Hi, I'm new to this forum so forgive me please for just blurting it all out! I have been with my current boyfriend for 3 years. We have lived together for 2. We recently became engaged and have started planning a wedding for September, 2002. Now, we have started having problems. He amits that he is getting cold feet. He has asked me to guarantee that we will not end up divorced. I told him that I can not do that, but I will guarantee that I would do whatever I could to make it work, stay faithful, always love him, and try to make him happy. He does not seem satisifed with that. He has suggested that we spend two weeks apart to see if we can be without each other. Now let me clarify, this two weeks is not a break up, not dating others He said he just wants to see how much he misses me. If we miss eash other too much, we call it off and he comes back home. He states that he thinks that I will realize how easy life is without him and choose that he stay gone the entire two weeks. Is this just his insecurities popping up or is he seeking something else. I don't think it will accomplish the desire results. Well, my desired results, anyway. What should I do?

Sounds to me like he is looking for a way out. My situation was pretty similar, as far as circumstances. My H freaked out so much about the marriage that he had an affair. I didn't find out until after we were married- the affair continued for an exteded period of time (until I found out). I don't really think the "goal" of this separation is really to see whether or not you miss eachother - it sounds like a pretty childish excuse to me. He is flat out scared - he needs to admit that and you two need to talk about it. I would SERIOUSLY suggest getting some pre-marital counceling, before he goes and does something he regrets. One of my H's biggests regrets is just not talking to me about his marital fear. If he had done that, we could have worked through it. He thought that if he told me he had fears, that I would be angry and leave him. So he internalized and turned to someone outside of our relationship. The best thing you can do is try to calmly coax him into either talking to you or going to counceling. Try to let him know that you won't be angry about his fears. Unfortunately, many men seem to not be able to deal with female anger very well - they run from it. Just try to be calm and make him feel that you are willing to work through any challenges that might lie ahead. Best of Luck

Marriage is a committment to one another for better or for worse. I have in my possession a number of poems and cards that my husband of 31 years had given me. Our marriage was built on God and His precious promises. I never dreamed in my entire life that I would be here with all this pain and suffering. But here I am.. he had an affair and although I believe he is going through mid life crisis... he doesnt love me and says we have nothing to base our marriage on. And feels I have just been a friend to him all these years. Fun all the poems and cards describe me as the perfect Help meet for him. What happened you may ask... he took his eyes of God and on another married woman. It takes both of you to make a marriage and a lot of deposits in the love bank... never take one another for granted... forgive and FORGET.. TALK IT OUT AND LET IT GOOOOOO. Im not saying this is all his fault... I must have failed him somewhere... but I just pray we can get back together someday. You cant garantee a marriage will last for every but you can go into the marriage with the attitude that it is for life for better or for worse. Thats what committment is about! Do you love him>>> Does he love you>>> maybe that is what he is having second thoughts about. Dont play games with your hearts. If it is true love then build on it. Perhaps... his cold feet and marriage is making him wonder if he has lived his single life to the fullest. Read the premarital information here and have him get involved in it with you.. It can be your special time together. Make if fun and meaningful. Good luck!

...and why didn't your boyfriend think of this BEFORE asking you to marry him? Sounds a bit immature. If that's the case, maybe it is just "cold feet" - not that unusual. If so, it's likely he will find that two weeks apart will not change anything in a truly committed relationship. DUH. On the other hand, he may be looking for a way out. If that's true, and he just isn't man enough to admit it, you still haven't lost anything. Either way, you need to honestly communicate your feelings. Perhaps you need to do some reassessing of your own about whether this guy is someone you're ready to bet your life on or whether he's just to flaky and immature.

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I had been trying to talk about things, but he didn't wan't to talk because he was afraid if he told me he was scared, I would be mad! Well, we did talk about it. My feelings were hurt, but I was not mad. I told him that I felt like me having an opinion on anyhting would send him running because "he didn't want to fight" He spent some time with a friend who has a BAD relationship this weekend. I think that helped because he called while he was one his way home and started telling me how sorry he was for bring such a "boob". That he didn't know what was wrong with himself, I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he would not know what to do if he lost me. He said that he was just scared becasue he sees all thesee couples pretending to be happy, but they really aren't, and he does not want to be one of those couples. I told him that all I wanted was for us to be happy. As long as we continued to communicate, and if he started being unhappy, make sure we talked about what was wrong. He seemed relieved. I AM DEFINATELY RELIEVED. So, again, Thank you!

listen, i'm a guy. i can tell you the mentality of the male psyche here.<p>it sounds to me like this guy is simply scared. i have experianced this before and i know it well. he is scared that you dont' really love him, and no matter how many times you tell him that you love him he isn't going to be able to get that little nagging feeling out of his head, so he needs to test it.<p>he is not looking for a way out, he is making sure that you will call him back.<p>if you want to make him happy don't let him go more than an hour away from you before you call him and ask him to come back. you will have made him feel very safe