Here is how it all began...I met a guy 'J' about a year and half ago. I was very attracted to 'J' but do to the situation him and I could not hook up. We lost track of eachother and I met 'R'. 'R' and I started dating...we have fun together but was never really an "item". He would never become my bf. So we had an agreement that we would stay together until someone else came along. A year into the relationship and 'J' gets intouch with me. I told 'R' about it and that I wanted to start dating 'J'. 'R' said go ahead. So I did. I dated 'J' for two months. The whole time I thought about 'R' and we fought at time about the fact that I could not let go of 'R'. 'J' and I had talked about Marriage. We got along really well and he fell in love with me so fast. I told him time and time again that I cannot give you more of myself if I am not there to give (still with 'R' on mind). I told him that I needed time to heal and get over him. I needed closer (one day with 'R' next day with 'J'. No time to close door).
'J' had finally had enough and told me to make myself better for someone else or go back to 'R'. And before I knew it I was back with 'R' and things were different. 'R' wanted to give me a relationship and he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. We spend a week together. I began to think about 'J' in the middle of that week. I realized what I had done and I knew that the better person was 'J'. I needed to be with 'J' but was not sure that he would take me back. I called him. 'J' told me that he would take me back in a NY second. I broke things off with 'R' and have not turned back. 'J' and I are having really bad problems now...we really love one another but he cannot forgive me for going back to 'R'. 'J' has since then moved in with me and we are thinking about marriage still...I have signed up for classes at the church (marriage classes). They start next month. I saw a counseler to see if there is anything that I can do...but I was doing everything right...finally I asked 'J' if he would go to the counseler with me and he agreed. We went and 'J' says that nothing was said that he did not already know. He has night mares and every second of the day it hunts him that someone else touched me, kissed me and had intercourse with me after he did. Everyday I tell him that I love him and that I will never do it again...
If you know of anything that can help or if you share the same problem please help me to get through this...
'J' is at the point that he wants to go out of the relationship because he doesn't think that there is any other way....
One other thing: I think I need to give you some insite on 'J'. He is still married and is getting a divorce. They have been seperated for about 4 years now and he cheated on his wife. He believes that 'what comes around goes around' and that this is Gods rath. catlover11111@iwon.com

Hello,<p>I have been married for 13 years now. I can only give you an opinion on my own experience.<p>First I would say to pray about this man. You know God has someone out there for you, he will show you who is right for you.<p>Also, when marrying someone that already has been married it can be quite difficult. You will be dealing with alot of emotional luggage. Infidelity is also a problem, my question is has he ask for forgiveness from the Father? Your man can also be harboring some kinds of abandonment issues from his past marriage, because he is feeling as if you might leave him for someone else or possibly because you did.<p>Next marriage ain't easy. But it is a beautiful thing when God is put first.Read these scriptures in Gods word so you can get an idea of what marriage is about and what your duties are as a wife Mark 10:6-9,Proverbs 31:10-12, Ephesians 5:22-24, 32-33 and 1Peter 3:1-6.<p>Also purchase this book if you can, it has diffinetly change my ways of thinking "Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.<p>May God Bless You

deb,<p>Not to be harsh, but you met J when he was married, and essentially had an affair with him. You then met someone else, and when you had second thoughts, you decided to go back to check out the status with J. J is still married, so you've reestablished an affair. And J is having nightmares and trouble because YOU let someone else kiss you and have intercourse with you---so you can't be trusted.<p>Frankly, you should run far, far away from this guy. In my book (and in most Christian denominations), marriages are a sacred committment that shouldn't be run from. Marriages that result from affairs have extraordinary low success rates, and those that do succeed are usually because the people involved have grown and learned good marital behaviors. There's nothing that you write that indicate that either one of you has learned good marital skills. My best advice to you would be to leave J and start to study the MarriageBuilder's principles (get "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" from the bookstore)---and find a single guy to marry.

mabie I missed something.
How long have you known J ?
Were you involved while J was still with his wife?
does J have any children?
Does R have any children?
We need more info?

First of all I would like to thank all of you for writing in your replays. I grew up in a very loving environment and have two wonderful parents that are very close with me and the Lord. I am not that close to the Lord but I do have a relationship with the Lord. I am 22 years old and have been on my own since I was 19 years old. I have only been in three long term relationships before 'J'. 'J' grew up in disfunctional family. His mother was 30 something and his father 18. They married and his father cheated on her and left for the other women. 'J' moved out when he was 14 years old and has been on his own ever since. He seems to have some really deep seeded problems and my mother seems to think that he will blow up someday and hurt everyone around him...I know what I should do but my heart tells me different. His marriage has giving him a chance to grow and she has helped him in a lot of ways to become the man that he is today. He is the most loving man that I have ever met. He reminds me of my father in so many ways. He has a little realtionship with God but feels that God is getting back at him right now.
'J'-27 and 'R'-35 both do not have any children and only 'J' has been married. He got married when he was 20 years old and for all the wrong reasons. They seperated after 3 years and have been apart for 4 years now. Today is the last court date for them before they are completely divorced...??? I have gone over and over with him about what does he wants and what do I want. We both want the samethings; children, loving partner, fun, honesty, honor, understanding, respect, etc. I know that we are not doing alot of what God wants and that is part of our problem. But, I also know that if you want something bad enough you can make it work...it takes two to tango. He is just having a problem with forgiving and forgetting the fact that I went back to 'R'. 'R' and I had a very sick relationship and I did things that I should not have done...(exposed myself). And that first two months that 'J' and I were together I had to deal with that. I found myself very angry and hurt that I let those things happen. I was really a mess....plus the fact that I had no closer... I went back to try and find myself or make something make since....and the only thing that made since was 'J' and I getting back together. I know that we would be happy if I had not done what I did...but I can't erase the past and now we have to deal with it.....

Personally to me it sounds as if BOTH relationships are very dysfunctional..you can't fix either one of these men..

I guess to me the thing that really bothers me is his jealousy over you..Your not married to this man..and haven't been...you need time for you and can date whomever you want too..you haven't been engaged to him..he's been married to someone else and you hadn't made a commitment so he really has no reason to be 'jealous'..

speaking from experience here, if your having been with someone else while you were not even
married, dating, engaged or ANYTHING is causing this man problems now, it will only get worse, unless HE deals with why it bothers him so much..
Your not a piece of property that he owns you are a person..and you made choices, he should not be condemning you for your choices even if he doesn't like them..your an adult and had every right to make the choices you made..and the only one you answer to is God..if you were married, engaged, or had a committed relationship then and only then would it be considered a betrayal..to where it should effect him at all..

Just want to give everyone an update...he moved out this weekend and we are going to date...he has asked me for the number to the counseler and is going to be some help. I am so happy. I really hope that this works out. Evne if we don't belong together he needs to fix himself for a future relationship. Thank you for all your advice...

deb,

Good luck with this. You definitely don't want to end up as a "rescuer" for this guy. If he can develop good relationship skills and get the relationship more on an equal footing---then that's terrific. If he can't---you're very young and won't have any problems finding someone who's better suited for a marriage.