Last may my H came home and said he didn't know who he was anymore and that he wasn't sure if he loved me or wanted to be married. We floundered around with fights alt with silence. He was not home maybe total of 4-5 nights(he is in a job that requires unexpected OT during storms so normally this would not bother me). By the end of june I questioned OW. H is close with my brother-in-law so I went to him and he confirmed that a 25 year-old at work was "after him". We arranged PI and found him with her at a work-related banguet (he didn't ask me to go). We have struggled since with depression (he mentioned suicide twice--he refused counseling/treatment).He states his issues are a constant emptiness inside, fear of death (4 co-workers killed on the job after burns or electrocution), death of father and turning 40 this year. He doesn't feel he has time to deal with his fears/pain because of his constant job stress-I see it as a cop out. I can't sort out the depression Vs not capable of faithful love. My brother-in-law thinks he is very capable of being up to no-good even when I feel his behaviorat home is OK. I feel a lot of anxiety in regard to what family/friends are thinking and the drama coming from the brother-in-law. My H is worn down by my inability to trust him(my brother-in-law has sworn me to secrecy). I realize this is a stupid game. We are so full of pain and distrust. We have a wonderful body connection most of the time but our mind/spirits are lost. The roller coaster of great connection then the easy destruction of the good feelings when trust issues come up. He does not admit to OW--The nature of his job is a constant thorn in my side. Right now his taking med for depression and is coming out of his cave. He tells me that I have been the giver and nurturer in our relationship. He states he loves me and wants to make it work. He notes that he doesn't know how to give and nurture me but he wants to learn. We have been married 12 years with 11 year old son.<p>I need help with direction. I am willing to give it a try but fear him drifting away again as he has done off and on since last may. Ususally this is silence in his recliner in our LR. How do you set your limits but yet feel free in the relationship? I feel like I am in a more confident stage in my life and feel like I will be OK with or without him but I am very committed to keeping a family together. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't know what to tell you because I in the boat where my husband does not love me, has had affairs, etc. Alot of what you say makes since to me. Know that you are not alone. I read Dr. Harley's books and they comfort me. I don't normally like to read, but he has great insight. I don't trust my husband either and it will take time. He is working on the love issue. It is a very ugly stage to be in as it is so uncomfortable, BUT hang in there and see if things get better. And know, that there is this forum.<p>Wishing you the best,<p>N2GH

It seems that you may have an advantage to stop a physical affair before it starts, although the emotional affair is there. Have you asked him about seeing a therapist about depression? Could you try to print out the Emotional Needs List and tell him how important it is to you to see him happy and meet his needs. It is too bad that he will not admit to an emotional fair, its a chance for you to take if you ask him, but maybe this direction will help you feel his love banks. It is amazing what we go through for our families - try to save the marriage. I always thought I would throw my husband out immediately upon knowing of an affair, but it take that for me to re-validate the importance of our lives together. Good Luck

Dear jdsrn:<p>Your situation sounds very much like mine. My husband has had an affair. I know this mostly because of his "secret" activities. It's like he is planning a surprise party for me, but I'm sure it will not be a celebration.<p>He will never admit it, and becomes violent when I question him at all. He throws things, punches walls, shoves furniture, then threatens suicide.
I have sat at his feet while he has a pistol in his pocket, stolen his keys, wrestled with him for the gun.<p>I've watched him pour all his medication down the sink and the threat is always there. He says it's just a matter of time, and it will be all my fault. <p>He has told everyone that I have had an affair. His family, our friends, his coworkers. No one ever comes to me. They just snub me and make snide remarks. He has ruined my reputation and is making my life miserable, but he won't let me go.<p>I still love him, but I want out. He on the other hand wants her and me both. He wants me to just accept it. I would leave, but he told me he would make me miserable for the rest of my life.
I know he would stalk me, and I'm afraid he would kill me or himself. <p>Please pray for me, I will pray for you. And we should both pray for them.

Unfortunately,<p>I am a man who can relate to all of your situations. My wife had been telling me as recently as 4 days before my birthday of November 21st what a wonderful husband I was. We had just celebrated Thanksgiving with our families. She told me that she did not know who she was anymore and that she loved me but was not in love with me. I think this must be a classic sign of an affair based on what many of you are describing. She is living with a woman named Lenetta who is a lesbian, and my now ex-wife will not even return important calls or e-mails. She had resorted to threats of suicide, burning herself, etc. I tried to get her to get help or for us to both go to marriage counseling with no avail. She had also at one time told me that when she was younger that she was not certain if she was straight or lesbian. She assured me at that time that she was straight. In a very recent Scientific American, there is an article that says many of the behaviors that you have described may be caused by abuse in childhood that causes lasting brain damage. In my case, my marriage appears to be over, but the article on abuse in Scientific American might help some of you. Your messages helped me by letting me know that it is not only guys who have to go through this type of behavior. I will keep all of you in my prayers. If any of you do decide to leave, take all of your stuff and do not contact the one that you are leaving anymore than absolutely necessary. Also, restraining orders have got more people killed than they have helped according to the book The Gift Of Fear by deBecker. I would have done anything to make my marriage work, but the choice was not mine to make. If any of you find yourself in a similar situation, please remember that it takes two to make a marriage work and sometimes you end up getting the payback for past sins committed to them by others, so don't blame yourselves more than necessary.