Me and my GF have been living together for almost 1 yr (we were living together) the day we started dating. Moved in as freidns and then poof... Anyway, she is really ready for marriage and sometimes I think I am too. However, I jumped into this reltionship literally right after my last and first serious one where I was engaged. To say I was devastated by my last relationship is an understatement. There is no question that the current GF and I were each other's bandaids (she had recently broken up also). She has moved past that faster than I have and is ready for commitment, kids, etc. I would love to give that to her, but cannot yet. Still reeling from my last relationship, not sure, etc..etc. I am caught between not wanting to lose a great girl and doing something I am clearly not ready for and unsure of.. Any advice?? By the way I see her point of view and mine clearly- that's the real bummer. Some days I feel like she may be it and other days I'm like I don't think so..

Marriage is for better or for worse. There's enough uncertainty in what the future will hold, don't introduce more by not being certain of our choice of life partner from the beginning!

You seem to have a lot of insight into not only your current relationship but the previous one as well. That will go a long way toward helping you sort out these issues. My advice: keep visiting Marriage Builders, work on developing your current relationship and continue seeking to understand where you've gone awry in the past to prevent similar problems from recurring. But don't even consider marriage until you're consistently sure you're ready.

Thanks younglove. I agree and that's how i feel. Obviously the risk is that she "needs" to be married sooner or feel like it is going in that direction big time. And I absolutely see her point there and feel it is valid. I suppose if she is the "one" a combination of patience on her part and healing/learning on mine may make it work. ** We are considering not living with each other to see if that helps oin our decision making process. All along I have regretted moving in with her too fast- although it is neat and you learn a lot, we literally were living together form day 1 of dating.. do you think that us moving out s a good idea?? I have heard that it might be, but am a little scared and when I truly think it thru it makes me sad, but my gut also thinks it may be the best thing-- ugh...

Something you said struck me.. you said that you could see both sides of the situation. I wonder if you feel that she can see both sides of the situation? Personally, I don't think you should get married before you're ready and it sounds like you have some very valid reasons. If you're not quite over the emotional issues of your last relationship, that's not a good foundation upon which to build a marriage.

At this point, I do think that seperation is a good idea. It might give her the confidence to wait a little longer if she sees that you don't vanish into thin air the moment her back is turned. It will also give you the time and space to work through your issues without having to worry about hurting her feelings.

Being sad is normal and natural and probably very healthy at this point. You might think you're sad that you're not living with her but it might also be some residual sadness from your last relationship that you hurried through. Do both of you a favor and don't say "I Do" until you're really sure that you do, indeed.

Myschae - could not agree with you more. Will not get married unless I feel it at least 90% (hopefully 100%). If you get bored read my recent topics under Divorcing/Divorced to see just how devastated I am from my ex. I do wonder now that you brought it up if the current GF "really" sees my side. She seems to and I think she has been plenty understanding and "sucked it up" for a long time already. I just don't know if her quest for marriage and her heart will allow for too much more patience. In her words (and I understand ths too) "I am not geting any younger" - Thanks for the responses and please keep em coming -this is most helpful.

Jack,

I read some of your threads on the Divorcing board. Wow man, I don't think you're over your ex quite yet. Certainly not enough to commit yourself to another.

I am somewhat perplexed as to what is her hurry. From your other posts it sounds like you've been with your current gf for 10 months? That's not an huge amount of time, you know.

What do you think the rush is? Is it that she wants to start a family right away? If it is, I would be very cautious. Children can be a great joy but can also strain a new relationship. Are you sure that you both have similar views on having and raising children?

Is it that she's concerned that this isn't going to be a 'real' relationship and pan out. Almost like she's wasting her time and you won't commit? If that's it, is there some half way point you can meet her on to show progress. Something sigificant but not as binding as marriage or engagement. A promise ring, maybe?

Myschae- Terrific ideas. Yes I am not totally over my ex. In fact the million dollar questions is if both of them were in front of you and you HAD to choose.. I'd probably be inclined to pick my ex- one look at her face would be all it would probably take (I'm speculating on something that will ver likely never happen).. IN my GF's words. She has always wanted to be married and a mom ever since she was 17-18 (she is now almost 26). She feels it wll be what "completes" her and makes her happy. She has a really rotten set of parents. My takes is that she wants something of her own that is good and the way she would envision a family being. Her trend now and she told me this upfront to her credit is that she will give a guy 1 yr -1yr 1/2 and if they don't commit she's moving on. We are 10 months into it and she told me yesterday that the warning signs are there and she loves me so she wanted to tell me so we could try and work on things, counseling or whatever before she builds up a "got to go" case and acts on it. Hope that helps and thanks for your responses, please keep them up and anyone else is of course encouraged to pop in!! THANKS A LOT AND TAKE CARE!!

She told you the 'warning signs' were there? What warning signs was she referring to? That you wouldn't be married by the time you've been together a year and a half?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She has a really rotten set of parents. My takes is that she wants something of her own that is good and the way she would envision a family being. Her trend now and she told me this upfront to her credit is that she will give a guy 1 yr -1yr 1/2 and if they don't commit she's moving on. We are 10 months into it and she told me yesterday that the warning signs are there and she loves me so she wanted to tell me so we could try and work on things, counseling or whatever before she builds up a "got to go" case and acts on it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jack, at this point I would say that even if she's the right girl, it's not the right time. And, I wouldn't place money that she's the right girl. You two are on different time lines - or do you want to have kids in the next year or so? Are YOU ready for the responsibilities of parenthood? Especially trying to coparent with someone who has such rigid timelines and such drastic consequences (I'll have to leave you) if you can't meet them? Just ask yourself this question - what happens (God forbid) if things don't work out as planned? What if you or she can't have kids or you do, but the child is sick? Does she have the flexibilty to handle that? Do you?

Also, do you want to be married to someone who's children 'complete' her? That just sounds like a problem waiting to happen. One of the biggest problems of parenthood to marriage is that there isn't enough energy put into the relationship. It's not that having kids isn't work - I'm sure it is, it's just that maybe the best thing you can do for your kids is make sure your marriage survives. This sounds to me like a stacked deck - and not in your favor.

So, tred carefully. Counseling might be a great idea - if for no other reason so that you two can have someone elses perspective. Life doesn't always turn out the way you expect it to, good or bad. But just because you miss a milestone or two doesn't mean you have to fold up and quit altogether.

Good luck to you.

One disclaimer: I must say that my H and I are childless by choice, so I might be full of it when it comes to advice on kids. Although I do have friends and family with kids.

I would be ready for kids probably in the near future and have pretty much always thought of having 2 or 3. I can see me having those kids with my ex (I knew her more, more about her, invested the time (4 yrs) with her, etc..etc.. I can see having kids, but I'm not sure with this girl, right now... Yes I would be concerned if we could not have kids or anything ike that.. t would be a blow to her, but I beleive she would be with me kids or not. She is looking for a commitment and promise to "have" somebody. Which with her family the way it is - I know she just want s to have at least 1 thing stable and that she can count on. I'm guessing, but it makes sense. So tough. We'll see - I really think that counseling is the way to go. 1- I get more info/closure on my ex 2- She gets some info on "why she is so compelled to get married and have a fmaily" 3- we learn more about us as a couple... Sounds like a plan anyway??? Thanks again for the responses and I look forward to hearing more.. THANKS!!!

Hi Jack,
If you have the slightest negative thing about not getting married yet then don't.. You need to know for yourself that you are ready. I made that mistake and I hope I never do it again. It hurts too much. When the time is right you will know without a doubt..

Wishing us all well
JJ

Thanks JJ and Myschae and others who have contributed.. JJ you make a good point and that is "if you have any doubt wait and you'll know when the time is right" Interestingly enough when I was younger and had much less relationship experience (wounds) I really subscribed to your thoughts. I think all of us may have at one point. What is it in us that causes us to contemplate jumping in earlier than feeling 100%. It's like the experience is almost a negative in this case.. Wierd??

I think my plan is to just kind of go day by day and if she pressures me on the where we're at, I'll just be honest with her. If she can't wait then she can't wait. Sadly/tragically we both have a right to feel the way we do... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jack,
Anyone that needs another person to "complete" him/her has some deep rooted issues to resolve. Only SHE can make herself happy... you can't and neither can any other man. It sounds like she doesn't realize this. Marriage is incredibly hard for people that enter it in the most healthy manner.

She needs to understand that she cannot *force* you to be ready to be married. If she truly loves you, loves you enough to be ready to roll up her sleeves and make the future work for you two, then she can wait. Ten months is not a long time. I'm not suggesting that she doesn't love you, but could part of her reasons for being there simply to get married and have a family?

Be smart! Counseling sounds like a good idea. BUT, some individual counseling may help her as well.

Clearview.

BINGO- that's waht I am thinking. Almost like I could be anyone as long as I'd say yes. And yes I think there may be more to it. She has a horribe family that she comes from. Likely I think she wants something to claim as her own and then she wants to do it better than her parents (good motivation to do a good job, but).. Also, I completely understadn that she should be willing to wait if she loves me (on the other hand one could argue that f I love her why not commit and I agree with her that realtionships are about comittment - either you do commit or you don;t, I seem trapped in testing and evaluationg mode- perhaps becuz I'm not well yet, it's my anture and certainly becuz we are living together..) We'll see. THANKS AND KEEP UP THE GOOD ADVICE.. Jack.

Hi Jack72,
The only advice I can offer,is my experience. I've been married 3 years now and my H. wants a seperation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . We had been together 11 yrs.now and lived together 1 year before we got married.We grow-up together and therefore was friends all our childhood life.After a year had pasted, I told him I wanted to get married early the next year or else I'm leaving <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .
To be honest,I'm afraid of being alone and my H.became like the part that I was missing to complete me! It's not the proudest thing to say but it's true.I was also looking forward to having kids with him in the hope that he will give me back the kind of love I was giving to him and again for security. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I to had just gotten out of a bad relationship when we started dating.I had reach a point, where I could not have live without him because I had made him the person that my life would revolved around.Was that a major mistake I made!
Now his reason for leaving, is that he was not ready for marriage and he just did it because of me and he taught that this was what he wanted at the time.
Do you see the picture? I had pushed my boyfriend and bestfriend into something that he was not ready for and he only did it because of me.Yes I had love him back then and still do very much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . But I went about it the wrong way and now my marriage is falling apart.
But from all of this, I've learn to lean on the Lord for comfort, support and in helping me make the right decisions now.I've learned to have faith and to love me and stop depending on other people's love to see me through.
I may be wrong, but your GF. sounds alot like how I "USE" to be. We all can just give our advice, but at the end of the day, the choice is yours.
If your not ready for that commitment, take your time and pray about it. I may not have put my experience across properly, but what my H. and I went through, sounds exactly like what your going through now.
I hope that you have gained something out of my reply.God Bless

Me : 30, H : 31,
Kids : 0

Thanks Kayin1.

My dilemma comes from feeling that both of us are "right" and entitled to feel exactly the way that we do. She in my opinion does have a right to know that the realtionship is going somewhere adn will lead to marriage - otherwise I can see why she would think that it would a waste of her time.. I also see how I have a right to be close to 100% sure on such a mammoth decision. And so we have such s complicated problem. I do think that she may have some sort of issue in regards to "I know a marriage and kids will complete me" and that she has such a quick timeframe and that I "feel" almost anyone would do if they'd just ask for her hand. I think she has some concerns there to look at. I also know that I have some concerns in "compromise" and commitment. Or at least they appear to be there. Thanks for the advice -anyone else care to comment. TAKE CARE and THANKS!!! Jack

Hiya Jack,
I think part of it in staying and not being 100% maybe possibly could be the feeling of being alone. Not having someone there to be with.. I know that is part of what I have going on and I know better then that.. Sometimes I think I have something and it will grow on me becuase I don't want to be without or alone..

JJ

you may be right - funny back when i was single-single i remember cerishing my independence.-- funny since i my first "real" relationship how I hae never been the same - wierd, never thought of it that way, but the thought of sleeping alone seems bazaar and very uncomfortable... Intersting...

Hey Jack
I know what you mean. When Alek first told me about still being in love with the EXw. We stopped sleeping in the same bed. (If you want some details see my other post). Anyway when I didn't live with anyone I was used to sleeping alone and then got used to sleeping with someone no I'm back to by myself. I think I prefer by myself becuase then it is just be I don't have to adjust anymore... Maybe one day!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
You know I would just want to be with someone just once all of my own and noone to want to change me. Is that to much to ask???
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Oh Jack, PLEASE don't rush into anything!! You seem to have many valid reasons for not agreeing to marriage at this point.

I can understand her desire to have a husband and kids, but....if she REALLY loved you, wouldn't she wait until YOU were ready, too??? Love doesn't have a timeline...it doesn't go away just because 10 months or a year goes by. Giving an ultimatum (or threat) of "marry me or I leave" is very unfair to you. Excuse me for saying, but in my opinion, it shows very little regard for your feelings or needs. A bit selfish, maybe??

A little space might be good...absence may make the heart grow fonder, for both of you. At any rate, please don't let yourself be pushed into something you may not be ready for.

Hi DJMusicBox

Thanks for your responses. I will say though that I think she has a rght to want what she wants and she did basically speak of a time frame day 1 when we were dating (and that is that she now gives guys 1yr 6months and if no proposal to marry - hasta la vista. Now she also caught me at a bad time, just getting done wth my ex (in fact she started off trying to help me get back with my ex)...Anyway...

Thanks!! anyone else???