I am in a dilemma, and would like advice. If your partner was having / had had an affair (emotional or sexual) would you like the OP's partner to tell you if they knew????<BR>2 cases:<P>1. H sexual affair 7 years ago - I just recently found out - OW doesn't know I know, and OW's H doesn't know. I know how angry I was when I found out, that this had been kept hidden for 7 years, with all the resulting lies and problems that couldn't be overcome, partly because of this big lie between us.<BR>Does he (OW's H) deserve to know as well? <P>2. H current emotional affair (he denies sexual involvement - I'm not sure) - He has just left home to try and deal with his feelings for OW. Has tried to tell me it was mostly "in HIS head" making her appear to be rather an innocent victim, but it seems she has / is currently playing her part all too well. She has considered and talked to him about moving out with him more than once (at the moment, has decided to stay with her H), people have noticed the warmth with which they speak to each other and commented on it, they have "deep and meaningful" conversations about how they are soulmates and what their life could be like, She hugs him to reassure him they can just be friends, etc. etc. I suggest she is participating in this just as much as he is, even if she is not presently prepared to move out, as he is. I believe both marriages may be destroyed in the end. Her husband has no idea any of this is going on - has been for almost a year - worse last 4 months. I have no desire for revenge, but am torn with a strong feeling that her H has a right to know, and not be confronted with a W and a packed suitcase, and find he has been kept in the dark for so long. Even if nothing comes of it, doesn't he have a right to know his W has been behaving like this with another married man? I mean, I would much rather know than not know my H has been acting like this with another W - explains a lot of things. Right now OW's H is being humiliated just like me, but doesn't know it. I think about this a great deal, and can't seem to resolve it.<P>I realize I would have to deal with the fallout from all this ie. response from H etc, and am not looking for revenge (for that I would target the OW + OW + my H!!!), but this moral issue is eating at me. I feel that if someone else knew about these affairs (and I didn't), and didn't tell me, I'd be really hurt and angry. - But, I don't want to cause unneccesary hurt. Opinions please!!!<p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited August 31, 1999).]

sosad: I have been wrestling with this question myself over the last few days, whether to tell the OW's H or not. He has no idea. I figured I was a little too hot under the collar to do it right now, and that's what stopped me. But rather than take action immediately, I decided to wait 3 months and see if I feel the same way. Maybe by putting it off to a later date you can feel better and not make any hasty decisions you might regret, at the same time?<P>Morally I can't say whether it's right or wrong to do it. I know I would like someone who had INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF to tell me if they knew something, but not if they didn't. But that's just the lawyer in me.<P>Good luck with your dilemma.

Thanks Cristelle, good advice about waiting, however I've had several months to think about this, so am no longer reactionary, but no closer to a decision about what is right and wrong. In the current case, I suspect waiting a few months might be too late.

personally my feelings on this issue (after two years post being cheated on) just keep getting stronger and stronger on the side of hell YES tell the other poor spouse for any affair *thats still going on*.<BR>Spouses deserve to know! and the one thing that keeps an affair an affair and that they are banking on, is the secrecy.<BR>Bring it out in the open always so it isnt an affair anymore I say. Let them deal with reality. But thats just my take and I caution you to listen to everyones opinion. Good Luck!<p>[This message has been edited by B (edited August 31, 1999).]

This is a REALLY good question and I hope that there will be some input from the "been there - done that" crowd. I am 3 months from discovery and we are 1 month into counseling and I have to admit that I'm not sure I would want to have heard this news from anyone other than my spouse. BUT I'd hate to think we were in the midst of some huge decision (job changes, expanding family, etc.)and there was this part of the equation being left out entirely. I know it takes two to tango but I also can't help but worry about the wives of the husbands with which this OW will come into contact in the future. Is this like letting a person continue to drive drunk ? She of course has asked that I NOT tell her H (her quote via my H - "please don't tell my H, he would divorce me").<P>I know this group is not shy - so let's hear it.

I think the ultimate question has to be what will this do to relationship with your h? At this point will it help it or will it put a big wedge in it? Right now the h of the ow in our case does not know as far as we know(they have moved) and I have no intention of telling him. I figure that is between him and his wife and I am way to involved in the situation to tell him objectively. Maybe if you find out she is planning on moving out bring her h into it, but until that point, you will turn out to be the bad person all the way around(with your h, her h, and anyone else they can convince.)

Pros: <BR>Puts her in a do or die situation<BR>Perhaps makes her more accountable to her marriage<BR>Husband gets to see how she will react, probably confused and possibly a lovebuster <BR>Keeps you informed of what is going on more so<P>Cons:<BR>If H throws her out - where will she run<BR>Lovebuster to H<BR>Keeps you more emotionally involved in this mess<BR>Gives more confusion to this whole mess, because he is a part too to the reactions and forthcoming decisions<P><BR>For me? I probably would contact him. I don't know if that would be the best solution, however. Fortunately/unfortunately I don't have that the luxury of that choice. I don't know who she is. I would contact him because I wouldn't be able to not contact him. You are more fortunate than me, because you are really thinking this out before you react.<BR>

I was told by the OW's H about my H's affair. He was not sure if he should have told me (he was actually calling to confront my H who wasn't home at the time and I basically pulled the info out of him because I was already suspicious). I have never felt bad toward this man for telling me. I would much rather know the truth than go through life thinking everything is wonderful and it's not. The OW really gave her H a hard time for telling me (they have since split up but she was going to leave him anyway).<P>I say you should tell....I think the truth is the only way to go. There has already been too many lies and sneaking around. Get it out in the open!

Hi sosad,<P>My wife has a pretty huge desire to tell the OW's fiance about what happened. She feels real sorry for him and thinks he should know before they get married.<P>In my somewhat worthless opinion on the matter, I think you should let that couple deal on their own. It's her responsibility. He WILL find out eventually.<P>Also, one of the CONS that trustntruth mentioned is a major concern -- it keeps the OW in your life all that much longer.<P>good luck!<BR>--andy

I am on the side of "Hell yes". I would want to know and I think the sooner everyone knows and it is out on the open the sooner the healing and changes can begin.<P>I called the OW H two days after I talked with OW. I told her she had better talk to him herself because I would be calling to let him know. She told him that night so he already knew when I had called. I am not sorry about the way things turned around.

The seven year old one i would leave alone...<BR>and although usually i would be a big 'proponent' of letting people be and deal with their own stuff, not in this case.<BR>tell the other H....i would want someone to tell me...tell before there is no chance..before they can build their relationship too far in secret that he has no chance...<BR>TELL HIM...<P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough<P><BR>

Real food for thought. <P>B -good point, thanks.<P>Athena - the analogy re. the drunk driver has made me think even more - maybe if someone had told the first OW's H about her first affair, she would never have progressed to the 2nd (my H). Also, if the emotional affair my H is having with the 2nd OW doesn't eventually progress, will her H have to deal with her going on later and causing more pain to someone else by getting involved again, in one way or another with someone else, because nothing made her put the brakes on this time?<P>Derby - you're right about what would it do to my relationship with my H? Thinking...<P>Tnt - great advice again. Put that way, pro's and con's, you're probably right, the main risk is that if she is wavering towards moving out to be with my H, especially now he has moved out of our home, she would turn to him I'm sure. This would probably just encourage the situation. (but then again, maybe he'd finally discover this perfect relationship was just a fantasy after all once he got to live it).<BR>H would be angry and resent me, although, if it made her come running to him, he would probably thank me! And what if my H decides not to come home anyway and be alone, as he has told me is another option, and OW decides to stay with her H, I've got nothing to lose - does he deserve to know then?<BR>And what about the old affair - should I let bygones be bygones, even though, as I've discovered, lies are a big stumbling block in life?<P>Zombie - did this make your H angry? Did it give him more reason to be with OW when you confronted him?<P>Andy, Cracker, Kellie - thanks. Divided opinions. thinking........<P>I'll wait for some more posts...thanks folks.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited August 31, 1999).]

A couple weeks ago an acquaintance called me and let me know my H was seeing the OW. I was grateful. Nothing my H said to me made any sense. My H was swearing to me that it was over (for 7 months!) and there was no contact, he just needed "space to think". All lies. <P>I have not divulged to my H who called, just told him it was someone who saw him--and didn't tell him where, just that it was somewhere he told me she was not with him. Maybe the OW's H could handle it like this, but you can't control that.<P>This might just make my H more careful, rather than end it as he is saying he is doing. They were pretty bold this time and going out in public. I don't know if the person would tell me again but s/he appreciates that I have not told my H his/her identity. (being careful, just in case H starts reading here)<P>But, since this was a resumption of the affair, I probably reacted differently than if it was new information. However, I wish someone had told me this time last year it was going on. I was suspicious and lied to at that time as well.

Boy this is a hard one. Part of me wishes I never found out. What you don't know won't hurt you. But part of me is glad I know, because I know what I'm dealing with and what I'm up against. The answer lies in your heart. You have to do what you feel is the right thing to do.<P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

sosad,<P>I did not learn about my H affair until 2 years after it happened. I made alot of choices in my life that I would not have made had I known about the affair. (my 2nd child, building a new house, going back to school, etc) My H chose not to tell me, until he had grown, become a better person, H, and father. His personal growth caused guilt in him which made him finally tell me the truth.<P>I often feel that I was cheated out of my right to choose based on the truth. I at times wish someone would have told me when the affair had happened. I feel like I was so blind and humiliated for those years while I did not know. I feel stupid and think that others look at me as stupid. I am angry at friends (who I thought were both of our friends) for not telling me. It affected my life and I had a right to know!<P>However, my marriage is growing and we are very happy for the most part. I know that if I had known about the affair when it happened, I would not have my H, I would not have my last 2 girls, I would not have my home, I would not have a good job. I thank God for His (and my H's) timing.<P>I am thankful for the way that things played out in my life, because I am happy. But I think that if the affair had been more serious than it was (emotional for 3 weeks, physical 1 night without sex) I would feel stonger about the fact that I should have been told.<P>So, it's my belief that people have a right to know what's going on, OW's H is making decisions he probably wouldn't be making if he knew the truth. However, I am glad I didn't know. Sorry, I know that is probably not much help, but wanted to let you know how I felt by not knowing.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

I vote a big "YES"!!!!! Tell the spouse.<P>The reason I say that is that I got an anonymous phone call from someone my husband works with that alerted me to the 1 1/2 year affair he had been having with his co-worker. If I had not gotten that call who knows where we would be now. I don't think we'd be 6 months post discovery and headed toward recovery. <P>I am so very grateful that this person whom I call "Angel" called me. I pray for her often and she is on my everyday prayer list. If it wasn't for this person I would be the depressed sick person I was before. Now I am closer to God, my husband and enjoying a life with many necessary and good changes.<P>So yes call. To avoid getting your husband all angry with you why not call anonymously. If you think hard there is a way to do that. You may have to enlist a trusted person help but, heck there was a bunch of people networking at my husbands work that told we a part in my finding out. No matter what their motives were I thank God they all did what they did. I only wish it had been sooner.<P>I know if the OW in my husbands case was married or involved with someone I sure as heck would have made sure they found out. Unfortunately she is single. (yes causing further complications here)<P>As long as you aren't doing it out of revenge then you have a pure heart. Wouldn't you want to know? <P>Let us know what you do.<P>Prayer may also help give you the answer. I will be praying that God helps you make the right decission.<P>Remember you won't be causing discord in their lives. They caused it. You are just bringing it into the light. People hate things being brought into the light. <P>I heard a very wise person say once...people aren't affraid of the dark they are affraid of the light. That is so true. <P>So again I say "Bring on the light"<P>I'll get off my soap box now. <P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited August 31, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited August 31, 1999).]

OW's H knew before me, so I wish I had that luxury as well. You don't really know if the OW's H doesn't know already, do you? I think that she needs to sort things out in HER ball court without you moving over to it. I believe you should just concentrate on your own relationship and not build the intensity between H and OW with a further reason to connect! Plus, as my friend once said, you won't believe or see things untill your ready to!!! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Sosad,<P>I posted on your other thread. I am so glad you asked this question..... I have been wavering on this issue too. I know OW's H is suspissious already.... My H told me about it a while back, when he told me his Boss had told them to "cool it" because people they work w/ were talking..... I should have not been so D@^n gullible then & realized what was happening. <P>I'm not sure how I will do it..... but I think I will eventually. I wish someone (other than my H) had told me about what was going on...... H lied about it & tried to "sugar coat" the whole "Misunderstanding". <P>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

sosad - I agree with what seems to be the majority opinion here, that you SHOULD tell your H's OW's H about their affair. Personally, it would be partly revenge for me, if I were doing it. The OW has screwed up your marriage, frankly I think she deserves to have HERS screwed up too, by having her H know that she's having an affair! A word of advice though. If possible, I think you should tell the OW's H anonymously, not letting him know who you are (even if you think he'll probably guess). Just tell him it's "a friend who has your best interests at heart" or some such. And tell either by phone or by mail (snail or e), NOT in person, which can get you in a lot of trouble, to judge from some of the stories I've read here. Then sit back and watch the sparks fly! (It does sound, I'm sorry to hear, like there's not much hope for making you marriage work, if your H is willing to move in with the OW?)<P>BTW, as I've posted in other threads, I really don't think there is such a thing as an "emotional affair." And from your description, if your H and the OW are as close as it sounds, I'm guessing your suspicions about this are probably correct. Sounds like it's time for you to cut your losses and move on! It IS very, very sad, and I really feel for you in this situation. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

I agree with Kel. It's probably best to leave the 7yr old one alone -------- UNLESS you are so-called "friends" with these people and run in their same social circle. In that case, I would tell because each day the three of you know about it and her H doesn't, makes a fool out of him. If by some chance he does ever find out, he may be very upset with you that you didn't tell him. To him, that would put you on "their side," against him. Just think how you would feel about him if you later found out he knew and didn't tell you.<P>For the current one, DEFINITELY tell. For all the reasons already mentioned. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.