Help- D-day 1 on 10/15/01. Wife not in love w/ me for 2 years. A was for 1.5 years. Have been Plan Aing for 1 month. D-day 2 on 12/15/01.(15th is unlucky days for me). WW says she is now committed to making this work. Just had 1 more fling w/ OM. Is she comitted or scared of divorce and what she will lose. ($,children,home). I do still love her & want to work on this but I cannot go through this again. It has ripped my heart out. I want so badly to believe her but I am confused. Do I ask her to move out and prove her commitment or try to keep working on Plan A? Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated.

I suggest that you read carefully what you have written. You state that your wife has been out of love with you for 2 years. She continued to have an affair for a 1 1/2 years until she was caught in October. She gets caught again two days later saying she wanted another fling with the OM but now says she is committed to the marriage.
I am afraid she has consistently disrespected, lied, cheated and humiliated you. I would not take her word for anything. She was caught in October and continued. No doubt she is worried about her financial situation. I doubt that she would not continue to cheat with this man. You gave her an opportunity when she was caught the first time and now she is caught two days ago. Clearly she will continue to cheat with this guy. Her comment to justify her latest affair in that she said she wanted one last fling is ridiculous.
I have a question for you. Why would you want to be with a woman like this who clearly does not love you and does not seem to care how much pain she inflicts on you. You know that she will continue this behavior. How much are you willing to have yourself disrespected by your wife. It sounds like you do not have a marriage but rather a financial relationship. I think you deserve so much more in your life than being with this selfish unremorseful person. I wish you luck.

Let me say that she is committed to trying to make the relationship work. She does not promise where this will go or if it can work out but will try. She had never said this before. I am not sure if it is any more meaningful. <p>Why would I want her? I love her and know that I neglected her EN for a while. I truely love her and what we had. It is not easy to think about giving that up. I like to think that with commitment of both parties that we can get a great relationship back. Both parties have now said that they are willing to work on it. It seems like progress to me? <p>Thank you for your response and advice. It is nice to at least talk to someone about my confusion.<p>MJ

I did not mean to come across as harsh and yes it does seem like progress. I would suggest a couple of things. This is a must. You both must start marriage conseling. She must promise you that there will be contact period with the OM. If the OM is married you may wish to contact his spouse.
Make it clear to your wife that you will do everything possible to meet her needs and that you expect her to do the same. Let your family and friends be aware you both are making a stronger committment to your marriage. Make it clear that if she again is unfaithful you will contact a lawyer and divorce her. If she is serious and you are serious then it can be done. If she is not serious then I am sure she will slip up and you will catch her again.
I know that this will sound hard but I really suggest you and your wife get tested. I had a friend recently in a similar situation and after they decided to work on the marriage he contacted genital herpes from his wife because of her affair. In short, I think you should take her to the party but dance near the door. I wish you luck.

Bryanp-<p>Nothing is as harsh as what WW has done. Don't sweat the advice. That is what we are here for anyway. <p>Update: We are in MC and have been for about 1 month. She doesn't think it is doing anything for her. But will keep trying. She is following all of the steps to recovery but I don't think they are all sincere. Again she said that she realized recovery couldn't start until A was over and she decided to do this. But I am having trouble believing motives and actions. Is an A like an addiction? Will she want to call OM or see OM? I have told her any more contact, verbal or physical and I am through. I do not want to go through pain again. Hopefully this is not a major goof on my part but it is what I said.<p>Thanks for listening.<p>MJ

It sounds like you really know what you are doing and I want to wish you luck. Honestly I am quite surprised that she was in MC for a month and then three days ago had another fling with the OM? I can understand why she feels that counseling is doing nothing for her. It is assumed that when one goes into counseling that it will show a committment to at least try.
I would think about hiring a PI if you are later unsure of her activities. I would think about maybe seeing another counselor if your wife cheated on you during this period with this counselor. I am just dumbfounded that she would do this while you both were in counseling.
I believe in the old adage hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I would contact an attorney to understand what you should do if things do not proceed the way you wish. You need to protect yourself in the long run. I wish you success in your future.

Gone,<p>I have never replied to this board but am a veteran on the GQ and D/D boards.<p>I wish I were on my pc instead of my roomates, I have a ton of MB links on my drive. That being said...<p>Have you read through ALL of the infidelity articles at this site? IMO the Harley's have this whole thing surmised nicely. I implore you to learn about Lovebusters, Plan-A and Plan-B and also the Four Rules to a Successful Marriage. I also suggest purchasing the books Survivng an Affair and Lovebusters.<p>What I have learned here is that in order for this work out for you you must have a recovery plan. There is a counceling center on this site and they offer counceling by phone. The Harley's really know what they are doing. I'll be happy to share any of my experience in going through infidelity.<p>Bill<p>[ December 19, 2001: Message edited by: WilliamJ ]</p>

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