given up on working with me, and definitely wanted OUT of the marriage.<p>I moved in with my current s/o, who was my best friend at the time, because of intense economic pressure - it was my most viable alternative to becoming homeless. Somewhat to our surprise, we very quickly fell intensely in love, so what started out as me using a room in her house suddenly turned into being a live-with lover. Yes, we made a decision to allow this to happen. We are adults, and we take responsibility for our actions.<p>However, we have both been very serious about each other from the start, and we both desire a lifelong partnership. I asked her to marry me, and she readily accepted my proposal. But she insists on waiting to get married until she can do it the way she wants to. Since her economic situation is barely better than mine, it may be some time before that is feasible. But to borrow Dr. Harley's words, we have made an agreement to care for each other for life, and we intend to stick to it.<p>My level of self-awareness needs improvement. Even after having my fiancee explain repeatedly how my behavior irritates, hurts, and distresses her, and having this emphasized by the friends I have talked with, it is hard for me to recognize what I am doing, and harder still to change it. It's almost as if I can't imagine being any other way than how I am.<p>And because it seems difficult for me to recognize and identify my harmful behavior, I am constantly in fear that I will inadvertently say or do (or have said or done) something that will cause problems. I do not want to hurt the one I love, and I fear to shatter or undermine the fragile moments of delight in one another's company that we do often enjoy.<p>I tend to be overly sensitive, prone to overreaction, irrationally insecure, and excessively analytical. Though I am not physically violent, I have a quick temper and sometimes say and do things that I regret later when my perspective returns. My expectations seem to be extreme and unrealistic - when the relationship turns out at times to be less than ecstatic, I tend to conclude that losing her is imminent and almost inevitable. I tend to perceive slights that are unintended, and to take constructive criticism as an attack on my fundamental value as a human being.<p>I am told that I'm not a very good listener. I guess that means that I have trouble believing and acting on things that I just don't understand, and my fiancee's ideas about how many things should be done are rather alien to me. Our causes for conflict are almost all things that were irrelevant to our relationship until we decided to become life partners. We were raised differently and have led very different lives.<p>I often feel like claiming "brain dysfunction" as the reason for many of my problems, and actually that may have some validity. But the question seems to be, am I willing to fight this, whatever it is, hard enough to effectively protect my beloved and our relationship from being seriously damaged by it - while, at least at first, I don't expect much if any relief from the feelings that tend to drive my damaging behavior.<p>I have had too many failed relationships, and DO NOT desire to add one more. I am most seriously interested in making this one last a lifetime - and making it pleasant, and not miserable, for the one I love.<p>Objectively, it certainly looks as if our relationship will be an uphill battle, but due to the love and commitment I feel toward my fiancee, I can accept the difficulty, and am determined to strive my hardest to make this relationship work. I plan to make use of Dr. Harley's advice to the fullest extent possible, and I hope my beloved will agree to do that as well, though I am willing to take the initiative. If she doesn't feel initially motivated to do things the marriagebuilders way, perhaps she will change her mind if she sees me change dramatically for the better.<p>I will welcome any suggestions (other than "give up, save yourself, bail out"!), and I humbly request the kind support of this community. Any type of help, including prayers, will be appreciated. (Send money! lol) And don't suggest formal counseling or psychoactive medication, because I can't afford them.<p>Warm regards, "Liam"<p>[ November 27, 2001: Message edited by: Montana Transplant ]</p>

Wow, I really depressed myself by writing that. It kind of puts the worst possible face on what I have going on - which was not actually my intent, and I think makes for an unfairly biased presentation. Attitude means so much in any undertaking. Gee, that message portrayed a very negative attitude, didn''t it?<p>Of course, there is another side to my personality and character, that I did not portray in the prev msg - which includes all the reasons my fiancee and I fell in love and decided to join our lives together.<p>I think there is a lot of hope for improvement in our relationship, if we can learn to approach matters calmly and avoid overreacting.<p>For example, she is out of town ATM, visiting friends and taking care of personal business. She called to tell me about the activities of one of her friends, some of which activities I find distasteful. I mentioned my bias, quite tactfully I thought, and not at all in the spirit of making a big deal of it; nevertheless, my doing so threw a big damper over the remainder of the conversation, and probably shortened it by about an hour.<p>SEVERAL HOURS LATER, I realized that what I had said caused offense. I sat down and wrote her a lengthy email about it, which in the beginning contained tones of outrage. However, as I worked on the message, my attitude softened, and after I finished putting down all my thoughts, I edited the message and carefully removed or changed all words and phrases that I thought might tend to escalate the problem. I believe I made the final product a warm appeal for forgiveness and understanding, laced with a couple of positive suggestions, and displaying an optimistic attitude. After reading the message a couple of times, imagining myself on the receiving end of it, I pressed the Send button. Now, I can only hope for the best.

Boy, you sound like someone I know and love very much especially this part<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote>

Obviously, I do not know how to use the functions of this message board, my point missing, you are also too loveable. Hang in there and work on the listening, and you are right....there must be some reason other than convience that she fell in love with you.

i am exactly the same way. the way you described yourself fits me to a tee. my problem is. i am 20. never married. and was engaged. we were so in love. and i think we still are. the charecteristics you described slowly destroyed our relationship. she tried to tell me she was unhappy. i listened, but thought it would work out. she put up with it for months. steadily growing more distant. i recently returned home from over seas. she told me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. we had been unhappy for quite some time. but, we loved each other too much to let go. well, she finally let go. i just didnt make herb happy anymore. the thing is, i've changed. no really. but, she doesn't want to see me. so how am i supposed to let her know? we also said that we would love each other forever. its really hard, letting go of someone you love so much. i will wait for her. i really think that we will get back together. my question is: the traits you used to describe yourself, the ones i also posses, how can they be broke? they do nothing but cause stress and heartache. if we ever do get back together, i want to make her happy. and she says that the things that made her unhappy are exactly what you described. good luck! god bless!

Well heres my suggestion and it is the same one i made to the woman i had lived with for 3 years before she moved out after being caught having an online affair with her high school boyfriend. Come to an agreement to take and work on one chapter per week of his needs and her needs putting it into practice into your life at the end of 12 or 13 weeks come together and discuss where your relationship is . The hardest part about what your doing even finacially speaking is not having the commitment from one anothe to be married not get married creates its own set of problems . I like you loved her dearly she moved in with me for the same reason you mentioned moving in with her,I alos asked her to marry me last june and gave her a ring and she said yes. we had one big fight last december and by feb she quit wearing my ring and then in october completely moved out leaving me stranded . I have been out of work for 5 months and I am loosing my home. So imagine how loosing her also has added to the depression. If we were married I truly believe she would still be here. <p>Good Luck John

Montana transplant,
Your relationship sounds very similar to the way my h & I met, fell in love. We did go ahead and get married after a year and a half living together (we were both scared to death) - all we knew was we loved each other and couldn't live without one another (and not financially, though we both were in bad shape, it was the soulmate connection).
I don't regret getting married at all, I do regret the circumstances we were in at the time and with which we found each other. We both had MUCH baggage from previous relationships that came to light after marriage. We were pretty much on a downward spiral until we separated and then found this website.
We are back together - both have worked hard and made changes. It's slow, you can't do a radical overhaul overnight. But you keep working on it - I thought John's post was very good - one step at a time and slowly keep working on the LB and EN. You CAN do it! We have - and it is turning our marriage around. I would not get married unless I knew from the bottom of my heart that I loved this person with all my being AND with the knowledge that this is the biggest commitment I will ever make - my No 1 priority. And then commit and do WHATEVER it takes to make the relationship work. My best wishes to you - you can make changes if you really want to. We have - and continue to work on it. Let us know how things go.

Dear MT
Are you a relative? Man my lady tells me the same things. I figure right now that its all the crap we have on our plates right now. If you read my topic on this web site you'll understand why. The biggest thing I find that works is defining your roles in the relationship. It starts with trust, I trust my better half and trust her when she says that she has everything under control when it comes to her problems. I find my problems is I care what happens to her and I believe that her ex is going to screw her somehow but I must have faith in her ablities. So far she hasn't let me down. I'll you the advice she gives me "RELAX!!" Reconize like I do that sometimes its not you and her but the things going on around you that put either you or her in a bad dispositions. I have all the same problems with myself as you do but I have a good freind in a local minister(woman) and I been trying to work out my problems and it will take time and understanding on both parts. My girl loves me and we plan to stick together, and that we have through some dark days of late. Talk to her and do alot of crow eating when you put your foot in it. Also understand where she has been to understand her now.
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